8/2/19 Chemistry :D

Happy New Year!

Hi guys! I’m so happy I’m bringing you all along into 2019 with me!

This post is mainly to sum up what I feel I have achieved in 2018, because I think it’s so important to take a minute and appreciate how far you’ve come towards meeting your goals. I’m also going to chat about 2019, just because. But before I do, I want to wish you all the best for this year. Work hard but look after yourself - you owe it to yourself to be healthy :)

So this time last year I was officially diagnosed with depression and generalised anxiety disorder. I did not leave the house at weekends or in the holidays. I avoided all contact with people. I was miserable and apathetic 24/7 and I just wanted to sleep or cry. I was too anxious to even go into a shop alone, let alone even think about applying to universities or plan trips abroad without an older member of the family. In fact, had I not been terrified of leaving the house alone, I would not be here to see 2019.

However, a very very good teacher of mine was my shoulder to cry on, and she encouraged me to finally get a GP’s help after years of struggling alone in denial. 2018 was my year of recovery.

I still have depressive episodes. I am still anxious. But on the whole, I am human again and I am okay. Fragile still, but able to see the good in situations and not panic when I can’t. The chains that restrained my ankles are free, so I can put my best foot forward at long last.

As part of my recovery, I put myself out there. I visited universities from Birmingham to London, and I stayed with a host family for a week in Nantes. I was fortunate enough to be given a place on the Sutton Trust Summer School at Cambridge, where I met so many amazing people. I got closer to people I’ve known for years, too, because I know the time I have to see them every day is limited and fast running out. Although difficult at first because I do not respond well to change and time pressure, I know that this is the life I want.

This year is going to be my most tumultuous and scary yet. In 2 weeks, I fly to Berlin with my best friend, just me and her for my birthday. I am responsible for the budget (oh Lord) and looking after us. On said birthday, I will find out whether Cambridge accepted or rejected me. In the summer, I will sit my A Levels and find out if I achieved my goal - and I will leave the school I love so dearly forever. In the autumn, I will be settling into a new city as a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed fresher at whichever uni I choose, ready to embark on my chemistry degree. And I will have to leave behind so many people, which kills me inside.

But I know that the people who are supposed to stay in my life absolutely will. And alongside all the nerves and the sadness, I am optimistic that I will meet so many amazing humans at uni and beyond. I have been waiting for the chance to spread my wings and become a strong, independent woman for myself, and this year is when I’ll get to do it.

There is only one thing I do know for certain: my life at the end of this year will look incredibly different to how it is now.

Bring it on!

Cambridge NatSci Admissions Test 2018

Oh dear Lord I’ve never felt so inadequate.

I didn’t realise the second paper was a calculator paper and was given a really crappy 50p one by school, which slowed me down.

I lost so many marks on being genuinely dumb. I just blanked.

I didn’t get break time today so I was sat on my own in a room (with an invigilator obvs) for two hours hungry, stressed and with a massive headache.

It was so much harder than the practice papers I did.

I’m sorry for the rant - I just need to get my feelings out so I can focus on thinking positively and put it behind me.

Anybody who sat it - good luck to you, fellow soldier. I wish you all the success in the world.

07/01/19 - 1/100 days of productivity

Thank you for 2000 followers! I love you all!

First day back at sixth form and first day of a new productivity challenge! I will honestly try to suck less at posting every day this time hehe

Because I have 4 free hours on a Monday before my first out of two lessons at 2pm, I got a lot done. I started out with some maths, but then my computer logged me off my digital books and it wouldn’t load again, so I ended up writing up some biology notes and then doing some chemistry - that’s what you can see here :)

Although I am full of cold, it has been a good day all round! I found out I got an A* in my bio mock when I thought I actually flunked that test so hard.

Damn 😳

Sometimes you're just an introverted loser who sits alone in your room with a cup of tea and a book, has fantasies about morally grey fictional characters, is severely touch starved with a completely fucked up sleep schedule and slowly declining mental health.

These diagrams make me happy

{ 11-1-17 } 60/100 days of productivity

transcription & translation stuffz 🛁

no matter how good things seemed to be going, you will feel sad or even numb again. it doesn’t cancel out the good things. the good things and good days will always be real, and there are more days like that to come.

07/02/2020

Organic chemistry is addictive torture

More kidney notes before I leave for summer school at the University of Cambridge!

Upgrades, people, upgrades!

Happy 2021! (It’s finally snowing where I live - yay!)

I managed to condense 11 weeks of phys chem into 2 sides of A4 (plus a separate list of equations) in preparation for open book exams.

I’m not sure I like open-book exams. On the one hand, it takes a lot of memorisation pressure off; on the other hand, I have a tendency to over-rely on notes and almost cheat myself out of actually internalising the material. What do you think?

I have learnt from my mistakes in the past and decided to make prompt sheets from memory based on past papers. I then combed over my notes and filled in the gaps, writing down anything important that I couldn’t recall.

04/09/18 Biology notes! I’ve not made any in a while and thought I should be productive. I actually got up early for once because my little brother started Year 3 today and I wanted to go with him to drop him off. I don’t go back until the 10th so I’ve got some time on my hands!

Also “High Hopes” by P!ATD is the best thing ever :)