How I Be Sleeping At Night Knowing That Neil Never Died And Him And Todd Went To Nyu Together Where Neil

you usually never remembered your dreams; you had bursts of them each time you moved to a new place, as if your brain is shaken loose.it was your only constant. for you it’s always been about the residue they left behind rather than their contents, a black charcoal color that stained your insides. they were less dreams and more like nightmares, except you never woke up, never got the catharsis of a scream or a sharp inhale. you knew better than to make a noise in the house where your father slept.

you were in vegas when you got your only recurring dream. it was strange not only because you remembered it but because it was hard to classify. it wasn’t a nightmare yet it wasn’t a dream, either; every night you welcomed it as if you didn’t know how it ended. you were always on the surface of sleep, tiptoeing the line between consciousness and deep slumber. it was a room with only your bed and a window. the day was blank, always. not even a cloud in the sky, like you and the room were the only thing that existed. somehow you were empty of all of your unhappiness and felt warm and rested. safe. 

until a violent noise woke you up, coming from the window. your eyes opened in confusion, you rose sleepily and stayed there, staring at your silhouette on the wall across until your thoughts caught up with you and you looked towards the window at the commotion. 

it was a bird. you never knew what type but you knew it was the same one. your bones cracked and adjusted as you moved towards the window to open it,  the latch creaked as you unlocked it and flinch at the noise. the bird sputtered into the room with stuttered movements, its cries soft. you stared at it, transfixed. it was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. until you realized it was bleeding. how long had it been banging against the glass? oh god, you realized. you didn’t know. you panicked. your hands shook as you tried to decide what to do. a minute passed, two, until you got the courage to scoop it up in your hands. you were scared to crush it, for your hands had never known softness, had never felt a tenderness like this. the weight of love towards another living thing. but you were always too late; as soon as you finished that thought, its heart came to a steady stop. you held it up to your chest, as if your heart could have passed on just a little bit of its life. but it never revived. and you were left in the room, the only other life you had ever known extinguished. a single tear fell from your cheek. then, you woke up. and it began again. 

the nightmare dream stopped when you got to know the only other neighbor in the sea of identical houses. you didn’t notice, you were so happy and desperate for companionship. completely enraptured in this boy’s orbit. 

he experienced nightmares, like you, except he got the luxury of catharsis. his cry reminded you of another sound, and that’s when you remembered. the bird. instinctively you wrapped your hands around him, holding him. touching him like no one else had ever touched you. with care. you felt his heartbeat quicken against your chest for a second, and then his breathing slowed to the rhythm of sleep once again.

except there was something about his heartbeat, like the fluttering of wings. you fell asleep with a slight smile on your face. because it hadn’t been too late after all. the bird lived! you felt like you had finally given it its salvation, something that you’d never have. i must do everything i can to keep this bird alive, you thought, right before you fell asleep. 

you held his outgrown hair back when he vomited (if you were lucky enough to make it to the toilet). you dragged him off the road when he’d lay in the middle of it, praying for a car to come. but like all of his prayers, it went unanswered. when he’d open his eyes, for a split second they would transform into headlights. and your heart, you swore, stopped in that same second. you held him as he thrashed, in a frenzy to find the adequate punishment for himself. you held him until he stopped, as he realized for the millionth time that there was no punishment that would satisfy him, even death. 

years later, this boy, in his drunken haze, showed you a painting. you blinked, startled. it’s the same one from your dreams. the goldfinch, the boy calls it, with blind admiration, as if he were talking about a god. without thinking you took it from him. like you knew he would leave you. a bird had to fly away sometime, didn’t it? you repeated this to yourself but it brought little comfort. 

it would be the only thing you’d have left of him. you’d spend hours cradling it, the same way you cradled the boy. when he left, you felt like you had failed. you were supposed to keep him safe! who knows where he is! but you never let that train of thought go further than that, you didn’t dare to. it would derail, crash and burn within seconds. you’d keep the painting safe. it was the only thing you could do. 

