Yes! Please Come Back, Jane! For Me At Least, You Started It All…

Low Key(holding)

Levels of Orgasm Control and Chastity - A Guide for 'Vanilla' Keyholders

There are many different kinds of orgasm control. The chastity/denial/control dynamic exists on a spectrum and - as you will see from the countless resources online - there is no one 'right answer'. I've had a large number of DMs requesting variations of the blog posts that I have put out there so far - many of which ask for a 'watered down' version that they can take to their significant other as a way to start the chastity / orgasm control conversation. The most interesting questions are from more typically 'vanilla' wives and girlfriends who have clearly been sent my blog by their husbands / boyfriends and are at a loss to find ways to make this dynamic work. So this article will be a very basic guide to a 'gentle' start in this space to see if you and your partner can make it work.

Starting Out

In most cases in this dynamic, the man has initiated this conversation. First off - well done to him for plucking up the courage to tell you about his desires and fantasies. He's probably been thinking about it for ages and it's healthy to have this openness and vulnerability in a relationship.

Secondly, the most important thing to remember, is that he is proposing that you take the reins in terms of your sexual play. This is crucial, because if you truly take the reins, it means that you don't have to do exactly what he is proposing. You can, and should, put your own spin on things.

Teasing, denial and chastity are all essentially about orgasm control. This means that you man is saying to you that he would like you to take charge of when and how he orgasms. It's as simple as that. If you choose to participate and make this part of your play, this should be the starting point of all of your decisions. So, I'll say it again: "This is about you taking charge of when and how he orgasms."

Again, Why Does He Want This?

I am not going to spend much time on this question, as there are other posts and many resources about this online. However, the cliff notes:

"Not orgasming" for a long period has a profound, often positive, impact over a male's hormones and headspace.

Giving you control may be a turn on for him.

It spices things up in long term relationships.

Some men use it to break habits like masturbation / porn.

It helps a lot of men focus more, exercise more and sleep better.

It's sexy and fun to have you in control.

etc.

There are many benefits for you as the female, but again, these have been outlined ad nauseam. More cliff notes:

No pressure on you for sex

However, you get sex when and how you want it.

Cages look sexy

You set the rules

You can often 'redirect' the male's sexual energy into other things like service, massages, exercising and more.

etc

The Spectrum of Orgasm Control

Here is an opinionated view on the 'levels' of orgasm control you can choose from (or blend) if you and your man decide to give this thing a spin.

All orgasm control dynamics operate under the premise that your man is simply not allowed to orgasm without your permission. Should it be during sex, play or even him masturbating, he must wait for your express permission before he goes over the edge.

Chastity cages often play a role in this spectrum because they serve as a constant reminder and/or partial barrier that the male's choice to orgasm is no longer his own.

1. Not Locked

Here, the male does not wear a chastity cage and is free to touch, pleasure and edge himself at will. He is simply not allowed to come.

This is the simplest form of orgasm control for you as there's no cage component, but, interestingly, it's extremely difficult for him, as it relies purely on his evolution-proven, questionable sexual self control. It requires Buddha-level quantities of zen for most males to not sneak an orgasm while unlocked after 2-3 weeks of denial.

In my view, a major benefit of using chastity in this dynamic is that it is impossible for him to get hard while locked. This reality really keeps his erotic urges in check.

2. Self-locked

Here, you say to your man that you encourage, or are happy, for him to wear a chastity cage during his denial periods, but the locking and management thereof is purely up to him. There is no need to communicate about the lock ups, and the male is using this on his own accord to help control his desires.

This is a good place to start for couples beginning their chastity play which you both get the hang of things, and is also often a landing spot for those looking only for the lowest admin play.

3. Sometimes Locked

Here, you as the female will be more active in the lock up process - primarily by instructing your male to lock up for a specific period of time. You will decide the parameters for when it will be locked on, and when it will be removed, and the male is not allowed to unlock without your permission. In most cases here, you will actually physically keep the key, aka become the 'keyholder'.

This is probably the most 'standard' version of chastity that is practiced by couples, as it is more collaborative in nature. The male may be locked for portions of each month, 'every now and then', for trips, for events like 'Locktober' or 'No Nut November' or for randomly timed durations decided upon by the keyholder.

This is most 'active' version of keyholding as you will be steering the decision-making here. It's also potentially the most fun as there is an uncertainty and anticipation on the part of the male which is hugely exciting for them.

4. Default Locked

In this situation, the expectation is that the male is locked unless there is a clear exception in the form of agreed instances where he can be unlocked - like doctor's appointments, cleaning, certain sports, or airport security. Or, of course, if you want him to be unlocked for sexual reasons. There no need to define a lockup period, because there is no a 'period', per se. He's locked and can only unlock for pre-defined reasons or emergencies.

This is a more intense version of chastity for the male, but is significantly easier for you as the keyholder, as you don't need to set or manage lock up or release periods.

