I Love Him So Much But Everytime I Think About Him I Am In Pain

Title: She Who Became the Sun Author: Shelley Parker-Chan Publication Date: July 2021 Publisher: Tor Books Genre: fiction, fantasy, historical fiction, queer lit

I think to sell this book as a “Mulan meets The Song of Achilles” is not only misleading, but also isn’t giving enough credit to Parker-Chan’s fascinating and rather original reimagining of Zhu Yuanzhang and the start of the Ming Dynasty. I was so taken to the political intrigue and motivations, which was brought together incredibly well by focusing on each character’s desires and their understanding of fate. The moral compass wavers quite a bit as the main characters narrate and get further consumed by their desires, putting the reader in an interesting position to work out how much these characters can be trusted in the end.

Leading me to what made this book so damn well: Zhu and Ouyang were standout characters. Zhu, being the protagonist, was one of the most well-constructed characters I’ve come across in a while. For one, to portray the first ruler of the Ming Dynasty as a genderqueer character was such a refreshing and original approach. Furthermore, Zhu’s gender identity was beautifully portrayed in a way that challenged the rigidity of the gender binary (and I would go so far as to argue the concept of the nonbinary identity). I loved how driven Zhu was by her burning desire for greatness—for better or for worse—that propelled her to where she ended up by the end of the book. As for Ouyang, I thought he was an equally memorable character. He’s an incredibly complex man who is eaten up by self-loathing and has a burning desire for vengeance, much of which is tied to him being a eunuch. Parker-Chan also does a deep dive into gender identity with Ouyang, scrutinizing the construction of masculinity in particular. At the end of the day, you could kind of call them both antiheroes in their own ways, and damn, they were well-written ones that really brought this book together.

One criticism I have of this book is that the fantasy element didn’t quite work for me. Unless I missed something, I felt that things were often left unexplained in a way that made the fantasy part of this book pointless. I’m hoping this is addressed in the second installment of this duology, but I guess we’ll find out in due time. I also found the pacing a little awkward at times, especially the middle part of the book, but not enough to frustrate me.

All-in-all, this was a fun read and well worth picking up if you want a unique reimagining of a historical moment and figure in China.

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there's a certain amount of privilege and naivety that comes with the people who truly believe in the phrase "you can't fight violence with violence".

What exactly are the oppressed supposed to do to protect themselves and their families and their land that's acceptable for you?

Are they supposed to sit down and write love letters?

Are they supposed to sit down and wait for the world to pressure Israel into no longer oppressing them? I mean it's been more than 70 years, how much longer should they wait for nonexistent International aid?

How many more years of western media acting as though "those Arab terrorists" and one of the most advanced militaries in the world protected behind an iron dome funded by western nations are on the same level and that it's an equal conflict, are we supposed to witness?

How many international war crimes do Israel have to commit without facing a hint of consequences before it becomes clear that the majority of western nations do support Israel and do not want Palestine to be freed because it would be inconvenient for them?

How did you think we were gonna fight for Palestine?

by trending hashtags? by simply preaching "decolonisation" without physically doing anything? By voting? (lmao) be serious.

This is a war that's been going on for decades. Not some playground shit. Palestinians have been oppressed for decades. Hundreds of innocent Palestinians are murdered every year in cold blood. Hundreds are displaced. The people of Gaza have been trapped in one of the biggest open air tightly controlled prisons for a very long time.

Realistically speaking, this horror and this war is not gonna end by Palestinians sitting down, twiddling their thumbs and hoping the state that's shown no mercy and stopped at nothing to try and erase them will show them kindness and mercy all of a sudden.

This is the same state full of civilians that go around chanting "death to Arabs" on their own holiday. The same state who's soldiers and civilians make it a tradition to attack people simply praying every ramadan.

You think those people will stop trying to gain more land and wipe out Palestinians with treaties, kind words and gifts?

When will it be acceptable for Palestinians to defend themselves and for those in Gaza to try and break free from their prison?

What exactly were you expecting?