but you couldn’t do even that in the end. the bird, it felt like the only holy thing in your life. the only thing you’d cherished. it’s the painting, you say to yourself. it’s the painting i’m talking about. you could lie to everyone but yourself. but like anything good in your life, it either left or you found a reason to give it up. good wasn’t a word meant for you. you’d spent your life building your own definition, one better suited for you. and for him, too.  

even though you didn’t dare to think of his name, you felt the smoldering of his anger,  he had probably found the civics book in place of the painting. and this is what kept you from coming back to him. every time your thoughts wandered too close to him, you burned. any longer and you would be engulfed in him. you wouldn’t know where you started and he began. 

so you decided to stay in the periphery of his life, instead. looked up at his bedroom window under the streetlight. sat in the car and stared at the antique shop where he worked, that before he used to talk about it like it was a myth, a fantastical place in a story. you thought it would hurt too much, but you were bursting with relief. knowing he was on the other side was better than thinking about him; in your mind he would always be uncertain. in your mind, he would always take the form of a corpse. but you found comfort in the pulse within the shop. 

you spent hours there, preparing something to say in case he saw you, in case you heard his footsteps, each like a bomb ticking down, coming towards the car. it was the only thing you’d ever rehearsed. 

when he finally saw you, in the bar weeks later, all of those lines you’d rehearsed dissolve on your tongue. suddenly you’re an actor, a puppet. looking at him in the eyes was like staring straight into the spotlight. in that moment you thought only one thing. a name. theo. an inhale after years underwater. and then, he talked; and the heat of the anger you expected is not scorching but warm as a caress. you leaned into it. and that’s when you heard it. the violent fluttering of wings inside his ribcage. desperate to escape and fly into your hands. i took conversational russian in college, he said to you. a confession. because of you. it made me think of you. and it felt so real you could almost see it; his chest opening, blooming like a flower, exuding a beam of light, light identical to the one in your dreams. and the goldfinch coming to rest in your hands. for a second, you’re so mesmerized you forgot that you’d betrayed him. you’d do anything to keep it safely in your hands, to keep it from flying away. and with a jolt you realized; it didn’t want to fly away, and it never would again. 

theo really went on an extensive rant about boris’ girlfriend and how their bond is deeper, left his engagement party to run off with boris, and most notably says he loves him. i know what you are.

Reevesus Krist...

...amen.

going from aapi heritage month to pride month i stay winning happy pride month

i feel like we as a society don’t talk about the scene in the goldfinch where theo and boris were hurt in amsterdam enough. mainly how theos only thought after he killed a man and lost his prized possession seconds after attaining it again is boris.

their dynamic is so interesting to me. the dependency they have on each other runs deep and is so prevalent.

hi this post makes me feel too many things

Theo :(

The Goldfinch dir. John Crowley // The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt // Jolene by Ray LaMontagne // Stephen Colbert on grief // The Only Thing by Sufjan Stevens // The Fellowship of the Ring by Tolkien // The Comfort of A Laugh Track by Roar // The Burning Hill by Mitski // Because Dreaming Costs Money, My Dear by Mitski // Andrew Garfield about grief // Rock Me to Sleep by Elizabeth Akers Allen

just imagine. you're 15 you're high of your ass on god knows what your mom died in a terrorist attack you're suffering from trauma your dad just died, he never loved you, and you're running away and you're in love with your bestfriend and he kisses you and you know he wont come with you.

