cometsblog

Latest Posts by cometsblog

Oh man. I miss being a creative.

A realization I had while looking for the best Dijon song I can send to my lover at 9 AM in the morning. I played Crybaby on Spotify and it played this looping video on the background where the title is playfully written with crayon, in different styles, changing every millisecond–overlayed on a clip of a kid crying. It looked like something I used to do for fun, something I can do as well and think “Hey! This makes me happy.” Oh man. I want to do creative things. I miss doing creative things. I remember when my job provided me with more capacity for myself, more energy to do the things I like, I used to think back then “Why am I not as creative as before?”. Before as in back in college. But you were still creative, Pat! You made so many collages, illustrations, videos, all the things that I couldn’t do now.  Anywho, I’m getting hungry and my room is looking hella messy after not moving for 5 days (I got them COVID virus). Do I write a lengthy resolution slash promise to myself that I’ll start doing creative things now? Too cheesy. But I’ll try. I want to. After making breakfast, cleaning my room, and getting my crown recemented (got an appointment for 11 AM!) 

October 2, 2022 | Sunday

Today was difficult. I got myself out of bed to walk. I walked for hours, from morning till afternoon. I had no destination in mind, I just walked. I thought of the things going through my head while walking. Why do I feel this way? Why couldn’t I stop when I’m angry? How can I be so inconsiderate? Why do I hurt my loved ones? 2 weeks is a short time but why am I dreading it so much? Why am I overthinking every single thing?  I found the answer. I couldn’t stand being alone with my thoughts for 2 weeks. I started breaking down when I answered myself. When did I start hating myself this much? I feel so small. I feel like a kid who needs to be embraced and held tight again. I want to be embraced. I want my loved ones to tell me “Pat it’s okay. You’re a kid. Your mistakes don’t define you. Love yourself again like how we love you.” I started missing my mom, my sisters. I want to be held tight like a kid. I don’t want any of this, self-resentment. Every day is a mental battle with myself. I’m mentally and emotionally tired. It’s hard holding on. I went to Fully Booked and found “The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down” by Haemin Sunim. It was the book that I didn’t get to buy yesterday since it was out of stock at a different branch. At MOA though, there’s only 1 copy left. I read it a bit and I bought it, even though I know I don’t have enough money for the month.

On the first few it said “Love yourself despite your imperfections. Do you not feel compassion for yourself as you struggle through life? You are so eager to help your friends but you treat yourself so poorly. Stroke your heart once in a while and tell yourself, “I love you.” I think this book is perfect for me. Although everything is easier said than done. I don’t wish to be sad. I do not want to wallow in sadness. I want to live in the present and not the past. Everything is hard. I’m a kid who only knows how to use Adobe programs and choose good colors. Aside from that. I don’t know anything else. I do not have it all figured out at 24. I don’t wish to have it all figured out. I just want to feel content and be myself everyday. With the people I love, with my dog whom I love. Starting today. I’ll look at the mirror and tell myself - “I love you, Pat. I know you’re doing your best.”

I’ve been getting bad headaches a lot recently. Usually, it feels like something sharp is piercing my head, every few hours, every other day. Why am I not getting it checked? The company I’m working at doesn’t give their employees health insurance & a check-up would break my savings. But the biggest reason is (I don’t want to fully admit to myself, that’s why I’m writing this) if I’m sick & if it’s bad, I want to just let it be.  I thought I wouldn’t mind dying early (cue in: I’m here for a good time, not a long time). I never wanted to grow old. I want to accept my fate. and I have nothing to live for anyway. I’ll be leaving no one. No one needs anything from me. It’s annoying though. And scary. Painful & constant headaches are scary. 

I’m having a hard time feeling alright these days.

My life is going okay, alright. I don’t know why I’m feeling too sad too often. I try to be positive, bright to the people around me even though I feel like there has been a rain cloud following me around for way too long now. I hope they appreciate my efforts but I also hope they know how tired I feel every morning I wake up. I have no one to tell how sad I am about who I’ve become, how sad I am sometimes about nothing. I hope someone would care to at least give me a call. 

I can’t stop crying these days. I feel like all I have is my plain old sad self. No one wants to stay with a sad person, Pat. I’m so lonely. I’m so fucking lonely. Do I really deserve to be this sad? I don’t think I’m the worst person out there. I work so hard for myself, my dreams, but nothing is going okay. I just want to disappear. I want to give up on my life.

