Got A Bike During Covid. Couldnt Ride With No Hands. Now I Can. I Am 43.

USAmericans, currently

FRIEND: "We're at risk of slipping into fascism."

ME: "Oh, honey . . . when they are arresting judges and mayors, we've already slipped."

Oh, you don’t know about lobster hell?

Obama and his stolen sand

When you go to bed and forget to feed the cat

?????

*lights pipe, leans back into rocking chair*

You youngsters don’t remember a time when the onion was printed and offered free of charge in sidewalk kiosks. Those were the good ‘ol days. When you could feel the joke between your fingers. When you could roll up the joke into a little horn and go toot into your friends ear. We lived like barbarians, and by gum, we loved it.

*Puffs pipe. Sets self on fire*

Getting a print version of the Onion is a decision I'll never regret

Every one of the 12 "ads" in this version is insulting Musk

Got a weird strawberry in the pack

Whatcha up to?

Making art

lisa brice, "untitled," 2023-2024, oil on trace

Precision.

It’s easy to ignore information I don’t need. Near impossible to manifest information I don’t have.

European recipes make me feel like Walter white

American recipes: [3 page story about how their mamaw used to make this for them during the depression] so you’re gonna smack a stick of butter in there and then put a cup or two of flour until you feel like it’s dry enough. Be generous with the sugar. You’ll know when. Get a healthy amount of molasses and an egg in there and then mix up with your hands until it’s nice and crumbly. If you’re feeling fruity you can add vanilla extract here if you’re tough like they are where I come from cornmeal will do. Add water to taste and texture. If you’ve struck big it can be milk. Put in cast iron skillet blow it a kiss and bake until golden brown. Let cool until you get tired of smacking a bunch of little hands away from having a taste.

European recipe for essentially the same thing: You. Worm. Get out your little scale. You need 147 grams of flour. no more no less. 133 milliliters of fresh milk. 27 grams of white granulated sugar. If an extra granule ends up in the mixing bowl someone from Brussels will be by to administer the proper regulatory fee in 48 hours. Whisk together for 139 seconds exactly and titrate 3ml extrait de vanille into the bowl using an eye dropper before baking at 231 Celsius for 26 minutes. If you deviate from this in any way the food will be inedible and your fine will double. 

Until the end of the world, Al Mefer

The 40’s gangster films have tons of great classics:

- pushing up daisies

- ventilated

- taking a trip to the bone yard

I personally like technical sounding language

Things you can stay instead of "k1lled", "murked" or "unalived":

involuntarily converted to room temperature

cancelled on a corporeal level

successfully transitioned into fertiliser

rendered permanently horizontal

sent to investigate the potential existence of an afterlife