When i finally finish my grief purgatory time loop fuckery nightmare comic its over for everybody. Until then MORE WIPS

CHAPTER 235 SPOILERS BELOW

seopass made this chapter specifically for me.

i remember when someone was complaining about their partner being late for shit allll the time and someone was like ‘oh they MUST have adhd and they just can’t help it,’ so i was like ‘hey, yeah, i have adhd, i get this, here are some things other people with adhd can do to help with this problem’

and like five different people just went ‘um time blindness is REAL and you must just not have a severe enough case :/ but there’s no fixing this’

and it’s just…….. is this how we beat ableism? by just pretending that we aren’t in control of our actions at all?

that instead of having conversations about maybe offering more leeway and empathy for people’s struggles while ALSO equipping people with better tools to help themselves

we’re just gonna go ‘yeah, actually, neurodivergent people are wholly incapable of personal will and are ruled by their neurodivergence and can’t be expected to help themselves or other people in any way.’

like i get that some things are truly harmless or truly cannot be helped but… some things… can be worked on. maybe not “cured” or “fixed” but like… worked on. and maybe we should make that info more accessible rather than pretending like its ableist to like… offer tips or  maybe not let people entirely off the hook for behaviour they can manage

i geniunely can't imagine any sort of normal tragic backstory for wolf keum. in my head this man was raised by wolves in the forest as a baby before hunters found him and returned him to civilisation.

I was rereading second half of DN this weekend and I swear to god I can't believe anime just skipped this particular plot.

Bc a) Mello has more active part in story and actually had his own way of using Near b) those two kinda cooperating is sexy as hell c) more Mogi bc Mogi is amazing

(I really like the Polish translation of this moment "He is manipulated but not necessarily with he notebook" which imho has slightly different connotations)

Also, this fucker doing this I love him so much the little bastard

And this

(also Near and Light just hating each other so much is so so entertaining, like honestly their dynamic is 👌)

Weak Hero as Idols pt.3

Grape (Sam Lee)- Uses the stage name Grape and has matching hair. Looks away every single time he sees Wolf, who just smirks at him. Fans ship them because they don't know why. Is the visual and is proud of it; mans definitely has an intense skin care routine. Goes shirtless a lot to show off his abs. Has a reputation in the industry for being arrogant. Posts on Instagram a lot. Blocked Wolf on all social media accounts. Close with Eunchan, and is friendly rivals with Robin. Has gotten in a smoking scandal, and apologised, but didn't actually stop.

Wolf Keum- Very controversial but very popular. Has the thirstiest simps (me) and is known for his unique visuals. Rebels against his company and manager a lot but they don't say anything because they're scared of him. Has beef with plenty of other idols. Would go for a sexy/bad boy concept and rarely interacts with fans. He has also gotten into smoking scandals but unlike Grape and Gerard, he doesn't care and just continues. Openly shades other idols. You will never catch him in a dating scandal. Bullied Grape when they were trainees, and is known for being very stoic. Never does fanservice and his fans go crazy when his shirt lifts up slightly.

Jimmy Bae- Very problematic and openly beefs with Wolf Keum, and both of their fandoms hate each other. Probably has gotten cancelled at least five times but makes good music so people forgive him quickly. Posts thirst traps on Tiktok and does a lot of fanservice. Exposed for being a bully back in school but continues to make music anyways. Makes very loud and boppy rap music that his fans eat up. Has won several awards but his reputation is starting to decrease.

Donald Na- The face of Versace. Probably has a black card. Is an ace soloist who is good at everything. Has unique visuals. Is the same age as the others but started a company that the others belong to. Is slightly controversial because of all the tattoos that he has but is still highly loved. People love his outfits. Would have a sexy/mysterious concept. He has definitely done something like hiding in a bin to stay away from saesangs (stalkers). Kingsley is his manager. Has the thirstiest fans after Wolf Keum. You will never catch him doing aegyo.

Jake Ji- Rep is a lot better than his actual personality. He has never been in a scandal. His group is unproblematic and stylish. Owns a single snake for a pet that he wraps around his shoulders during lives. The ambassador of some famous brand. Treats fans like friends, but is actually closed off. Is the main rapper and the lead dancer. Reads manga at important events. Does fanservice sometimes. Never listens to his manager. Does controversial things like tweeting about BLM and holding up pride flags. More international fans than K fans. Throws on a hoodie and jeans and is worshipped as a 'fashion icon'.

The Burning Maze is my favorite TOA book and it brings me so much pain… so much pain… but I LOVE IT!!!!

I love that Grover is in it! (He is one of my favorite characters from the series) and Meg dealing with going back to her childhood home! The Arrow of Dodona was, as always, a fantastic character.

It was nice to see Piper and Jason again and that, even though they broke up, they still deeply cared for each other. Caligula was such a good antagonist and Medea was also so good, especially with Piper taking revenge and killing Medea.

Crest was such a fun character and his death is kind of traumatizing, like, Apollo is trapped, in literal pain and forgetting himself as Grover and Meg were dangled over Helios’s essence and Crest kept distracting Medea even as he was stabbed by her like… that’s SO FUCKING DARK!!