When Default mode is on, you will allow your man to unlock for his doctor's appointment, and then he will relock when it's over. You may unlock him for sex, but as soon as it's over, he will refit the cage immediately. No need for discussions or negotiations, and no questions asked.

Locking Pragmatics

Some keyholders are fans of dealing with the cage all that much, and enforce their keyholding by telling their man to lock themselves and present them the key.

Some keyholders really enjoy this little ritual, and like doing the cage fitting themselves.

Some keyholders want to avoid having their man touch or even see their unlocked penis at all, so will have their men bound and blindfolded at all times when the cage is unlocked.

Again, this is a spectrum. Pick and choose.

I'm Super 'Vanilla' - Where Should I Start?

Short answer - wherever you like.

But my recommendation? I would start in the 'Sometimes Locked' space. Let your man do the locking up part. Try it for a couple of weeks per month - maybe something like the first two weeks of the month are 'locked' weeks. Get a sense of how things go, what you like and what you don't like.

If your man tries to talk you out of your suggested lock up period, or tries to 'top from the bottom', then remind him that you will do this by your rules or not at all. Trust is everything here, and remember that it's ultimately about having a good time.

Expand your Knowledge

Read some other articles or blogs about some of the ins, outs and practicalities.

Communicate, tease, be selfish, have fun!

How to Properly "Edge"  Him

The real art with  “Edging"   is to learn exactly how to get him as close as possible to an explosion without actually Allowing him to erupt. If you pay close attention while you fondle and play, you’ll learn precisely the clear warning signs of an imminent ejaculation. There’s nothing quite like habitual and routine  “edging”  for subliminally building a guys libido and desire. Not only will he cherish you more, thanks to neurochemistry, but within a short timeframe his vulnerable and exploitable mind will be totally under your feminine control…

Here are some tips:

1 - Make him always tell you exactly how close he is. Kind of obvious, but Insist that he tells you when to slow down and when to stop. Especially in the beginning while you’re learning how to read his body language. Keep talking to him, ask him how it feels, what is best. You’ll soon get the feel of it and he’ll love you even more for it…

2 - Feel for his body and muscles tensing, him holding his breath, arching his back or even tensing, all are signs he’s getting very close. Learn to read and understand the signs and don’t worry if you go over, you’re learning. Just be sure it’s a libido-building ruined orgasm…

3 - Move from strong to soft strokes, from his vein filled shaft up to his tip constantly. Change it up, take your time and make sure you get him ultra rock hard for maximum dopamine production in his vulnerable brain… I personally like lots of lube and oil and fast but not too tight of strokes, and then as he gets closer and closer, move to a looser grip and then focus on his hypersensitive head and frenulem (the strip underneath the head at the top where guys are most sensitive). Also take breaks frequently. It’s better to stop one second too early than one second too late, stroke - edge - deny - repeat…

4 - Make it ultimately his fault if he erupts. So again, if he does explode make sure you properly ruin it. Stop all rubbing and stimulation as soon as he starts to climax. Or if he’s tied down, you turn it into a post orgasm torture, after the ruined orgasm, where you use his slippery cum as lube to keep rubbing his hypersensitive Joystick, scolding him by saying: you’re so naughty, I didn’t give you permission to cum…

5 - When you do want to enjoy his pent up explosions, make that part of the tease too. When you’re planning to make him climax and erupt, this is a great time to also practice your edging techniques. Use it as an opportunity to see just how crazy you can make him, where you’re not worrying about accidently taking him over the edge…

6 - Oh and you can add a wonderfully sadistic element with this line: If you can hold on for just five minutes more my love, I won’t ruin it when you do cum, okay baby…

Thanks to FemdomDoneRight (on tumblr) for this effective mindfuck and programming tool.

Extra notes by: HerIntoxicatingBodyOnMyMind

1 - Routine is critical.  Edge Him Every Day.  For best results: One short session (15 minutes) every other morning; one medium-length session (20-30 minutes) every evening before bed; and at least one long session (40+ minutes) every weekend.  If this seems like a lot of time, consider how much time you spend alone doing things you wish he was interested in (like watching your favorite shows on Netflix).  This is one activity he will eagerly join.  Edging is addictive to male neurochemistry, and it very specifically addicts him to you, as long as you do it regularly.  The more you do it, the more deeply he bonds to you, and the more he will crave spending time with you throughout the day.  This feeds on itself, and before long, your nightly “quality time” together becomes perfectly natural for both of you.  Even if you’re already in love, married, and devoted to each other, your connection can still go deeper - and the fire of wilder days can be rekindled.  No more going to bed alone!  Also, any time spent having sex or pleasuring you can count toward his edge time. (at your discretion) Daily orgasms for you, his heat beside you as you drift to sleep, and an eager, attentive lover totally addicted to your touch - what’s not to love?  No matter how busy or tired you are, you both have the time for this, I promise.  Do it for a week, and you will start making time for it.

