I Die On MY Terms. NOT YOURS GOD.

Wh

What?

OH MY GOD??? BELOVED NIGHTMARES UPON ME??? I AM GOING TO USE THIS TO MAKE MY DND PLAYERS CRY???

This is the wrong season to be talking about it, but literally no adaptation of Christmas Carol will ever top this one stage adaptation I saw in 2018, and it’s 100% because of the first scene of the play

Almost every Christmas Carol starts with the same scene: Christmas Eve, the day before Scrooge is visited by the three ghosts. This is the same scene that the rest of the audience - including myself - is expecting to see

The house lights go out. The stage is dark

A boy is singing: “God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay…”

The sound of wind whistles through the dark of the theater.

“Remember Christ our savior was born on Christmas day, to save us all from Satan’s power…”

The boy pauses. The wind picks up. Somewhere in the audience, a child sounds upset

“…When we had gone astray. Oh tidings…”

The boy’s voice fades away. The wind howls

A church bell rings

The stage lights come on. Fog is floating across the stage. A deacon, two gentlemen, and Scrooge stand in the fog like islands in a sea

Between them is a coffin

The wind howls. It makes the word, “Ebenezer,” in a voice that shakes the floor

The deacon says: “Forasmuch as it hath pleased Almighty God to take unto himself the soul of our departed Jacob Marley…”

“Ebenezer,” says the wind

Scrooge whips around at the sound. Fog coils around his feet

Nobody else on stage hears his name

“…We therefore commit his body to the ground; earth to earth-”

“Earth,” says the wind

“-ashes to ashes-”

“Ashes,” says the wind

“-and dust to dust”

“Dust” says the wind

“In the certain hope of eternal life through our Lord Christ; who shall change-”

“Change” says the wind

“-our vile body-”

“Change” says the wind

“-that it may be like unto His glorious body-”

“Change” says the wind

A church bell rings. Children are crying in the audience

One by one, the parishioners exit the stage. Scrooge is left alone with the coffin

He says a few words - laughs at his mishearing voices on the wind - and turns to leave

A church bell rings

Scrooge pauses - and turns to look at the coffin

Lights flash. The coffin lid slams open, and the ghost of Jacob Marley, horrible, pale, and screeching, leaps out of the coffin, hands reaching out to Scrooge and howling - 

“SAVE YOURSELF!”

Lights flash and the stage goes dark. Children are screaming. Parents are screaming. I’m screaming

The rest of the production was gorgeous, but I still maintain that the first scene was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen attached to any adaptation of Christmas Carol

I need to learn to account for the buoyancy of grapes.

you wanna end my reign of terror so bad it makes you look stupid

How to play an accordion:

-play piano.

-turn it 90°.

-never look at your fingers again.

-don't forget to do the squeeze.

No one likes my posts but I still think I am so funny

Twinker bell. full stop.

God gave me a brain so I could have thoughts like “what’s the masculine version of tinker bell? Oh, yes, Tonker Bell”

I was going to say something but i don't think anything can top that

list of sentences that convinced people to jump into an aqueduct

There used to be a butcher shop a five minute walk up the street from my house. To communicate how important that is, there is nothing else five minutes from my house.

There is nothing for at least fifteen minutes from my house.

If that butcher shop was still there I could walk up the street and buy a sausage and it would take me five minutes.

But it isn't, so I can't.

Why am I alive at this point, if I can't even walk five minutes and get a sausage.