I’m twenty-three

All my decisions I made myself, but why do I hate my life so much? I hate everything. I hate my job. I hate that I work so hard for something I don’t care about, and work so little on things that I love doing. I hate that I’m hard to love. I hate that I’m wasting my time. I hate the way I look. I hate everything I see in the mirror. I hate that I have to be myself every single day. I hate that I can’t stop chasing the wrong people. I want to die. I don’t have the guts to quit what I’m currently doing. I want to die. Life is so hard.

The night sky gives me comfort

As the darkness hides a lot

The monotonous grey everything—

Buildings

Sidewalks

Bridges

Oppose the beaming moon

Brilliant stars

Blazing streetlights

Yin and yang, as they say

The contrast gives me solace

The night sky gives me comfort

As the darkness hides a lot

My entire being—

My insecurities

My problems

My sadness

That only I and the night share

As it reassures me that I, can—

Keep going

And keep coming back

Every night, I'll be welcome.

These Days I’m Alright: A January 2022 Life Update

Two years into the pandemic, painful to write & say—but here we are. As the title of this entry plainly say, I am alright. I’ve fully adapted to the isolated life & the very few things I miss the most would be seeing my friends & being able to freely go out whenever & wherever.

I miss walking. I realized that I love walking around Metro Manila despite the obstacle-ridden sidewalks or mayhaps non-existent sidewalks.

The golden hour—I love the feeling of the sun gently warming my skin while strolling around in the afternoon, look up & you’ll see forgiving shadows the skyscrapers are bestowing upon each other, reflecting the amber of the sun on its other side. There was a time when I complained so much about the air pollution in Manila—that all I can smell is smoke everywhere I walk, but if I was given a chance to relive those days, I definitely would. I know that I’m romanticizing the past, but everyone would agree that it is better than where we are now.

These days I would look at my window & tell myself that it would be a good day to go out. To just casually walk around with no agenda in mind—but this simple thing is quite hard to do now. It’s crazy to think how life has changed in a snap.

Other than that, I’ve just been working—a whole lot. Reading. Occasionally I draw when I have the energy. Keeping up with friends, I’m so thankful I got to meet them last December. Rinse & repeat.

My plans for this year are still blurry, I have yet to figure out what I want to do, but I do know I want to be a better me.

“I had a wide angle smile in these pictures that you took, It's strange, I forget that's how I looked”

Do you ever think of a time, a moment of your life, when you feel you were the happiest? I do, sometimes. Even though my life is good now, great even, I feel like I stopped feeling true and genuine happiness.

Then was the turning point in my life, even though things were tougher then, I was busier then, I never got enough sleep then, and I had less money then, I was, a hundred percent, sincerely happy. I looked forward to each day and I had hopes for months and even years to come.

Having said that, since the past year or so, I never felt as happy with myself, my life, or anything around me. Even though my life is better now, I never once felt the same way.

Happiness is so hard to come by these days and all I want is to feel happy again, even just in my dreams.

then /T͟Hen/

adverb

1. at that time; at the time in question. "I was happy then"

greetings from quarantine

A silver lining: use quarantine as an opportunity for healing. Yes, I am putting aside all the negative things about the whirlwind of what is happening right now, because: 

1. We all know that

2. This is my personal happy place

3. I’m not giving that microscopic horror a spotlight on my blog

4. But please do cooperate! Stay indoors, take your vitamins, wash your hands/sanitize, and always keep safe!

Since my work is at full halt until the lockdown is lifted, I have been spending most of my time on my hobbies and interests. Perhaps this is what you call a “distraction masterlist”, a distraction from all the crazy that’s been going on, and these are the things and the people that keep me sane and what gives me genuine happiness during these very difficult times.

1. Orenji Project Orenji Project is a brand that I’m currently building. For now, I’ve been doing plenty of passion projects and fanart to increase my audience, but I do plan on turning it into something bigger in the future. (hint: selling my own merch) Even though I work as a Multimedia Designer on my day job, I feel like designing is still my #1 hobby. It’s just what I love to do! I just finished doing a collection of collages and I plan on making a zine next. I’m really excited because I love making visually appealing and aesthetically pleasing layouts. I get to conceptualize, write, and produce it all from start to finish, HELLA FUN!