2 - Edge him more than once.  For most, this is obvious. But for some new to edging, it needs to be said.  Don’t just edge him once and assume you’re done.  Depending on his stamina (and how long it’s been since his last orgasm) it can take a while to build him up to his first edge of the night.  It’s important to think of it that way: “first edge of the night.”  Because once you’ve guided him to his edge - and stopped - he is still highly aroused, and edging him again becomes easy.  All that build-up was time invested to get him to his most blissful state.  Now “cash in” your investment and keep him there, by edging him over and over again.  It should be easy.  A single, slow, tight pump is sometimes enough.  Watch his reaction and enjoy the show! (Women report that this is usually their favorite part - guiding their loved one from edge to edge with subtle touches, watching him, and knowing the exquisite gift he trusts only her to give.)

3 - Keep him guessing.  Every single time you touch his cock, he should never know if you intend to edge him, ruin him, or give him a full orgasm.  Lie to him.  Tell him you’re going to stop, then don’t.  Or tell him you’re going to ruin him, then give him a full orgasm.  Or congratulate him on the orgasm you’re about to give him, then “change your mind” and stop for the night.  This only works if you also sometimes tell the truth.  Once he learns you are unpredictable, his body will naturally prepare for orgasm, (every time!) giving him the rush he craves - while his mind reels in fear of the alternatives.  You are fucking his mind, in addition to his body - in a very good way! Watch how he reacts - from the curl of his toes to the flare in his eyes.  It’s incredibly hot.

4 - A “ruined” orgasm is when you let go and cease all stimulation, a split second before he climaxes.  His cum will sort of just leak out, and it’s not as satisfying as a full orgasm.  “Ruined” is a misnomer, though, because he still gets some small pleasure from it, so don’t be afraid to ruin him regularly.  He might thrash, beg, or try to finish it himself, so this is a good time to playfully experiment with restraints - something as simple as tying his wrists together behind his back with a belt or necktie will do the trick.  The important difference between a ruined and regular orgasm is that the male libido does not diminish after a ruined orgasm.  He will stay horny, eager, erect, and attentive, as though he had no orgasm at all, and you can continue playing, if you wish, after a short break.  You can even ruin him twice in one night - the second one is usually harder to achieve, though.

The problems with chastity

(Taken from Chrissy B’s blog, but worth repeating!!!)

If you are into male chastity, it isn’t hard to find lists upon lists of the benefits of male chastity. As someone who loves the game of chastity there are some very serious side effects of chastity that some men experience that they don’t tell you about on those lists. Instead of a fun and kinky game, it can get dark and bitter FAST. This happens when chastity is done wrong.  What I say won’t apply to every situation or person. But if you are new to key holding, this might help you.

But first some highlights of the proven benefits of male chastity:

1. His desire for you will skyrocket

2. His libido doesn’t crash

3. Male masturbation is evil and this stops it

4. He’ll stay faithful to you

5. He’ll be more helpful around the house

This is the top 5 but you can easily find more. But we are here to mainly discuss the basis of every problem with chastity right now.

IGNORING HIM RUINS EVERYTHING

Yep. If you want chastity to work it means a lot more sex. A LOT more! But it isn’t the traditional type of sex. It is talking and tasks and receptive sex on his part. If as the key holder chastity is some kind of sexual oubliette where you throw your partner and forget about them then you are begging for problems and pain. The benefits of chastity only happen when you replace what you have taken away from him, with something more enticing than orgasms. And remember, that for most guys, they are biologically wired to do almost anything to cum! Mother Nature dedicates whole parts of the brain to sex and desire (for most all people) so you are working with some strong bio-magic. Be aware of what you are getting into. It has the power to raise sexual skyscrapers you didn’t know were possible but it can also ruin and destroy people and relationships. You know the phrase…. “With great power there must also come – great responsibility”.

So on to how we make those benefits a reality.

If you lock up his dick and then expect him to just start doing more house work you are a fool. Taking away a joy in life isn’t going to make someone more helpful. And it is just an abuse of the kinky relationship. Kink is about fun, house work is about necessity;

Now, how to do it right.

If you are in a male chastity relationship, make it part of the fun. Be explicit about what you expect and why. And tell him often…. more than that…. even more than that… Yes, daily, hourly. Whisper it in his ear, text him, email him, phone him at work….You get the idea. And then give him reasons to do more chores that relate to chastity. Trade time out or release for the floor waxed. Or he doesn’t remember the dishes and it is a ruined orgasm for you. You get the idea. Whatever your style looks like, use it. But for the sake of all that is kinky, play with it! Don’t ignore it. Don’t make them wait in silence for a someday. Follow through on what you say you are going to do when you say you are going to do it. And if that is more than 24 hours away, you are doing it wrong. An inconsistent or forgetful key holder is a bad key holder. And bad key holders make very bad chastity boys.

Now, how to do it right.

