Clark: We're Going To Need Someone To Scare Them. Wally Stay Out Of This.

actually though. various (sfw) kryptonian biology headcanons that skirt right up to human-passing

- higher base body temperature

- pupils that aren’t black but instead shaded slightly in the color of the iris. all kryptonians have unnaturally vivid eyes but it’s hard to tell exactly why unless you’re literally gazing into them

- tapetum lucidum (reflective eyes like animals) a bit harder to get away with, but are extremely funny because clark often does the maneuver where he’ll stand in front of a car to stop it, and this would make seeing him like seeing a deer but 10000000% worse

- they are actually bioluminescent it’s just that under normal circumstances it’s in the ultraviolet and we can’t see it. clark goes off to a blue sun mission and comes back looking halfway to electric blue superman. glowing stripes and freckles

- non-newtonian dynamic to their skin/flesh where it gets harder with more force applied; nothing unusual to the feeling of a normal handshake, but a punch thrown with force will break bone

- retractable fangs au because bonus teef are fun

- i swear some comic somewhere said something about nose gills

- solar lymphatic system primarily distributed along the spine. the entire spine lighting up with heat vision…

- they can collapse/skrunkle their spine a few inches; helpful with secret identity, but it restricts range of motion so it has the side benefit of making them a little clumsier

- blood tinged gold with stored solar energy

- just enough extra twist in their neck to enter uncanny valley territory - not quite looking straight behind but enough to be creepy as hell. kara would do this all the time

- golden age face squooshing. i do not think this should come back but it was actual canon for a while that they could just contort their faces. again creepy as fuck

Why am I the funniest at the buttfuck of dawn??

Wait who is Tims assigned youtuber?????

Well

Some rando: "What's your deadname?"

Transmasc Jason, making overly intense eye contact with them: "It's Jadaughter."

Could we get some That Unemployed Friend On A Tuesday Jason x Redneck Engineer Roy

[on the phone]

Dick: Hey, I'm about to go on lunch break. Do you and Roy wanna come?

Jason: Nah, we're already cooking.

Roy: *throws a match into a bucket of kerosene*

Dick: Is everything okay? I hear something on fire.

Jason, putting a baking tray on the flaming bucket: Yep, just making grilled cheese.

———————

Tim: *working in his office*

Jason and Roy: *hovers outside the window*

Tim: What the hell?

Jason: We turned our bikes into a helicopter.

Roy: We gotta keep pedaling so we don't fall.

———————

[at a restaurant]

Roy: Dude, this place is deserted.

Jason: I know. Normally it's packed.

Steph, the waitress: That's because it's 2 PM. And please stop making the Eiffel Tower with forks.

Roy, connecting forks: ...

———————

[at the high school]

Duke: Uh... what are you guys doing here?

Jason: We decided to enter the science fair.

Roy: Allow me to introduce the Duct Tape Blimp 2.0!

———————

[at the middle school]

Damian: My idiot brother and his friend are in the teacher's lounge.

Jon: Why?

Damian: To show off their junkyard coffee maker.

———————

Bruce: Jason, I thought I told you to shovel the driveway.

Jason: We are!

Bruce: We?

Roy, on an ATV with shovels attached: 'Sup B-man.

thank you sans and reigen for creating the perfect energy for today to happen

drive with all the photos, and youtube version

a non-comprehensive list of reasons why bruce has tried banning halloween in the manor

1. dick was overly trusting of clowns as a child. he still holds the family record for most kidnappings in a single night

2. jason tried wearing his robin uniform as a costume. every. year.

3. jason then graduated to dressing up as his corpse and haunting (traumatizing) his brothers

4. cass always manages to scare him. no clark he does not shriek.

5. tim, duke, and steph got ‘spooky scary skeletons’ stuck in his head and martian manhunter started laughing at him in a JL meeting because of it

6. damian was followed and subsequently kidnapped by what they assumed was a group of very tall trick or treaters, but were actually just the league

7. that time of year is when jerry the turkey gets a little self aware (re: defensive). there have been incidents.

8. he walked downstairs only to be greeted with every member of his family dressed like green lantern. even alfred.

