Art Is Not My Friend Right Now

Journal Page #2

Joan of Arc rant

Im so obsessed w her I’m ill

Jennifer Jareau the woman you are

Off to sleep

When I close my eyes to look for sleep’s touch, I think of you.

I think of how our fingertips brushed

How much it meant to me, how little it meant to you. 

I hear your breath laughing in my ear at some joke I didn’t say,

but I wish I did. 

I remember all of the time we spend together,

even if you don’t. 

I can still see all of the little notes you left on my desk

which I wish I kept not just in my heart, but in my hand as well. 

It is all so comforting, as I drift away.  

Just to know you are in my life. 

Even if you are not mine. 

At the moment

Dried mascara stains

Little marks on my legs, arms, and shoulders.

Numbers on the scale. 

Numbers on my plate.

Tears in my eyes

Lists

So many lists

Things to do 

Things to write

Words to say

Words that will never be spoken

People to talk to. 

People to avoid. 

Breathe in 

Breathe out

Hold it in. 

Suck it in. 

Suck it up. 

Walking on eggshells

It’s all so dirty. 

Clothes on the floor. 

Papers on my wall. 

God can’t be found here. 

Scrubbing my skin until I am raw all over

Ice cold showers. 

Grades are dropping. 

They are all leaving. 

I can’t breathe. 

I can’t do it. 

Is this who I have become?

stupid

After all this time, I am still stuck.

I am still listening to your stupid playlist 

with your stupid songs

that only remind me of how stupid i was.

I can’t really remember why I used to think that caring for you was smart.

Was it because you were?

You answered every question,

but you couldn't describe why you wanted me.

Because you never did.  

maybe i should just stop talking. i want all of my secrets back.

“my hair journey” what journey did you go on. “journey.” that’s no journey. you had shoulder length hair and you grew it out. the word you want is progression. do not bring frodo and odysseus into this discussion.

Jackie Sabbagh, “Having a Great Time Being Transgender in America Lately”

The Conflict of Guinevere

i am she. nail biter. skin picker. pube plucker. lip biter. eye crust flicker. knuckle cracker. eyelash puller. leg bouncer.