Use your words. Make a role-playing game out of it. Talk to him, often (see above) about how you love the power over his orgasms he’s given up, Talk to him about his poor denied cock or how you look forward to your next pegging session! You know your man and what buttons to push to make him excited. Use it. And use it often. If he isn’t getting to play with his dick then you need to play with his head. And far more often than he ever played with his dick. Whatever you do, help him remember why he made a vow to you and why you are worth the chastity.

How to fix this?

Welcome to the reoccurring theme of a fun, positive and kinky replacement. You are locking him up and taking away the right of orgasm. And like anytime someone locks up a natural animal you become responsible for their care and maintenance. You get to control when, AND HOW, he releases. It could be never. In that case, you have to find a suitable replacement that is applied at least as often as what you are taking away (i.e. masturbation… which can be multiple times a day for some guys). This replacement could be submissive acts, kinky words, edging, pegging, etc. And then the occasional ruined orgasm or miliking or prostate release. Whatever you do, make it fun (even in an evil way) and make it very frequent. And if it doesn’t result in frequent releases (kinky talk, submissive tasks, etc.) then it has to be as frequent as his normal masturbation schedule (if not more so).

DO NOT IGNORE HIM. Don’t forget him. Absence DOES NOT MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER. Constant teasing and torture and playing and edging and whatever other fun kinky things you do will. If it is done often it WILL make his libido skyrocket and bring out the fun, kinky side of him. He may get super submissive. He may beg. Plead. Claim he’s dying. :-) But he won’t be mad, depressed, and violent or feel forgotten. He will feel loved, owned and played with.

In the end, chastity is an awesome game so long as the key holder doesn’t take a fire and forget approach, or the ‘absence will make the heart grow fonder so if I forget to play with him one day, two days, a week, two weeks, he’ll really be ready to play when I do finally grace him with the merest crumb of play time’ approach. If you do that, it will backfire spectacularly. Chastity can do all those wonderful things the blogs say it can. It can make your man feel, and be, much more submissive. He can find a renewed spark in you. He can feel loved, cared for and not shamed for wanting to play with the person he loved. So long as you don’t ignore your role and don’t forget to play more often than the activity you are replacing (his desire to orgasm) then it will work beautifully and you will have a husband others only dream of!

More On Milking...

Written by Mistress Ivey,

Last time, we discussed some of the reasons for milking your partner’s prostate, and why you should not pay any attention to what the Internet says you should do. It’s time we got down to business. Let’s discuss the mechanics of prostate milking, just for the record, and to make sure you are doing it right.

If you look at the photo below, you will see what you have to do. Your finger may need to be a little further in than the photo would make you believe, but you don’t want to push it in too far, either. You should be able to feel his prostate. If it is enlarged, a common malady in older men, barring any serious health issues, it makes no real difference. All you need to do is to rub your finger up and down the prostate to stimulate semen flow.

There are number of positions that you might want to use. If you can place him on his knees with his head down, this is probably the easiest method. Doctors often do it with the patient standing, slightly bent over at the waist.

Use whatever position is easiest for you. Be especially careful not to push your finger(s) in too far. Although this still might work, you will most likely be pressing behind the prostate instead of directly on it.

Don’t be in too big a rush. This can take time, especially when you are just learning to do it. I have spent as much as twenty minutes massaging a prostate before getting any fluid out. The more you practice on the same person, the easier it will become. With practice, you will eventually be able to achieve your goal within a few minutes.

We have discussed the some of the basics of prostate milking, including what you can expect to see. But, again, I must warn you, do not believe what you see or read on the Internet about prostate milking (especially porn videos!). If you stroke your partner’s penis while attempting to milk his prostate, chances are he is going to have a full orgasm instead of the actual prostate ejaculation you were wanting.

Even if all you do is to hold his penis gently in your hand, it may be too much stimulation, and can cause him to have a full ejaculation. If your man is in chastity, I recommend leaving the chastity device in place so you won’t be tempted to fondle the wrong part of his body while doing this. What you are trying to achieve, can be done even if your guy is wearing a chastity device of any kind. In fact, this is one way many women “relieve” their man without having to allow him any kind of “normal” ejaculation.

If you are concerned about what might happen if your husband (or partner) never gets to have an orgasm, prostate milking is an excellent way to get around this. Doctors agree, though there is no hard evidence that abstinence causes any kind of health risk, prostate milking is an excellent way around this.

By milking his prostate, you give him relief (physically) that will prevent any prostate cancer or other related health risks caused by abstinence. Like anything else, practice makes perfect. Or, as they say, the best way to get to Carnegie Hall is practice, practice, practice. Although prostate milking relieves his bodies physical need to ejaculate, it does nothing for his desire for sexual release. That is, none of the after orgasm drop, or inability to achieve an erection.