JUST FUCKING IMAGINE

god i hope no one saw my last posts i lost my shit bc of a simple mistake 😇 i love overreacting yummy

PLACES TO DONATE AND SIGN TO SUPPORT BLM

(Do not donate money to change.org, none of their funds go to their petitions or organizations)

I Run With Maud - a fundraiser for the family of Maud to support them financially and seek justice. Ahmaud Arbery is black man who was chased and gunned down by two white men. (donation)

Minnesota freedom fund - raise money to bail out minnesota protesters (donation)

Official George Floyd donation fund (donation

The heart of a chef - Help pay for a black chef’s medical expenses

Justice for Sheku Bayoh - A black male who was taken into police custody and never returned home (petition)

Justice for Jennifer Jeffley - A black woman who was arrested at the age of 15 for a crime she did not commit (petition)

Abolish prison labor in the US (petition)

Free Willie Simmons - A black man serving 38 years for stealing $9 (petition)

Free Siyanda Mngaza - A young black woman sentenced to 4 1/2 years for self defence (petition)

Drop all charges against trafficking survivor Chrystul Kizer - A black woman incarcerated for using self defence against a trafficker (petition)

Justice for Zinedine - A black woman who was r*ped and he walks free. (petition)

Justice for Joāo Pedro - A 14 year old black boy who was shot in his home by the Rio de Janeiro police and died. 72 bullet holes were found in his home. (petition)

Justice for Sean Reed - A young black man who’s life ended after excessive violence by the cops against him while he was unarmed. (petition)

Justice for Breonna Taylor - A black woman, an award winning EMT who was killed by police in her home after an illegal unnanounced drug raid. They went to the WRONG HOUSE. (petition)

Exonerate Eric Riddick - A black man who was sentenced to life in prison for a crime he did not commit in 1992. There was no physical evidence. (petition)

Justice for Elijah Nichols - A black man who was attacked by a predominantly white fraternity party, stabbed his attackers in self defence, and is now incarcerated for it. (petition)

Justice for Emerald Black - A black pregnant woman who was attacked by the police for having bad registration tags. She was stomped in the stomach causing her to miscarry. (petition)

Justice for Amiya Braxton - A black child who was hit by a car. No one took her case serious and the driver was not charged. (petition)

Justice for Belly Mujinga - A black woman who was attacked while she had COVID-19 which likely lead to her death.(petition)

Justice for Tamir Rice - A 12 year old black boy who was shot and killed by officers for playing with a toy gun. The officers were not charged. (petition)

Justice for Andile Mchunu - A missing black man who was last seen beaten by a group of men. (petition)

Disbarment of George E. Barnhill - The man who decided to sit on the case of Ahmaud Arbery. (petition)

Criminal charges against Travis and Greg McMichael in the murder of black jogger Ahmaud Arbery. (petition)

Correcting a wrongful conviction against Kyjuanzi Harris - A black man who was arrested without cause. He has been in prison for 9 years now. (petition)

Justice for Darrius Stewart - A black man who was killed by a cop for a mistaken identity. (petition)

Reopen Kendrick Johnsons case - A black man who was killed by a man through a jealous fight over a girl. The autopsy revealed that his death was not accidental, the man admits to murder, yet the case is closed. (petition)

Raise the degree - remove bail for Derek Chauvin, the man who killed George Floyd (petition)

Exoneration of Albert Wilson - A black male wjo was sentenced by an all white jury 12 years for making out with a white woman in a bar. (petition)

Julius Jones - An innocent man set to be excecuted in oklahoma (petition)

Junk the anti-terrorism bill- a bill is trying to get passed calling protests, mass mobilizations, and political activities “terrorism” and trying to make them illegal (petition)

Justice for Darrius Stewart - a 19 year old who was gunned down by a white police officer (petition)

Free Wis. teen facing life in prison for killing her rapist (petition)

Justice for Alejandro Vargas Martinez - A black 15 year old who was shot 7 times while walking to school (petition)

I need to share this right now so I can eat but i will add more later! I DON’T care if its not ACNH. If this bothers you, unfollow me. I couldn’t care less. It bothers me how little I see donation and petition links on here, i have a good amount of followers on here, so see this. sign them.

Please sign them ALL. It really is NOT that hard. And share so others will do the same.