I Do Not Want To Be Sick. I Am Sick And Want To Be Taken Seriously. There's A Difference.

That moment when you find out your bestie has been lying to you for MONTHS because she's been cheating on her husband (who is your other bestie) and you're so angry that all you feel inside is dead. This woman was out fucking some other dude WHILE HER HUSBAND AND MOTHER WERE DESPERATELY TRYING TO REACH HER ABOUT HER FATHER BEING TAKEN OFF LIFE SUPPORT.

I'm fucking tired of being lied to by people and I hurt for her poor husband, who's been trying his damnedest to save their marriage for like two years.

Just blew her entire life up. I cannot fathom it.

Recently I keep thinking about how I wasn't allowed to clean myself properly as a child. My mother was obsessed with ridiculing me for my general hygiene making her look bad, but didn't allow me to condition my hair or moisturize my face or use soap on certain areas of my body. Like why? If you're so obsessed with how I look, why are you trying to make me look bad?

Here's something that's been mindfucking me for the past two damn weeks. So not only do I need surgery to have my colon and rectum removed & to get an ileostomy, but I also have to see a pelvic floor reconstruction surgeon.

Because with my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, I'm high risk for prolapses, and guess what being sex trafficked for the majority of your childhood does to your developing pelvic floor? Spoiler: nothing good.

So because of this blessed combination of genetics and abuse, I have multi-pelvic-organ prolapse, and no ability to withstand pelvic floor therapy. I tried. I just literally cannot fucking do it. And there's the fact that pelvic floor therapy might not even work for the severity of my issues anyway. Ergo, surgery.

Now I get to have two surgeons argue over the best way to butcher my body into something livable and I can't even explain how fucking tired I am. I don't even know what to feel about it beyond exhausted.

And then I have friends who are also going through things and I want to be supportive & I try to be, but I just can't do all the things I want to do because I'm spending half my fucking day in a dissociative fog because I just don't know how to process any of this.

emotional processing is so funny because sometimes you’ll be violently sobbing on your bedroom floor over something that happened 4 years ago and then you’ll just. get up and make coffee. and go to the grocery store. and take all this fundamental sadness for a walk. and ponder the cosmic experiences of humanity while eating a sandwich. and that’s healing.

When you're a kid and people do bad stuff to you or you witness bad things being done, you're encouraged to 'tell someone' and 'not keep it secret' and it's almost like we're responsible for making it known and making it stop, you know, if we don't do it nobody will.

But then when we do talk to the person we think is going to believe it + who has the means to stop it, and we get shut down and silenced, this person,, is not responsible for anything at all? They've just been given this valuable information that took us so much courage to open up about and the responsibility, at this point, should be 100% off of our shoulders because we did it, we Told Someone, it should get resolved now, but no? We get victim blamed and told we're making it up or even worse, that we need to shut up about it to keep the 'peace', and the person who does this to us is somehow clear of all responsibility, despite aiding the abusers blatantly??

I don't care anymore, if we told someone we did our part, and the rest is now on that person's shoulders, or maybe, MAYBE on the abuser's shoulders, because they're the ones committing crimes in the first place and it's literally 0% our fault this monster is out there. We are not responsible for protecting the world from the abusers, especially when we tell on them and you all shut us up and punish us for exposing their crimes.

Steve Oster [producer of DS9] - about 4.06 - Rejoined

Something that drives me fucking crazy is when I have trouble with word finding or remembering something, then explain it's just a brain injury problem, and the person responds by saying something like "oh I'm the exact same way!"

You're not the exact same way, if you can read without technology assistance, if you can hold a job, if you can stay verbal 100% of the time, if you don't have to wear an emergency bracelet with your husband's phone number on it any time you leave the house without him, if you can drive a car, etc. It's not the fucking same, stop being an invalidating tool.

January was a tough year but we made it