So Much Time Has Passed And There Is Still This Emptiness In Both My Soul And Life Where You Used To

No rush, there’s plenty of time, but when you’re ready. I’d truly like to HEAR how you’re doing and how you’ve been.

Pls tell me about your day, I care. You are not a burden, and I want to hear about it❤️

This could not be more true. Once you’re left with only doubt and questions, at some point even the worst thoughts seem plausible as you fall victim to the echoing nightmares of your own insecurities and the memory of everything they bragged about doing to their ex’s or threatened you with “just to play around”. You still care and try to resist, but in the silence, everything you are afraid of finds a hold and starts slowly clawing its way past the things you’ve told yourself to quiet those nightmares.

That was short lived, but went about as expected, but I had to at least try one last time. Goodbye Father, I wish you had the ability or want to understand just how deeply what you’ve done for my entire life has affected me, but I will no longer dwell in that place, nor will you have access to or claim to my life or success. I will not continue the cycle like you have chosen to. I know that you will never read this, so please don’t mistakenly think that this is for you, it is simply me marking the place where a stone has been laid as I carve out my path in this journey.

Li Qingzhao, tr. by Jiaosheng Wang, from Complete Poems; "Tune: The Pertridge Sky,"

First on the agenda, order the roofing supplies and paint for the exterior. Already have the new flooring, now just to figure out what colors I want to paint the interior and exterior walls and trim. It’s kinda weird making all the decisions and not having to answer to anyone, but I can’t wait to see the end results.

“It’s easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams… that is being naked.”

— Rob Bell