I love how it ended with Apollo vowing to keep Jason’s promise to remember to be human.

Other miscellaneous things that I enjoyed was also:

Apollo’s dreams that involved Caligula, like the one in which he ordered a guard to kill Tiberius and the one in which he basically pretended to be the Sun God.

I also liked Caligula’s motives in that Apollo was VERY valuable to him alive, but rather than being like Commodus, who wanted to kill him so that he can rename Indianapolis to Commodianapolis, he wanted to take Apollo’s remaining essence and combine it with Helios’s to become the new Sun God (not to say that I didn’t like Commodus’s motives, it’s just that Caligula is very interesting in that he wanted to become the Sun God)

Honestly Caligula as a whole was such a good character. He has such an intimidating presence throughout the book, and I loved it when he finally got to see Apollo he kind of gushed over him, being excited to finally have him in his clutches, and I love how after Apollo stabbed himself he was all ‘I won’t touch a sorceress’s purse’ and how he was so upset that Piper was knocked unconscious. Honestly if there ever is a TOA show they gotta cast the Emperors right because all the Emperors are horrible yet interesting in their own merit.

I love the conversation that Jason and Apollo had before they left his dorm. I love how Jason tells Apollo that he tried to defend him to Zeus and that Apollo was shocked. I love how Jason made him promise to remember his experience being human and how, even to the last book, Apollo is still thinking about the promise he made.

I love how Meg is just able to show Apollo her memories?? How the fuck did she learn to do that??!! Also the fact that it’s never addressed how she can do this.

Speaking of Meg, I love how revenge obsessed she is, like she was full on ready to murder Caligula and how at the end acknowledges that she was taking her anger for Nero out on Caligula instead (not to say Caligula doesn’t deserve it, but moreso that she realizes that instead of confronting her feelings for Nero, she pushed those feeling into killing Caligula) and I love how Meg is such a strong character, having to deal with going back to her childhood home and having to revisit those old, painful memories of a happier time in her life that was taken away from her, and how, in the final book, she confronts Nero and finally stands up for herself and as she says ‘defeats the Beast’. I just love Meg’s arc.

I love Apollo’s self sacrifice. He has always been a somewhat selfless character, willing to save others over him, but this truly defined his character, how he was willing to do anything to save his friends, and how he most likely would have succeeded had it not been the Arrow of Dodona. I also love how Meg calls him a hero and how his perspective of what defines a hero is being changed.

I love how Wah Wah has SUCH a hatred of Tip Toe Through The Tulips by Tiny Tim that he would rather tell Apollo and Piper where the shoes are than to bear through the music.

I also love how, to me, the kind of dark comedy of Caligula taking your very words LITERALLY!! It’s almost comical how a character vows something only for them to realize ‘oh shit’ as Caligula gleefully fulfills on that promise (like when Wah Wah would give his heart to Caligula or how he ordered for a poets tongue to be cut out and dipped in silver so that they could see his ‘silver tongue’) it’s just… Caligula is SUCH a good character!

I love how Aloe Vera is constantly fretting over anyone who has any injuries. I just like how Apollo wakes up sometimes covered in Aloe Vera’s healing slime.

I love the entire Macro’s Military Madness section. I love as Macro was talking about taking Apollo and killing the satyrs that Coach Hedge was struggling to open a pack of grenades. I love how Apollo landed in another dumpster again and how he peed himself and got himself some pink camo pants.

I love Coach Hedge, he’s such a funny character, especially when he was ready to fight the Automatons in Macro’s Military Madness and had to basically be dragged away.

The entire section of Apollo in molten chains as Medea tries to kill him is such an intense moment. It is such a dark scene, especially as Apollo is loosing himself, loosing his memories and how he is in pain and his skin is being described as being cracked open?! It’s such an intense scene and is one of my favorite moments in the book and one of my favorite moments in all of the Riordan-verse books.

I love the Meliai and how they say ‘HAIL TO THE MEG’ I just love how badass they are. I also love how after they kill Incitatus everyone is just staring at the Meliai with shock and horror.

There are so many other amazing scenes in the book! Honestly it’s one of my favorite books of all time. Honestly the TOA series is so good! I do admit that Apollo is sometimes annoying with how arrogant he is, but his character development is so good! I adore these books so much, so if anyone can recommend me any good fics PLEASE DO!!!

haha that's a nice starry-eyed ambition you've got there buddy. sure hope the narrative doesn't warp it into something ruthless and all-consuming