What People Need To Understand Is That When Crowley Denies Being Kind, He Is Deliberately Lying. He Doesn’t

What people need to understand is that when Crowley denies being kind, he is deliberately lying. He doesn’t actually think he’s evil—I don’t think Crowley really believes in ‘evil’ as a concept, at least when applied to people and not actions—but being seen as good is extraordinarily dangerous for him. He doesn’t allow Aziraphale or anyone else to say that he’s nice not because he thinks he isn’t, but because if he’s caught by Hell being anything less than the kind of demon who would gleefully incite the Spanish Inquisition, he’s dragged down to the Pit for a few decades. It’s self-defense, not self-loathing. This season, when Gabriel tells him he’s really nice, he sputters over it for a bit and then says, “Well, nobody would believe you anyway,” which I think is a sign that he’s recovering a bit from the power that Hell had over him before the end of S1.

Crowley’s confidence in his own identity is actually pretty strong, especially when compared to Aziraphale. Crowley knows who he is, and he’s comfortable with it. Where he struggles much more is how he can fit into the binary world of Heaven and Hell. He does have a couple of scenes where he is angsting over being a demon, yes, but I think that’s much less “I wish I could be Good like an angel” and much more “hey, hurting me and kicking me out for asking questions was BULLSHIT, and so is this entire system, actually.”

And to be fair, I think Crowley would genuinely object to the idea that he’s ‘good.’ As mentioned above, absolutes like good and evil make Crowley itch. He’s rude, and he makes peoples’ lives worse on purpose sometimes, and he loves pissing people off, and he’s also deeply compassionate and brave and loving. He makes the choice, every time, between helping and hurting, and that choice is more important to him than directives to do Good or Evil could ever be. And of course it is—above everything else, Crowley believes in self-determination, in thwarting a destiny that seems inevitable, in building beautiful things out of dust. He gave us the apple, didn’t he?

(But was it ever the apple? Or was it just the idea of choice, planted by a lonely serpent who didn’t want to see his new friend Eve boxed into the same prison of ideals as the angel on the wall?

Who can say.)

And that’s why Aziraphale’s offer is so repulsive to him. Crowley knows and likes who he is. Going back to Heaven wouldn’t allow him to ‘be good’ the way Aziraphale thinks it would. He’s been doing good the whole time—his way, and often in direct opposition to both Heaven and Hell. Aziraphale knows that—he’s not stupid—but Aziraphale is also a master of thinking multiple contradictory things at the same time, so he’s going to have to REALLY learn it in S3.