It's Like:

I sit with my grief. I mother it. I hold its small, hot hand. I don’t say, shhh. I don’t say, it is okay. I wait until it is done having feelings. Then we stand and we go wash the dishes.

— Callista Buchen, from “Taking Care,” published in Thrush

it’s okay to do things that make your symptoms worse (as long as you’ll stay safe)

every once in a while you need to eat something yummy. or go on a walk. or a trip to the zoo. take a hot shower. cry your eyes out. dance. listen to music. draw for way to long. write. laugh. sit in a cafe with a friend. paint your nails. dye your hair. go on a run. pet a cat

sometimes you need to do things that are cathartic or make yourself feel alive. sometimes you need the reminder of why you’re fighting so hard to stay alive

this is your reminder that just because it makes your symptoms worse, it isn’t always the wrong thing to do. there can be value in these actions

I'll always appreciate tumblr for being there for me when I need to vaguely shit post about terrible events in my life ✌🏻

When you’ve been severely ill throughout your early adulthood, it means coming up against this again and again:

OTHER PERSON My 20s were wild – copious amounts of alcohol, partying, having sex with multiple people… SEVERELY ILL PERSON Yeah, mine too – copious amounts of herbal tea, being too exhausted to dance or have sex…

OTHER PERSON (a brief what-the-fuck expression passes over their face before they continue as before) Uh huh, so like travelling, starting new jobs, moving in with partners SEVERELY ILL PERSON Emergency trips to hospital, being too ill to work or go on dates OTHER PERSON (looks momentarily confused, then carries on as if SEVERELY ILL PERSON has not spoken) Going outside every day, holidays with friends, being carefree SEVERELY ILL PERSON Being bedbound/sofabound/housebound and stuck indoors, extreme social isolation, the crushing enormity of chronic illness grief and medical trauma OTHER PERSON ?! OTHER PERSON … OTHER PERSON (as before: enthusiastically begins a story about their dating/romantic/sex life as if SEVERELY ILL PERSON has not said anything at all)

i understand that this is the "disabled people know our own limitations" website, but ime, if you are the kind of disabled where everyone around you knows about it and has known you as a weak, incompetent, subhuman creature your entire life: it is important to learn how to make the distinction between "i can't" and "i'm not allowed to."

"i can't hold fragile things without breaking them" vs "my housemates won't let me do dishes anymore."

"i can't manage my own finances" vs "my family won't let me make my own financial decisions"

"i can't ever learn how to drive" vs "the state has decided that people with my disability cannot be allowed to drive."

also "what would need to happen for it to be possible for me to be able to do dishes?" or "what would i need if i were to ever move out?" or "what kinds of supports would i need if i did try volunteering?"

even if the answer to these you come away with is "i actually cannot do the thing, no matter what supports or accommodations i'm given" that's fine! they're still useful questions to ask!

petition for chronic pain to just

not

please make it stop i beg

Here's a thought: if a child begs to be allowed to see a counselor and the parent's response is to prevent them from accessing mental health care because you're afraid CPS will be involved? That's a red fucking flag.

If a kid carries around a window crank and a screwdriver in their bag, tells you it's secret from their parents, "just in case," because their windows have been screwed shut and the cranks removed? That's a red flag!

If a kid tells an adult they trust, "my parent is an asshole and I'm afraid of them," that's a red mother fucking flag.

If a kid wears shorts to school with bruises covering their legs and makes teary eye contact with their teacher through the entire class period? Red. Flag.

If a straight-A student fails an exam, looks like they haven't slept in two days, is holding their arm awkwardly to the side as if it is hurt, and stands in their guidance counselor's office, shaking and crying, convinced that that failed exam is the end of the world? guess what color the flag is. RED.

If a kid passes out after a hot day of outdoor activities and when their parent arrives to take them home they scream at the kid for making them look bad- the flag is red!

All of the fucking flags were red. Fuck.

Jesus Christ this fucking disorder. I've had someone screaming and crying inside my fucking head all day and it's taking everything in me to not let them front and I just wanna lay down inside like ten blankets and not have to be real

Knowing that trans women of color started the movement in the united states and were literally immediately erased and excluded from what they started is the most deeply jading knowledge.

It is the original sin of the so-called queer community and it damns it from the cradle.

the more time I spend with kids in my husband's side of the family, the more I love these kids, the more deeply horrified I get about my own childhood- about what my mother did to me. about what she let my stepfather do to me. about how many times I was crying out as hard as I could for help, and didn't get it.

how the fuck, what kind of mental fucking gymnastics did she perform to make her capable of this kind of behavior??? how do you look at a child, your fucking child, and think, "yes, i can facilitate the sexual abuse of this minor for the right price." what the fuck.