So if you feel the need to allow your guy to have some sort of orgasm in order to prevent any health risks, I recommend prostate milking. Coupled with anal sex, it can be fun for both partners. If done alone, as a means of humiliation, or just testing his reproductive system, prostate milking can be fun for the both or you. Try it. You just might like it…

Thanks to MistressIvey

Who’s in?

Yep. Since Feb 1st this time. No end date in sight.

Introducing Male Chastity Play

My name is Ella, I am 36 years old and I work for an insurance company. My husband, deliberately not named, is 37 years old and works as a   senior engineer. We have been happily married for 12 years, with two   daughters, and I am created this site to share my experiences and advice for Tease and Denial and Male Chastity. (If you are not married, please mentally replace husband with  boyfriend when reading this website, it all applies just the same.)   As you are reading this website, I am assuming your husband or boyfriend  has told you that he wants to try something called male chastity play with you, or you have heard about it somewhere and have suggested it to him. Either you have found this website through a search engine, or you have been sent the link. Your first reaction probably was surprise. Why would he want chastity? What  does he want me to do? 

Step 1: relax! When you read through these paragraphs   (I kept it short, I promise!) you  will understand why chastity is a fun, exciting idea for the two of you to try. You may find it’s simply that - a fun game to spice things up in your sex life. You may also   find that male chastity brings a new closeness and renewed desire to   you as a couple. Before you continue reading, make sure you have nothing  else planned for a little while and that you are not distracted by   anything. Relax, take your time, and try to be as open-minded as you can.                                          

To get started, I recommend reading this 101 article. You will need to make notes - digitally or on paper, as to do this properly there are some things you need to choose and then write down.                                           

After this 101, I do recommend you read through subsequent articles linked here, as there is more detail on some key topics, and the more you know, the better you will be at this!

But… First, what is male chastity play?                                           

Simply put, the man uses a so-called chastity device to lock his penis,  and then he gives the key to his partner, making her what is called a “keyholder”.  Chastity devices are sex toys made of plastic or metal that lock around  the penis, making it impossible for him to masturbate or get an erection. In chastity play, the keyholder  (you) has the power to decide when to unlock the device and when to  allow him sexual pleasure. That can be five times a day or five times a  year. The ‘game’ of it is the transmission of ‘power’ regarding his sexual pleasure.                                           

You may not typically be the ‘dominant’ sexual partner in the relationship, but in chastity play it is essential that you assume this position - even if you are just acting or role-playing initially until it becomes the norm. He is not giving you inanimate metal keys - he’s giving you possession to his sexual release and the position of power. Enjoy it! Embrace it and take charge.                                           

I have always  felt that being well informed about something enables you  to do it well. There is a lot on the internet on chastity, and there are several internet forums and chat rooms which seem to start up and die  down as people move around. I have communicated over the years with over  two dozen wives who keep their husbands locked. I have met several of  them in person and the one thing they all agreed on was that the benefits of chastity for their husbands were incredible. It may amaze  you, as it did me, to find out that so many men and women use chastity  as part of their relationship, really more than you could imagine. There  was a Canadian newspaper article in 2019 stating that 6% of men are  caged with the key given to their wife. This just goes to show that male  chastity is less rare than you probably thought and there is a lot of  it being practiced, probably by some of your girlfriends.       

There are two major types of chastity - ‘play’ and ‘lifestyle’. Play is relatively short term and used as part of sex play and diversity. Short term, in my view, falls into the category of 2-week to 3-month lock ups. This is where most couples’ chastity journeys start. It’s vital that the first lockup is at least 2-3 weeks, and is 24 hours a day for that period. Read why here. No 'nighttime only’ or 'daytime only’ - the lockup period must be erection and orgasm free.

Even in short term play, chastity has to be  a 24/7 thing. 24/7 is the foundation; it is the  most positive/enjoyable/effective because the cage is a constant reminder about the power exchange. Most of the day, the male will forget about it and only be subconsciously aware that anything is different. However when they do get a tingle of sexual excitement - for whatever reason, Boom - they are reminded that their erections (and more importantly, sexual release) belongs to you. That’s what’s fun about Tease and Denial (T&D). Life  goes on as it always has, employment,  financial, family issues and decisions are all still there. But it’s a little secret you two share - a fun,  slightly ‘naughty’ way to mix up the relationship’s ‘sexual  dominance’.

What are the benefits of Male Chastity?                                    

