I Feel So Bad To The Point I Wanna Cut

well, mom now knows about the scars on my upper arm (which are deep styros and barely baby beans) and oh yay.

she seems these as "too far" (she thinks some should've had stitches. like no? they weren't deep enough for that)

i had to explain to her that I don't care how this affects others (like, you're not being physically cut into so like, why should it matter how it affects you? emotionally? try again, I don't care about that)

I had to "promise" not to do that deep again (I will) <-but will have to be careful because I dont want to be strip-searched.

downside, I have some deep ones on my forearm and near wrist that she doesn't know (that might cause a strip-search if she sees those, which fucks me over because my thighs are the worst place)

i wonder, does my friend actually think I have npd?

i don't know why I just have the urge to avoid and ignore everyone and shut down.

if anyone has reblogged my posts, can someone tell me? i would like them back (you don't have to)

i was rotting-in-the-forest

I try to listen to his favorite artist (citizen soldier) and I jus can't. i just can't. i can't listen to music like that without getting pissed off, cringing, or like I'm gonna throw up. i love my bf but I hate that artist.

i genuinely feel like I'm dying. my chest and heart fucking hurt now. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? what do I mean to you? what does Z mean to you? nothing?

no messages or contact for 3 months straight and still none, and I finally decided to look at your Spotify again. so you are alive. what? just avoiding us? because I see a new playlist, A WEEK AGO?

i don't know how to feel. i don't fucking understand anything. and I can't cut to get some form of sanity cause moms in the bathroom. I have no appetite for the food in front of me. i want to fucking blow up.

i just want some fucking answers.

Fucking hate when others look at me.

Do not perceive me. I wasn’t made to be noticed. Im nothing to look at.

I need to stop going deep on my arm, its gonna bite me back in summer

i love my boyfriend but I can't stand the thought of being perceived or seen currently. I deleted the photos I sent him last night this morning cause I couldn't stand it.