You Run A Café On The Edge Of Life And Death. Souls Who Have Been Departed From Their Bodies Temporarily,

BUT imagine some Mexican cartels focused on capturing wildlife on planets around, let's say, Alpha Centauri.

JUST imagine the discussion about such a mission.

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Boss: Hey, you know, these creatures are kind of popular, what do you think about smuggling them? One would go for like half a million.

Advisor (or sb who is at least mildly respected in the organization's structures): Sounds like a good business. Where are they based?

Boss: You know Alpha Centauri?

Advisor: Like the star, Alpha Centauri?

Boss: Exactly that one. So, somewhere around that.

Advisor: what

Advisor: ...Are they willing to pay for the shipping cost?

Humans really like space wildlife

As Humanity integrates itself within the Galactic Coalition ever further, trade and travel between Sol and neighboring member systems is growing at exponential rates. In particular, their interest in the native wildlife of other planets is the most widely expanding sector for tourism and commerce.

Even though it is also the most heavily regulated and restricted one, Humans, who typically display a desire to subvert the normal procedures to expedite any process they can, for this they are surprisingly willing and eager to fill in all the necessary paperwork and spend hours upon days making sure they follow and adhere to all the requirements to import some of these creatures.

While such level of determination is not uncommon for new member species who discover a certain non-native creature or something that to the respective natives is commonplace but for them is the pinnacle of exotic, the variety of requests made by Humans is nearly as great as the entire list of known fauna species. And the reasons listed on the forms are even more diverse:

"That's a unicorn! I've always dreamed of having a unicorn and you're telling me there's a dozen subspecies?! Yes, please!!!"

"After reviewing their behavior, this bear-sized fluff-ball is the perfect cat I've always wanted, but couldn't because of allergies. I'll treat them with love and care, my life is incomplete without this fella."

"Tiny. Elephant-duck. Want."

"Our company was looking for a mascot, and these six-legged spindly beaver-crabs are perfect. Here's our mission statement and prepared accommodations for a flock."

"They all said I hallucinated the lizard sasquatch when I was on that acid trip, but now I'll show 'em. It's real. I knew it all along!"

"Aww, these baby puppies are so adorable (referring to the four meter, 800kg Fanged Widowmaker of Abyss Valley predator). My kids were looking through your alien picture books and instantly fell in love with these ones."

And so on. At first we had to reject quite a few, mainly because half of them were deadly beasts from Deathworlds that are almost impossible to capture in the first place. Then the Human officials informed us that, while they will try to stop it from happening, if we don't make importing and adopting even the most dangerous animals in the known Galaxy reasonably possible for them with Human help and expertise in the field, some Humans will set up illegal smuggling rings to "fill the market gap" as they said. Historically, they explained, that causes more problems and expenses than just handling it through official channels.

Reluctantly we were persuaded and have set up a new organization to quell this, apparently, unquenchable Human pack bonding condition. Even if said pet can kill them. We think, as horrible as it may be, that for some that is part of the appeal. Even the ones that breathe out literal poison.

"We'll wear a mask around them. This wendigo-like one is too cute to not get belly rubs."

Said the OFFICIAL Human Representative of a monstrosity that can only be described as the living incarnation of countless teeth, fangs, claws, vivid seizure inducing iridescent feathers, and a body that extends from a inconspicuous ambush pose to a fully 8 meter tall six limbed nightmare machine of Death!

True rolemodel

Bilbo 'Not Like Other Hobbits' Baggins

Yaaaay! Let them see the Russian girls taught by Tutberitze ;)))

Imagine aliens being introduced to ice skating.

"Welcome everyone to the 94323th annual Talent Show! We have contestants from species from all across the galaxy showing off their amazing talents! For our first contestant, we have Kalk, a human from Earth, the first human to be our contestant!"

"Yes, Zill, unfortunately Kalk could not show off their talent live on stage, and instead sent us a video. We did send a witness to verify and record their performance so it wasn't faked. Our witness did tell us before the show that we really needed to see this."

"We are starting the video. There's Kalk outside on a frozen lake. Their giving us a bow which is a customary human greeting, and—are we sure this isn't faked? There's no way they could move across ice like that."

"I think they can, hold up they just lifted a leg—ARE THOSE BLADES ON THEIR FEET????"

"That must explain how they're moving like that. Kalk is turning around very sharply and dancing on the ice, which is very impressive and very terrifying. Our witness do not mention if Kalk was injured, so I don't think they're going to fall in the water—okay how are they balancing on one leg like that for so long??"

"Humans have been known as daredevils to use their term, but I've never seen something like this and KALK JUMPED AND SPUN IN MIDAIR! To use a human turn of phase, what the fuck??"

"I completely agree, and Kalk seemed to be about to do another jump... and it was a perfect landing! I've never been so terrified that a contestant may hurt themselves, but this is amazing!"

"And Kalk started to spin on the ice, very very fast, and I'm worried their blades will crack the ice underneath them... and they're moved away from that spot thank goodness."

"And they're about to do another jump and... they land on one foot! That appears to be the end of the performance! Kalk gives a bow... and that's it! Well, what did you think of that Zill?"

"I thought it was terrifying but spectacular. Our other contestants have to really step it up if they want to surpass Kalk."

One aspect of the House of Feanor I’d like to talk about is the idea that they all really love children. Like Feanor has seven sons more than any other elf we’ve ever heard mentioned. You’re telling me this guy doesn’t really love kids? So I like to believe that all the Feanorians are all inherently great with kids and just melt every time they see a child.