9. young justice decided to throw a giant party and to get in you had to wear the shittiest batman costume possible for their contest

10. jason won said contest. he didn’t even stay for the party, he just wanted the excuse

11. gotham rogues are drama kids and are therefore sluts for good thematic irony, so half of them do special edition attacks on halloween

12. the kids all do a candy swap at the end of the night, they invite kate and not him

13. tim has an allergy to peppermint and never seems to be aware of this, so he has to keep multiple epi pens on standby

14. he’s expected to wear slutty costumes and that’s just not worth his playboy cover

15. alfred only confiscates the candy he gets

16. he was just really hungover one year

17. damian has made them all watch coraline so. many. times. he doesn’t even get nightmares anymore

18. tim goes on a sugar high and has to be put on tech lockdown or he might frame lex luthor for murder and extort 90% of gotham’s elite

19. when dick and jason were younger they left open pumpkins outside his door and he would accidentally step in them every morning

20. damian tried to convince them to bob for apples with lazarus water

21. tim fell asleep while bobbing for apples (in normal water) and almost drowned

22. dick and steph drew a glittery skeleton over the batsuit

23. when he complains they all call him the grinch. it’s not even christmas.

24. pumpkin carving always leads to them flinging the innards at eachother and making a mess even alfred refuses to clean

25. the validity of candy corn argument comes to blows. every. single. year.

26. duke lead a revolt one year against the tyranny of bruce’s “no slanderous costumes” policy (he wanted to be slutty batman)

27. the kids throw a rager in the cave and somehow never get caught. it’s the only time they’re all willing to clean and it pisses bruce off that he can’t prove it.

28. bruce got sick and clark walked around the watchtower in a batman costume pretending to be him for two days

29. steph and dick glued the lorax mustache to him while he was sleeping because he refused to pick a costume. it didn’t come off for a week, and lois posted an article speculating he was secretly a natural ginger.

30. all the kids stayed in once and watched ‘it’s the great pumpkin charlie brown’ instead of partying and he’s been trying to get them to do it again ever since

What do you think about non-binary Bell (in 1981 no less) just confusing the absolute shit outta these middle aged American guys that have no idea what tf that means. (Park does, but she refuses to explain, she thinks it's funny)

Adler and Park quickly accepted it, Adler still not understanding but it's whatever. Bell can hold a gun, shoot it, and has a body count. They can do whatever they want as far as Adler is concerned.

Woods and Mason? They've been at the table with Bell for almost an hour questioning them. Sims chose to stay out of it and Lazar was only stroking the fire when it seemed Woods was going to walk away finally.

Woods was so close to flipping the table, it's probably what Lazar was wanting. Bell, bless them, was amused by this. They like Woods which is why he's still sitting there. Mason gave up already and was just sitting there, maybe hoping Woods will crack through.

"You a man?"

"No."

"So you're a woman."

"Also no."

"What's in your pants?"

"Rather forward, Mr. Woods, but I wouldn't expect any less from you."

Woods sputtered and Mason put his head down on the table, shaking a bit. Lazar was all but laughing like a hyena, Sims was just hunched over his desk shaking without a sound escaping him. Bell was having a good time.

"Mr. or Miss!?"

"I don't mind either."

Woods stood and stepped away from the table, Lazar stumbling away from him as it seemed he wanted to set his frustration on the loudest person in the room. Bell was smug, looking at Adler who was trying to not poke the fired up Woods with a laugh.

Kate: Okay everyone, I am assigning all of us to our most difficult mission yet, possibly our whole careers

Price: We’re the core members of 141 Kate, we can handle any-

Kate: We all have to act heterosexual…

Price: KATHLEEN LASWELL! THATS IMPOSSIBLE!

Ghost: I DONT WANT TO GO BACK IN THE CLOSET MOTHER! PLEASE DONT MAKE ME!

Soap: MAMMA PLEASE NO! I DE NOT WANT TO GET A DIVORCE WITH MA HUSBAND AND BE HETEROSEXUAL!

Gaz: IT TOOK ME YEARS TO DISCOVER MY SEXUALITY MOTHER! I DONT WANT TO BE CONFUSED AGAIN!

Farah: I KNOW IM WITH A MAN BUT I DONT WANT TO BE STRAIGHT! PLEASE DONT MAKE ME! WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DISAPPOINTED YOU AND GET OUR SEXUALITY PRIVATE TAKEN AWAY MOM!

Alex: AFTER THE YEARS OF PRACTICE IT TOOK ME TO PREFECT SAYING I DONT KNOW MY SEXUALITY AND NOW I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO SAY IM STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN!

Price: YOU ARE PUTTING THE CHILDREN IN DESTRESS KATHLEEN ! YOU HAVE BROKEN THIS FAMILY APART!

Nik, on a zoom call because he wasn’t on base and only needed to know the entry and exit plan: GO PACK YOUR BAGS CHILDREN, I AM TAKING YOU OUT OF THAT ABUSE FILLED HOME!