The  motivation why a couple would want to begin with male chastity play is straightforward: It is simply a sexual   fantasy or sexual experimentation to mix things up. With the dramatic   rise in popularity in chastity play over the last five years - with   story arcs in mainstream media (Californication), articles in The Independent, Cosmopolitan,  Vice…), it may have piqued their interest as something fun to try.

he  large global movement called “Locktober” is practically everywhere, and is an  entry point for many males and females who want to experiment in this  way.                                          

 Or it is a matter of circumstance that allows for a different style of sexual ‘play’ - long distance relationships, work trips or  other reasons where vanilla lovemaking is limited/not possible.                                           

For  males, chastity play can be very VERY exciting. For the male, chastity play is about having a relationship   where male orgasms are limited but erotic heat is abundant. As part of the game, he  is giving up something that is a very standard part of a male’s life,  his freedom to masturbate. Young men have an abundance of testosterone,  so masturbation doesn’t  seem to interfere with their pursuit of young women. However, as men  grow older masturbating usually translates into the husband losing  sexual desire for at least a couple days. Male masturbation can create  an emotional  barrier in relationships and allows a man to remain somewhat  disconnected in a very selfish and self-serving way. Chastity puts a  stop to the masturbation and works in many ways; it  changes his mood, demeanor and libido.                                           

Males in chastity will almost always have   increased energy. Noticed he hits the gym more? Trimming the body fat? Need less sleep? More productive? Yup. Other changes will likely happen too. He will be more focused and task-oriented. Most  importantly it changes his desire to please you.  This is because as he continues to build up his sexual energy that he  no longer has the ability to release as he pleases, he will divert that  energy towards pleasing you - especially if he has asked you to be his keyholder, rather than you coming up with the idea to keep him locked. His non-stop offers of massages and oral  sex are a very  welcome side effect of the redirection of his sexual energy.                                           

What do I actually ‘do’ as a Keyholder?                                           

Chastity is just that, chastity. There is no need to entertain other kinks your husband may have if you don’t want to. In fact, it is likely  that your husband doesn’t even expect you to do anything more than hold his key. Just be yourself and do what you want. It doesn’t have to  become a time sink and your life doesn’t need to revolve around your husband’s desire for chastity.                                             

As counter-intuitive as it might sound, when you take away a man’s erections, orgasms and his ability to play with his cock whenever the mood strikes, he finds it very arousing. Chastity is a huge turn on.                                           

The sexual frustration a chaste man feels is intense, so intense he experiences a euphoric high from the change of control. That is why a guy becomes super-focused on his partner and the extreme arousal coupled with sexual frustration is what makes the chastity game so much fun for couples to play. The more aroused a locked male stays, the more he likes it. Teasing is what keeps a guy’s arousal at high levels.

Being a keyholder involves:                                           

1. Holding the keys and controlling when and how release takes place (see links)                                            2. Setting and communicating your keyholding rules at the start of the first lockup.                                            3. Teasing - to keep arousal in peak state throughout lockup.

Let’s look at some of this in more detail.                                           

Teasing                                           

You don’t have to be an expert at sexual teasing or spend loads of time  learning how to become one. Chastity with teasing keeps the arousal and positive energy / endorphins / oxytocin at ideal levels. Chastity without teasing will lead to frustration and grumpiness - pretty soon the game will be up.                                           

So, teasing is essential to keep your  husband’s arousal peaking, but there are plenty of simple ways to do  that which don’t require a lot of time. It’s important to remember that you and not him will be the one making  the (bedroom) decisions once he is locked. There are no fixed rules how  often you should test him, unlock him or let him ejaculate, and chastity does not  need to change your everyday life, certainly not outside of the bedroom.  I would suggest you give it a try and then just go with the flow.                                           

Teasing Ideas                                           

So how do you do ‘teasing’? I don’t mean making fun of him. We’re not in middle school. I mean  turning him on, only it’s teasing because he can’t get hard, let alone  have an orgasm. It’s the ultimate cock tease and it makes chastity play  so much more satisfying for you and your man.                                           

The great thing about male chastity play is how little effort it takes you, as the keyholder. My ideal teasing effort is 2-5 minutes a day, or every second day… mix it up. Make it a rule that he is not allowed to ask for it. In bed at night, roll over and tease for a bit. Then say goodnight. Other nights - do nothing, say nothing. That is half of the fun - for you and for him!                                            Look at the list below and jot down some of the ones that appeal to you…                                           

Some simple teasing ideas: 1: Non-physical - Talk about it: Talk about his chastity cage. Tell him you like how it looks, how tight it must be, how full his balls look… Ask him to show it to you as a 'cage check’ at random times… The simple act of talking about it will drive him crazy! Men are hilarious. - Choose his underwear for him. Tell him to wear a particular color, or tell him to wear the tight white ones, the compression shorts, swimsuit… or no underwear today…whatever. You’re taking control, and that’s hot. - Tell him to sleep naked every now and again - Even wear some sexy outfits and parading around will drive him crazy!                                           

2: Physical - Play with his balls. Even while locked, his balls are exposed, unless you have a full chastity belt where the balls are locked too. With his cock locked, his balls become infinitely more sensitive. Stroke / tickle to start, but then squeeze and pull. Then slap. Start slowly and build up the slapping in intensity, and tell him to tell you when to stop. Then start again..! Women are way too gentle with balls in general - most makes prefer far more rough play than they let on. Let him guide you if you are unsure.

