The Emotion Expressed...

Just a short video of my card weaving in progress

Want to learn something new in 2022??

Absolute beginner adult ballet series (fabulous beginning teacher)

40 piano lessons for beginners (some of the best explanations for piano I’ve ever seen)

Excellent basic crochet video series

Basic knitting (probably the best how to knit video out there)

Pre-Free Figure Skate Levels A-D guides and practice activities (each video builds up with exercises to the actual moves!)

How to draw character faces video (very funny, surprisingly instructive?)

Another drawing character faces video

Literally my favorite art pose hack

Tutorial of how to make a whole ass Stardew Valley esque farming game in Gamemaker Studios 2??

Introduction to flying small aircrafts

French/Dutch/Fishtail braiding

Playing the guitar for beginners (well paced and excellent instructor)

Playing the violin for beginners (really good practical tips mixed in)

Color theory in digital art (not of the children’s hospital variety)

Retake classes you hated but now there’s zero stakes:

Calculus 1 (full semester class)

Learn basic statistics (free textbook)

Introduction to college physics (free textbook)

Introduction to accounting (free textbook)

Learn a language:

Ancient Greek

Latin

Spanish

German

Japanese (grammar guide) (for dummies)

French

Russian (pretty good cyrillic guide!)

“Many people seem to think it foolish, even superstitious, to believe that the world could still change for the better. And it is true that in winter it is sometimes so bitingly cold that one is tempted to say, ‘What do I care if there is a summer; its warmth is no help to me now.’ Yes, evil often seems to surpass good. But then, in spite of us, and without our permission, there comes at last an end to the bitter frosts. One morning the wind turns, and there is a thaw. And so I must still have hope.”

— Vincent Van Gogh

I wish it was easier to talk about mobile phone addiction without sounding like a boomer

Why did you open that door

I'm not in love with him

Why can't I stop thinking.

About him, about what could've been, about what we have

I'm not in love with him. We were at 14. But not now.

Until we admitted that we both sometimes winder about what could've been. Whay could've been had we met later in life. What could have been were he not in a relationship now.

Those thoughts were pushed far away, every time. Now they are here. The lingering moments. The split second we hold on closer when we hug.

I broke his heart at 15. We weren't in good places and needed to grow and heal. We couldn't do that together. It took him four and a half years to get over. To stop wishing it were different. And still, he was there for me when we started talking again.

He was the one I texted when I woke up in the hospital. He was the one cheering me on when I made the smallest steps in my recovery. He made me realise what I was missing, in both my last relationships.

Even when I had no intention of being with him.

And now...

I don't know if we would work out. If we would be happy. Yes, it would be easy to fall into. We've known eachother so long. But there are so many conversations we never had. We didn't cross that line. We still haven't.

And we won't.

Because he is in a relationship. And he says he is happy and building a future with her.

If he's truly happy, then I am happy for him

The last thing i want to do is hurt him

And I'm not walking into heartbreak eyes wide open.

Besides, the relationship we do have is so dear to me. I love him as a person.

But I'm not in love with him. And at that I shall lay it to rest

So, dear hypothetical parallel world, take good care of us. He may always be my "what if"

It's October now. And I'm back in the city

I long for the cold early morning. With fog covering the forest. Drinking tea on the porch staring at the bright yellow birch trees.

Swimming, naked, in a swirling mist, in water that's warmer than the air.

Curling up in an armchair with a book and a cup of hot chocolate.

Watching the moon and the stars, wrapped in thick jackets.

Exploring museums in long skirts and shalls.

Smelling the rain, on a cold walk in the forest.

Next October...

Am I chasing ghosts?

The one that I had left behind

Searching every new face

That age old familiarity

That thoughtless bond, older than us

Will I ever find such a ghost again,

Or am I meant to be seeking, this life time

One that will quench the thirst

While calming and enraging the fire inside my bones

As his hand ghosting over my scars

A voice that I may pretend is his

Finally hearing my words from his lips

Or am I forever chasing the wind?

Ghosting hands on my waist

Shuddering like a flower in the breeze

When it hits my neck

Just a breeze stroking desperate flesh

The itching to be back in forests and mountains

2 more months

Hiking is the best way to spend your time, seriously.

My ancestors, watching me dump an entire stick of cinnamon, two cloves, an allspice berry, and a generous grating of nutmeg into my tea, sweetened with white sugar and loaded with cream, while I sit in my clean warm house surrounded by books, 25+ outfits for different occasions, and 6 pairs of shoes, in a building heated so well I have the windows open in mid-autumn:

Our daughter prospers. We are proud of her. She has never labored in a field but knows riches we could not have imagined.