Feanor hates his half brothers for the whole Indis thing but he’s the only one who gets away with hating them. Anyone else tries it and they are hit with the full force of an angry Feanor. Yes he hates them but he will also be tutoring them because how else will he make sure it’s done right and they won’t disgrace Atar? And no he was not just bouncing Arafinwe on his lap what are you talking about?

Curufin is an excellent father which he inherited from his own father. Tyelpe also has six uncles who never tire of spending hours playing with him. They all fight for the title of best uncle and Tyelko very firmly believes it is him.

At family gatherings it is understood that no matter your reservations about Feanor’s side of the family if there is an upset child a Feanorian will know how to deal with it. Feanor himself will rarely object to being handed a crying baby regardless of it’s parentage. Maedhros has been the assigned babysitter for what feels like an eternity and his abilities are regarded as near magic.

This does not go away once they get to Middle Earth. The Feanorians all go to great lengths to provide adequate parental leave in their armies and frequently stop round to check in with any new parents to meet the child. They know all the names of most of their followers children and ask about them regularly.

One of the first things that endeared Caranthir to Haleth was how kind he was with some of her younger relatives. The children of the Haladin all love him because he plays with them sometimes and brings them little sweets. His good with children instincts are activated with any child regardless of race and it helps him build relations with other races more easily.

When Maglor brings Elrond and Elros back Maedhros is a lost cause within a month. He knows this s unhealthy on so many levels but children. They’re so innocent and tiny and he’s going to protect them. They are both referring to them as their children within a week.

Elrond inherits this. Erestor and Glorfindel see his adoption problem and immediately think oh shit our lord is definitely a Feanorian.

I swear to Eru, bitch, if you stole our fucking jewel

Sorry, but I can't imagine Legolas purposefully drinking. And even then, I bet he would run away from Gimli chasing him with proper vodka.

Thranduil, I am afraid your lessons were useless.

Thranduil, to legolas: When you turn 50, people are going to tell you to buy alcohol and drugs because you can.

Thranduil: But no. You know what else is legal at 50? Blades. Get yourself a sword. A big knife is also okay.

Thranduil: Also, don’t wait until you’re 50 to drink. Those laws are more like... guidelines!

Humans are symbiotes

When we met humans we were naïve enough to assume they were like us. We thought each of them was a single entity until our ships systems completed their routine scans.

Of course we offered to rid them of the parasites they carried, it was politeness or so we thought. It took some careful explaining, we expected they would be horrified by the realisation there were microscopic creatures living within them. Instead they were horrified at the thought of losing them.

Humans are each a chorum. Do not be fooled by their use of the singular, the body you see is a vehicle carrying a population of billions.

All the bacteria and viruses we worked so hard to eradicate, humans instead invited in and made a part of them. The relationship is so profound they will deliberately cultivate and ingest the species they prefer to have inside them, and their digestion of food (another horror with their definition of food including a lengthy list of poisons) relies on of having the right population mix.

They create and alter viruses at whim to do many chores, and easily tolerate micro-organisms deadly to us.

They are each a walking army, deadly in the most terrifying way imaginable.

How do I know this?

We thought our systems isolated everything, we thought we were safe and their protective suits were sterilised. Somehow, we missed it. One of the suits had clinging to it a tiny virus colony.

When the Captain realised what was happening they closed every airlock and isolated each section to halt the spread. I got stuck on the lower storage deck for almost two cycles.

The humans did all they could to reassure me from a distance, sharing their knowledge to cleanse the ship for the rescue party. They knew they could not come in, but they would speak to me, make sure I knew what was happening and that they had called for rescue on my behalf, and how long it would be until I could be released.

They were mortified by the actions of one of the feral viruses they consider little more than an irritating pest.

I think they were sad to realise they can never safely interact with us or fully join our union. They can watch from a distance, but never walk on our worlds or share our ships. For a symbiotic ensemble that isolation must be painful even knowing it is vital for life.

I am one of the only members of the union to have met humans in person.

I alone survived the plague the humans later identified as ‘the common cold’.

I think a side effect of de-aging Thorin in the movies and still presenting Fíli and Kíli as his definitive heirs is making him gay-coded. In the book, he's the oldest in the Company and it's too late for him to have children, but in the Jackson movies, he's perfectly young enough to get married and have an heir after he reclaims Erebor (as kings do), but nobody expects him to and everybody considers Fíli as the next king without a doubt for...reasons?

They made him look like the gay uncle is all I'm saying.

The prophecy says Aragorn shall be defeated with tax law. Thank Eru Gondor doesn't have corporations and Middle Earth doesn't have tax havens.

The three hunters: understanding of royal precedings and paperwork:

Gimli: has the most knowledge of the three, learned at his father’s knee, not as knowledgeable as to what’s important in a human or elf kingdom, but knows more than the other 2 still.

Legolas: has a vague understanding of court etiquette bc he had guarded his father the few times he went out. The silvans don’t have a royal family, and ‘king’ is just the closest synonym in commons as a translation of what thranduil is, so Legolas is not actually trained to handle diplomacy. Knows enough to get by and that’s about it.

Aragorn: learned he was in line for the throne and promptly fucked off into the woods, spent more times around woodland creatures than actual humans. Good leader, great motivational speech. He should not be left alone with any paperwork, he will cry.