Minecraft Bedrock Edition Feels Like A Skinwalker Version Of Minecraft. You Know What I Mean? Like It

Disliking something that a large majority of people love is a feeling I can never seem to get past. I will spend hours upon hours trying to understand why on earth I struggle enjoying a piece of media that is so widely loved. "Everyone likes (x) and I don't, so do I just not understand it? Am I too stupid to enjoy this?" is typically my first thought process. This leads to me trying my hardest to get as invested as I can, to really experience that piece of media to a definitively absurd extent.

For example, I have nearly 1,000 hours invested into Terraria and have even 100% the game's achievements (well, before the last update that added a few more). Of course, some of this time is also from much older versions of the game and time obtained through the years since I first started playing during 1.1 on mobile, shortly later getting the PC version on 1.2. Video games were not common for young me to have, so a lot of playtime was likely simply due to it being one of the few games I owned. Even then however, I'd never actually 'beat' the game until a few patches into 1.3. My experience with Terraria has been filled with hours of grinding, attempting bosses MANY times, and a general difficulty to even see what is happening on my screen as everything visually melts together. Not to mention being interrupted by random events, forcing me to stop whatever I'm doing to get involved since who knows when I'll be able to do that event again. The other difficulties available as well, namely Expert, feels downright sadistic forcing me to grind even more to give me even somewhat of a reasonable chance of survival. I could keep going, but I think I've made my point.

Even after all of that, I still feel like I'm simply missing something. Some magical single puzzle piece that'd make everything click into place and make go "Oh! Now I get it! This is amazing!".

From the labyrinthian nightmares of classic Doom (and similar 90s fps) to the surprisingly stressful experience I had with Spirited Away, I can't help but feel like I'm just...broken in a way that prevents me from enjoying things that thousands of other people enjoy. I feel alien.

i wonder if anyone i know will find this account. will they know it's me? i mean, if i leave a link to it like on my discord or something maybe. just depends on if they opt to click on it or not.

if you aren't someone i know and you found this blog, i'm sorry i don't have much to offer you. well, i guess that goes for anyone really. these are just the ramblings of someone losing their mind very slowly.

i'm building up disorders like uh, pokemon. yeah. got autism, probably some form of ptsd, and recently got diagnosed with some form of dissociative disorder thing. probably other stuff i don't remember. i don't think of writing that stuff down. it's been a bit since our last meeting i can't remember the specifics, really. just the big things.

i've been making vague progress in therapy. very vague. but hey figuring out what's wrong with me is the whole point, even if it makes the list of problems longer and we're nowhere close to making my whole "existence" situation better. still progress. take what you can get.

not only that, but i'm still here. somehow. gotta be honest, i'm impressed by that. thought i wouldn't even make it to 2020 let alone 2024, and hell we're nearing 2025 as i write this. i'll be 23 next year.

i'm not makin it to 30 though let's be realistic here.

then again, it's 12:32AM maybe it's just doom posting hours idk.

i will say, i'd like to open up my little mental bunker. let all that repressed emotion out. let the insanity consume me. see what happens. could be fun.

well, maybe not ALL the insanity. i'm a bit tired of constantly imagining false conversations and interactions with people i know to keep myself from feeling so alone on a daily basis. i could do without that.

combine that with my oddly realistic dreams and you got a person with a VERY fucked up memory.

what is the most 'nothing' you can be? human is too much, animal is still something, a robot would be neat, but those are manmade and would be bound to have issues of their own.

i guess there's ghosts, but who knows how that works. it'd be nice if you could just endlessly wander like a spectator mode for life. just observe everything.

although, you might get bored of that eventually.

i have made the realization that i occasionally forget to breathe

not in a "take deep breaths to calm down" kind of way. more in a general sense.

lost my pfp a while ago (like a couple months i think?). not sure why or when exactly it happened. still weird. i haven't opted to replace it because i don't really have anything good to replace it with atm.

man playing some tf2 someone was really toxic. i ended being a little toxic back and felt horrible. like, i wasn't nearly to the same degree as them, but still. i normally barely say anything.

i'd report them but it'd feel a bit hypocritical since i was kinda mean back. i got possessed by the mean gamer for a couple sentences back there.

i don't understand how i do this. i fuck up everything. i'm too weak and useless to be useful to anyone and i fucking burn everything i touch.

i've been stuck in a pit of depression for years upon years, and so many people have tried to help me. i don't remember the last time i felt happy and safe and like my life meant something. it never did. my life still means nothing.

if i've been like this for so long, and medication and the help of others can't help, then what's the point? why am i still here? there's no point to living anymore, and there never was for me.

if i am kept alive i'll continue going scorched earth on everything i touch and more people will get hurt.

i'm not worth saving.

i am actively avoiding things i like and going back to things i don't.

why

hopefully i can sleep tonight.

last night i kept waking up like, every 15-30 minutes. to be quite honest, i'm not sure if i ever did go to sleep in the first place. not seeing anything for a period of time could just mean my eyes were closed.

i do think however i did dream a couple of times...i think? maybe?

i just want to sleep and feel well rested for once. nothing seems to help.

i fucking hate sonic.exe and any sort of creepypasta that takes some form of kid's media and royally fucks it up in a similar way.

i saw sonic.exe and the tails doll shit when i was little and that shit scared me so bad i didn't play a sonic game for a couple of years. even just looking at the normal versions of the characters spurred those memories of the stupid fucking creepypastas in my head.