2. AB6IX (A.K.A. The Best Boys™)

Get yourselves kpop boys who’ll teach you how to make soap and hand sanitizers during a pandemic, haha! Kidding aside, I’m honestly very thankful to them for giving us so much content these days so we won’t be deadass bored while we’re stuck at home. April fools’ pranks, mafia game night, Idol Radio week, and just Youngmin failing to sew a belt for an hour whilst never forgetting to remind their fans to always wear a mask, wash their hands, and stay at home, that’s some high quality content if I do say so myself. ㅋㅋㅋ I love these precious kids to bits and I’m very grateful. Just being their fan gives me so much delight and joyousness. Although they’re helping to flatten the curve, I’m very worried for them since they’re risking their health. 예삐들 잘지내시고 건강하세요! 많이 많이 사랑해요 ♡

3. Korean Language Lessons

While trying not to fall deep into unproductivity and bad habits, I thought why not continue this again? I’ve always been interested in studying languages so I chose to self study Korean/Hangul back in 2017, but I was busy with my last 2 years in college then I had a full-time job so I didn’t have a lot of time for it until now. I still have long ways to go but I’m at Lesson 10 out of 17 a.k.a. learning how to use future, past, and present tenses in sentences. As I type right now, 3 languages are getting scrambled up in my brain; nonetheless, I still love learning! I love studying, memorizing, and taking down notes. I guess that’s a hobby now too since I already graduated from college? Haha. Also, a friend invited me to take Japanese classes with her, so I guess that’s the next agenda after this.

4. Bon Appétit

Bon Appétit, the only Youtube channel ever. Period. I love this channel and I’ve been binge watching their videos since the start of the quarantine. From a recommended “It’s Alive” episode, I fell down on a very deep rabbit hole of culinary videos I never knew I needed in my life. Why didn’t you recommend this to me sooner Youtube algorithm? Google AI overlord? My secret FBI agent? I trusted you guys! I absolutely adore everyone in BA, though my all time favorite chef is Chris. His show, Reverse Engineering, is so fun and satisfying to watch! Plus his small cameos on Gourmet Makes and It’s Alive are way too comical, never fails to make me laugh. The way he always wants his work perfected to a T, I relate to that way too much, and I get little pockets of happiness in my heart when he gets an ingredient right, especially if it’s cheese, haha! Runner-ups:

5. My family and friends, of course.

Actually, this would #1 but I don’t wanna be cheesy like that. Vibin’ with my fams all day and video chatting with my friends at night has been keeping me sane. Always love and appreciate them to bits.

6. KJH PH

Being a somewhat lead designer for a fanbase has been keeping me pretty busy at times. Not to be that pabibo designer, but I even made digital branding guidelines for the fanbase, haha! (note: I’m really that pabibo designer, sorry I couldn’t help it)

7. Last but definitely not the least, Hospital Playlist

GREAT DRAMA. AMAZING CHARACTERS. LOVE IT. ALOHA SOTY. LEE IKJOON LOML. WATCH IT!

To anyone who’s reading this: I hope you’re staying at home and doing well. Please continue to take care of yourself as well as your mental health! When this is all over, please come back to this post and tell me you’re alive and good, alright? 

of dreams and whatnot

Maybe somewhere peaceful and quaint, I thought to myself one hot and humid Thursday afternoon. It was when Gel unexpectedly sent me a picture of her dream apartment, one of those dainty picture-perfect studios with a loft. She always mentioned that she wanted to live somewhere sub-urban, in a tiny flat with heaps of house plants, a plethora of art framed on the walls, and an abundance of yellow accents. I must say though, it all suits her hermit crab-like personality very well ㅎㅎㅎ.

I’ve always had this dream that one day, when I’ve earned enough, I’m going to move to a place far from the city. It could be because I’ve only lived in the Metro all my life, and it’s safe to say that I’m tired of all the hustle, bustle, and the extreme lack of fresh air. [cue in AB6IX: I wanna breathe, just set me free~] Still and all, I’ve always admired the beauty of nature way more than man-made structures anyway, the scenery of the countryside makes me feel a wave of comfort and healing. I greatly enjoy shows that are set in the province too; simple, slow-paced, yet immensely refreshing. It makes me feel a lot calmer, like I can breathe better, you know? 

Thinking of more reasons took me to a time when I was much younger. I realized that I have plenty of delightful memories associated with the scene. My family used to visit our grandma’s house in the province; we would always go once or twice a year and I always had waaaay too much fun. I remember sprinting away from the chickens and ducks in the backyard, picking rice grains at the farm with my cousins, running through the vast open-field, and jealously watch my older cousins lay down in a heaping pile of hay. (my mom wouldn’t let me because she said there might be poisonous snakes and rats, boo no fun!)

Perhaps my numero uno goal is to live each day simply and happily. I’m not really the type of person who wants to attain so much money, power, or hoard material things. Maybe this seems way too idealistic, but I just want to live a quaint life with my family and do the things I love everyday. Do art, see galaxies at night, grow my own produce, have at least 3 dogs, and maybe own a neighborhood cafe too! It all sounds like a great plan. ☺