I Wish I’d Learned To Struggle Properly Earlier In My Education. I’d Always Understood Everything

Happy New Year!

Hi guys! I’m so happy I’m bringing you all along into 2019 with me!

This post is mainly to sum up what I feel I have achieved in 2018, because I think it’s so important to take a minute and appreciate how far you’ve come towards meeting your goals. I’m also going to chat about 2019, just because. But before I do, I want to wish you all the best for this year. Work hard but look after yourself - you owe it to yourself to be healthy :)

So this time last year I was officially diagnosed with depression and generalised anxiety disorder. I did not leave the house at weekends or in the holidays. I avoided all contact with people. I was miserable and apathetic 24/7 and I just wanted to sleep or cry. I was too anxious to even go into a shop alone, let alone even think about applying to universities or plan trips abroad without an older member of the family. In fact, had I not been terrified of leaving the house alone, I would not be here to see 2019.

However, a very very good teacher of mine was my shoulder to cry on, and she encouraged me to finally get a GP’s help after years of struggling alone in denial. 2018 was my year of recovery.

I still have depressive episodes. I am still anxious. But on the whole, I am human again and I am okay. Fragile still, but able to see the good in situations and not panic when I can’t. The chains that restrained my ankles are free, so I can put my best foot forward at long last.

As part of my recovery, I put myself out there. I visited universities from Birmingham to London, and I stayed with a host family for a week in Nantes. I was fortunate enough to be given a place on the Sutton Trust Summer School at Cambridge, where I met so many amazing people. I got closer to people I’ve known for years, too, because I know the time I have to see them every day is limited and fast running out. Although difficult at first because I do not respond well to change and time pressure, I know that this is the life I want.

This year is going to be my most tumultuous and scary yet. In 2 weeks, I fly to Berlin with my best friend, just me and her for my birthday. I am responsible for the budget (oh Lord) and looking after us. On said birthday, I will find out whether Cambridge accepted or rejected me. In the summer, I will sit my A Levels and find out if I achieved my goal - and I will leave the school I love so dearly forever. In the autumn, I will be settling into a new city as a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed fresher at whichever uni I choose, ready to embark on my chemistry degree. And I will have to leave behind so many people, which kills me inside.

But I know that the people who are supposed to stay in my life absolutely will. And alongside all the nerves and the sadness, I am optimistic that I will meet so many amazing humans at uni and beyond. I have been waiting for the chance to spread my wings and become a strong, independent woman for myself, and this year is when I’ll get to do it.

There is only one thing I do know for certain: my life at the end of this year will look incredibly different to how it is now.

Bring it on!

13/01/19 - Flying to Berlin

So this trip is an important one for me as someone with major anxiety when travelling. When I got on this plane I was 17 years and 364 days old, it was my first time without family or school and I had only my best friend to keep me company. I planned this and paid for it all myself.

Today it is the 14th January and I am 18 years old today. We have today to explore the city and do whatever we want. I’m going to make this fantastic.

Yes I am anxious, especially about trains because they scared me yesterday. But I know if we stay in well-populated areas and exercise common sense we will be just fine.

27/11/18 - 1/12/18 - 78-82 days of productivity

Hi all! So November just decided to defy the laws of time by not existing haha

Time to get festive!

But first I have my Cambridge interviews on Tuesday 4/12/18 and then the week after I have mocks. So lots of revision up ahead, on which I have already made a start over this week as you can see.

Sorry for my absence this week - been busy having a breakdown over how incompetent my school is at organising things. However, I’m okay now!

Maths is beautiful. Have a great day :)

Trigonometry.

Results are in

I got an A* in French and an A in everything else... 4 marks off in German and I am beyond annoyed but I am so happy with my results, even though they weren’t the 5A*s I was predicted. Nobody in my year group at school got more than 1 A* so it was tough

Congratulations to all 2019 candidates - we did it!

Self-care is not always pretty.

Self care is not all about masks, drinking chamomile tea and taking bubble baths.

It is also about doing the things you need to do. Like getting groceries, not buying that tub of cookie dough because you know you’d feel sick later. Cleaning your desk filled with tissues and vacuuming your room filled with crumbs and dirt. Providing yourself with a clean environment to pick your motivation and drive up again. Doing that assignment earlier on because you’d thank yourself later for not having to procrastinate till the last minute and stay up with cans of red bull. Eating healthily because caring for your body is important when you’re not indulging yourself in junk food. Maintaining conversations and relationships with friends and family even when you don’t feel like it, to not regret mistakes and spontaneously cut people off.

These are all acts of self care, not pretty, but necessary for you to continue to push forward.

It’s a low-key kind of day

23/09/18 - 12/100 days of productivity

« Aujourd’hui Lauren est morte. Ou c’était peut-être hier, je ne sais pas »

- Camus, L’étranger... also how I feel right now. Dead.

I have contracted the illness that was making the rounds at school... symptoms started today (or perhaps it was yesterday 😉). I’m one of the last people to get it. I fought so hard 😭

So yeah, studying with a raging cold. Possible? Doesn’t feel like it. Nevertheless, I’m reading my the latest French book my lovely teacher brought back from France for me and I’m going to do some maths on my whiteboard and then revise my AS French notes for speaking practice tomorrow. And I might do some German quizlets too.

Time to make my three millionth cup of tea and plug my nose with a mountain of tissues folks. And hope that I don’t sneeze so hard I bite my tongue off :)

02/09/18 - Preparing for Year 13 with a practice German essay!

14/08/19 22:11

Less than 11 hours until I get my results! My plan is to wake up at 7am... except this plan is inherently flawed because it follows the (false) assumption that I will sleep at all.

I’m so stressed even though I shouldn’t be but I am because in this moment it’s a big deal even though it’s not really and oh my god why am I like this