- Play with the Cage: while most cages do a great job of making erections and orgasms impossible, playing with his cage is a great way to tease him. If it’s an enclosed cage (better in my view) then he will not be able to feel anything at all if you are stroking it - but he will imagine it and it will blow his mind. Any exposed parts will become hyper-sensitive, so touching them or poking/licking… you name it - will drive him the best kind of crazy.  

- Kissing:  It’s the fastest way to turn him on and he’ll never turn it down. Even  though he knows his cock is going to ache because it can’t get hard, he  loves to kiss. For added heat, hold his cage / balls while kissing.

- Body contact: Make him worship your body – This is an absolute must when he’s locked  up. He craves your body. He craves you. Have him worship it. Have him  kiss you all over. Have him give you a massage.

- Nipple play: men’s nipples are almost 5x more sensitive than female nipples. With his cock locked, his nipples will heighten in sensitivity further. You may have even noticed they stiffen or harden more quickly or for longer than usual. Play with them by using nipple clamps, clothespins or even just by pinching and squeezing. Be careful, some locked males have been known to cum from just nipple play alone!

- Shower with him: Ask him to rub lotion on you or whatever you prefer. Being locked naked with you in the shower will blow his mind. - ‘Have and Hold’: If you want to unlock him as part of teasing, a fun one is to make him stand next to the bed or across the room, and unlock the cage. Once the cage is off, he is not allowed to touch his cock. He will almost certainly get hard. You carry on with reading or whatever you were doing and tell him to inform you when he has gone soft. Make the odd comment and watch to see how easily you can make him react. As soon as he is soft, tell him to relock the cage.

- Anal play: You may know that men have a P-spot near their prostate which is similar to the female G-spot, although most hetersexual males never use it. My husband is not into anal play, so I don’t have much experience there, but there are some incredible resources out there if it’s your cup of tea!

- Finally, if you want to play with his cock while unlocked as part of teasing, I’ll drop some notes on the ‘Release’ over here. Focus on edging and the touchless release (if you really want to give him a treat). Remember - teasing means no cumming. A little bit every day or every couple of days will form the foundation of your chastity play!                                           

Basic Keyholder Rules                                           

At the start of the first lockup, you need to set rules. Writing them down and send them to him on email or text message is the easiest. That way he has them at all times. And send them to him at work while he’s locked and you will really get him squirming! Or you can inform him in person. These are your rules and are not a discussion - he has asked you to be the keyholder, so he must play by your rules or you call the whole thing off.                                           

The most typical rules for keyholders are as simple as this:                                  

The Wife can choose the chastity device.                                           

It’s not called a cock or penis or whatever when it’s locked. Come up with a name for his locked cock. Tell him that is what it is called from now on. The most common name is  'nub’, so feel free to use that. And it’s 'your’ nub, your balls etc, not his. Make sure he gets that right.                                           

The Wife will hold the keys to the chastity device and will not make them accessible to the Husband.                                           

The Wife decides when the Husband will be unlocked, allowed and erection, or allowed release. Separate the concept of 'unlock= orgasm or'unlock=erection’. In most cases it’s none of those.                                          

The Husband will not ask for release and there will be no discussions about chastity unless the Wife brings it up. Infringements can be extending lockup or some other forfeit ;)                                           

Chastity play will not intrude into the Wife’s daily life or restrict her own sexual satisfaction.                                           

The couple will give chastity a try for at least 3 months. First timers should lockup for 3 weeks at least and then evaluate / discuss. The keyholder does not have to (and should not) tell the planned release date. Keep him guessing.

That’s it: give it a go!                                           

Give it a shot! You don’t have anything to lose, it may add a new level  of intimacy to your relationship, and you will have a lot of fun doing  it. I promise. Show your love to your husband, have sex freely and  frequently, tease him, be playful and enjoy each other. The only thing  you need to do is control is his ejaculations. Getting comfortable with  male chastity can be challenging at first but it won’t be long until it  becomes a normal everyday component of your relationship. Having talked  to many women, the most common regret was that they didn’t start male chastity much earlier!

"If you are not a good tease, you are not a good keyholder."

The Importance of Tease and Denial in Male Chastity

Your man has expressed his desire to be a submissive male and you to take up a dominant role in the relationship. He told you about chastity cage and you have locked his cock because it is going to make him more attentive, submissive and obedient man, right?

Wrong!

Chastity can surely spice up things and re-ignite the spark between a couple. It is like a dirty little secret between you guys, so it really does excite up the things. However, if you are having some kind of relationship issues, communication issues, intimacy problems or sexual disconnection and you believe chastity is going to fix up those things, then you are ABSOLUTELY WRONG.

I believe chastity magnifies things.

If there are problems in your relationship, it can magnify them.

If you have a good sexual relationship and emotional intimacy, it can magnify it.

It is just like a tool that helps you on the path of building a Female Led Relationship. It is surely not the core of your relationship but a tool to help you shape up your relationship.

