Gabriel’s Back At It Again With The Child Crushing (x)

Gabriel’s back at it again with the child crushing (x)

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A Sleepless Night

(Post Twilight of the Apprentice)

Words weren’t an option.

Not right now.

I don’t know when they will be.

Hera was the first one to speak. Maybe not vocally. But with her gaze. Her gaze towards me. I only looked away. It hurt too much.

Kanan was the one to vocally talk first, as we all sat down in the common room on The Ghost. Hera had guided him over, setting him down on the crescent shaped couch.

I sat down on the brown chair that was apparently Zeb’s. He was the one who placed his heavy hands down on my shoulders, sitting me on it instead of using it himself.

As soon as Kanan started talking, it was a blur. I remember quickly standing up and pushing to get out of the room. I remember voices asking where I was going, but a response just not working.

I remember the violent ringing in my ears, the collapsing against the door frame onto the floor. I don’t know who caught me, or if anyone did. I don’t know how I got to my cabin.

I sat up in my bunk, immediately feeling the dryness in my throat. I kicked off the blankets trapping my body heat in, making a cold sweat form on my skin. Then I heard snoring.

I couldn’t call out his name to ask if it was him. Words still didn’t work. Maybe water would help.

I found myself in the kitchen of the ship. I reached my hand up to grab a cup the usual way I would, with the force. I stopped myself, fisting my hands at my sides. I couldn’t now. Not after what I had done back on that cursid planet.

A dirty cup from the sink was washed and filled with fresh water. I held it with both hands, both of my shaking hands. I didn’t go back to the cabin, but instead the common room. Back on the chair.

The cold liquid felt soothing on my scratchy throat. It brought some sort of relief. But not enough. Maybe the water brought back some ability of emotion.

I didn’t make it through the other half of my cup, before I had started crying.

Full on bawling.

I had to put the cup down in order not to spill it everywhere. Or maybe so I wouldn’t throw it across the room.

Why was it so cold?

My hands held my legs to my chest, being the only comfort I had. Shaking back and forth seemed to help. Pushing my head into my knees made it more bearable.

It fell from my tongue before I knew it. The first words I had said since I had screamed, seeing the temple collapse with Vader and Ahsoka fighting fiercely, still inside.

“It’s all my fault.”

Were those the only words I knew? It felt like it. They just kept repeating. Over and over, as I shook on the chair. I don’t know how long I was there, lost in that trance, but a beeping sound distracted me.

The orange droid had pulled up beside my chair, sticking an arm out and patting my socks. It raised an arm, holding it up towards my knees.

I reluctantly dropped my legs down and reached a hand out to his. I blinked, and we were back to my cabin.

I felt him nudge my legs, pushing me inside. The door opened, and my gaze immediately turned to the color in the room. The red color being emitted from a triangular prism in the corner on a desk.

I remembered another word. And once again, it got stuck on my tongue.

“No! No! No!”

Chopper had a grip on my hand, but I was stronger. I pulled away and backed up to the far corner. “No no no no!”

The lasat in the lower bunk finally stirred. “Chopper! What did you d- Ezra? Kit?” Zeb quickly sat up, slowly inching over with his hands out.

“N-no. No no no…” I wanted to tell him to go away. I didn’t deserve comfort. Kanan did. Go help him not me!

“Kit. Come on. Back to bed. It’s uh.. it’s okay.” Zeb reached a hand under my arm, pulling me up from the floor.

“It’s my fault. My fault. No no no….”

Zeb looked to where I was staring. The red seemed to stand out in the darkness of the cabin.

“That? Ezra, you ‘er focused on that thing for like an hour! ‘Ere!” Zeb reached over and grabbed the holocron, quickly placing it in my hands, then raising his own paws up and out of the way after.

“NO!” I tossed it at the wall, causing it to turn over and land in the corner of the room behind some empty milk cartons.

Zeb shook his head. “Come on. Bed ‘ime. Just rest.” He placed both hands on my shoulders and stood in the view from the holocron. I blinked.

Suddenly I was covered in my blankets again. Zeb was softly snoring again. But I couldn’t sleep. How could I? The only thing that ran through my head were three words.

“It’s your fault.”

My legs brought the same comfort as before, clutching them to my chest. Pressing my head down kept out the red glow in the corner of my eyesight. Rocking back and forth was just something do to.

Maybe I fell asleep like that. I don’t know. But I remember waking up to a hand on my back. A fragile hand. Maybe the look on her face suggested I had been awake all night like this.

“A-are you okay? Is something wrong?” Sabine had the most worried expression plastered on her face. I didn’t like it. I learned another word from it.

I shook myself free from her hand, looking away.

“I’m fine.” Did she buy it?

“Breakfast is ready. Just…come down when you’re ready.” She blinked a few times, before walking out. Before I could say one of the few words I knew, she was gone.

I swung my legs over the side of the bunk, and stared down at my hands. My stupid hands. The ones that trusted Maul and were used against me. I didn’t want to feel the same power I did when I was lifting that wall ever again.

“Ezra? Are you in here?”

I looked up to the voice coming from the doorway, my neck cracking. I quickly looked back down. Why was he here?

Kanan slowly walked in, hands trailing along the wall to guide him closer to me. I wanted to curl up in the farthest corner, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t move. His hands found my knee first, then my thigh, then my shoulder.

“Ezra…we’ve been calling for you for a while…maybe an hour.” Kanan slowly rubbed my right shoulder.

I used that same word again. It was the only thing that would come out.

“I’m fine.”

Kanan’s hands trailed to my face. His right thumb rubbed over my scars. They both trailed up behind my ears into my hair. I kept still, avoiding the white cloth where his eyes should have been.

“My fault…It’s my fault…mine.”

His left hand trailed down to my back, pulling me in for a hug. His right stayed in my hair. “No it’s not. Ezra, please… please stop blaming yourself. This is not-”

“Yes it is! It’s my fault! All my fault!” New words formed and suddenly were spat out.

“I trusted him! I believed him! I was wrong! It’s my fault!”

Kanan quickly grabbed me by my upper arms, holding me tightly.

“Ezra. This is not your fault. It’s not. He deceived you. He deceived me, and he deceived Ahsoka. Please… Trust me.”

I quickly looked up, my eyes finally meeting the white cloth over where Kanan’s eyes should have been. I could feel tears forming in my own eyes.

“Ah-Ahsoka…”

I felt my bottom lip quiver at the thought of the tall togruta. How much I missed her. How much I blamed himself for her death. How much I hated Darth Vader for taking her away.

Kanan rubbed his thumbs over my upper arms, trying to drag me out of my thoughts. He was suddenly met with an armful of teen, violently sobbing into his chest.

“I’m s-so sorry! I’m s-sorry! Sor-so sorry!”

He softly rubbed my back, trying to soothe me. “Shhh. It’s okay. Just calm down. Breathe.”

I rubbed my head into his sweater, my tears soaking the front of my master’s pullover. I wanted to believe everything wasn’t my fault, but it made too much sense not to be.

“It’s your turn to trust me now. Trust me in saying, that none of this is your fault. Absolutely none of this.”

The heaviness I felt inside me seemed to lift slightly. I don’t know how, or why. But I felt better, in his arms. Everything felt right. I almost felt…happy.

Kanan pulled away, his hands resting on my shoulders. “Come on. Breakfast is probably cold now. So we better go before it freezes over.”

I could tell he was trying to be funny. But I wasn’t ready to laugh just yet. But what I could do, was smile. From the way Kanan pat my back, maybe he could tell I had?

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darknessarounds99

9 years ago