What is Tease and Denial

Tease and Denial (T&D) refers to teasing, sexually arousing and being naughty with your man without giving him any kind of sexual release. You absolutely arouse him and make him hard but withhold him from releasing his sexual tension. It does not mean that you are also deprived of sex. You can get oral sex from him, or probably a good pussy massage, or even PIV. Simply tell him to stop whenever he is getting close during PIV because you want to keep him denied.

I hope you get the idea of what T&D is.

Why is T&D Important in Chastity?

This is the most important thing I want to highlight in this article.

Chastity is not just physical for men. It has a very strong emotional aspect as well. Since your man is in 24/7 contact with the cage, he might feel submissive and controlled much more than you are feeling dominant. He has surrendered his most intimate part to you. He definitely does not want to feel that you are taking this lightly.

In my opinion, Tease and Denial serves as a constant reminder that you acknowledge his efforts. T&D makes him feel loved and supported. Chastity can feel very lonely for him if you just lock him up and then never talk about it or forget about it. T&D makes him feel accompanied in this chastity journey.

He should feel that you are taking male chastity seriously. For example, you should not keep the key lying around in the house. It will give an impression that you either do not care about the key getting lost or you are indifferent towards him unlocking himself. Teasing him and constantly reminding him that he is denied from any orgasm helps him to get into the right mindset for being locked in the chastity cage.

WHY T&D?

Some women are born naughty and kinky while other struggle to get into the role. You might be thinking chastity is bad idea because T&D sounds like too much work. You might also probably wonder that FLR is supposed to be all about you and it should make your life easier so why do you have to make extra efforts, right?

While FLR should make your life easier, T&D can be thought of as a small investment you make each day for a bigger returns on daily basis. Think about it, 2 minutes of T&D can easily motivate him to clean the house, do the dishes, wash the clothes etc. On second thoughts, T&D also adds in a fun factor to your relationship. Female Led Relationship should make your lives better, happier and more satisfied. Tease and Denial is just one more activity to exert your dominance, make him more submissive and keep the fun alive in your relationship. And Yes, it keeps him sexually frustrated.

How to T&D ?

I promise T&D is not too much work. Actually, it is no work at all. T&D could be as simple as grabbing his balls, or whispering something naughty in his ears, or asking him to send you a pic of his locked cock.

Teasing can range from a 1 second glimpse of your Goddess like body and sexual parts to 10  seconds long whispers to 15-20 minutes long edging sessions.

Edging refers to bringing him near orgasm and then completely remove any kind of stimulation. Once he gets a bit relaxed, you again bring him near orgasm and keep on repeating this process.

The whole point of T&D is to tell him that you are enjoying while he’s locked up. Here are a few examples of what T&D can look like :

Fondle with his balls for a minute or two every morning or night ( or both ).

Ask him if chastity is causing too much frustration and tell him that you are enjoying it.

Show him the key and then keep it in your pocket.

Constantly let his tongue caress what his cock is denied.

Play naughty chastity games with him like rolling a die to decide his release. Since you are the leader, ultimate decision is in your hands.

Send him some naughty pics of yours and tell him that you own him.

Kiss him passionately and then hold his locked cock and say, “Oops, I wish we could have sex but I prefer it locked.”

Tell him to stop right before he is about to cum during sex and then lock him up once he gets limp.

Occasionally refer yourself as his keyholder – “Your keyholder wants you to get groceries from the market”. See, how easily you changed a vanilla task into a little tease by simply playing with words.

The whole point is to show him that he is not alone in the game. You are as interested as he is. I strongly believe in –

“If you are not a good tease, you are not a good keyholder.”

Benefits of T&D

Increased arousal and desire: By prolonging the sexual anticipation and desire, T&D can intensify the pleasure and satisfaction for men when they are finally allowed to orgasm.

Heightened emotional connection: T&D allows to express our vulnerabilities in front of our partner. Men tell their deepest and most intimate secrets to their Mistress. They also expect her to use these vulnerabilities during T&D. I will write an article on vulnerabilities in near future.

Power dynamics: T&D not only makes FLR more fun, it complements chastity. It makes the male partner more submissive, obedient, and devoted while arouses feelings of control, responsibility, and trustworthiness in the dominant partner.

Enhanced communication: T&D requires a high level of communication and negotiation between partners. Engaging in T&D can help a couple improve their communication skills and build a stronger emotional connection.

Improved relationship satisfaction: When T&D is done consensually and with trust and communication, it can lead to increased satisfaction and happiness in the relationship

Conclusion

In conclusion, I would just say that chastity is much deeper than it really seems. It is not just a piece of plastic or steel that will fix your relationship, it requires work. Your submissive will feel much more than just a physical restraint on his penis. He will go into deeper thoughts quite frequently about the things that have changed in his life. He needs to be reminded that he is not alone. He needs to reminded that his fantasies are getting fulfilled.

T&D will amplify your dominance and keep his mindset in a good submissive space.

Keep Dominating.

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