Demisexuality Can Be So Hard To Explain Because It’s Misconstrued As You Just Wanting To Trust The

demisexuality can be so hard to explain because it’s misconstrued as you just wanting to trust the other person before you have sex with them. and I get why the misconception happens. But demisexuality differs in that there isn’t sexual attraction at all before that bond forms.

I think what people have difficulty with is the idea that there are people out there who aren’t experiencing sexual attraction at all until a certain point, if ever, because we’re taught that sex, libido, and sexual attraction are all the same, both in and out of queer spaces.

And when you’re learning about asexuality and demisexuality, you may learn that people have romantic and aesthetic attraction separately from sexual attraction, and that sexual and romantic attraction aren’t necessarily intertwined, and that may challenge your worldview on sex.

But “I trust you enough to have sex with you” isn’t the same as “I’m not sexually attracted to anyone but you, and the reason I’m sexually attracted to you now after we’ve established this close bond is literally because of the bond of trust we’ve been able to form”.

It’s easy to see how those can get conflated. On the surface, if you’re unfamiliar with asexuality, they may sound the same. But it’s important to acknowledge the difference between “no sex until I trust you” and “no sexual attraction unless I trust you and maybe not even then”.

Demisexuality is housed under the asexuality spectrum. It’s part of the gray area between being allosexual and asexual. It’s part of why the definition for asexuality includes “little to no sexual attraction”. It’s a mostly asexual experience with an asterisk.

While being demisexual may have impacts on a persons sexual activity, even demisexuals have a varied relationship to the act of participating in sex. Libido and sexual attraction are not always intertwined either, which can make telling the difference tricky.

I think of sexual attraction as libido that has a compass. Since I rarely ever experience sexual attraction, but do have libido, it’s noticeable for me when that libido actually has a direction to go, rather than being a floating, nebulous, independent thing.

Remember, not everyone is demisexual. There’s a difference between waiting to have sex and not having sexual attraction at all until a certain point. This also inherently ties demisexuality to romantic attraction and relationships, and not all demisexuals are alloromantic.

But if you read what demisexuality is and think “everyone is like that” or “that’s just being a woman”, you either 1) are demisexual 2) don’t understand what it is or 3) both. And it’s okay to not know. Just as long as you’re willing to try to learn.

More Posts from Born-of-star-flesh and Others

4 months ago
Flamboyant

flamboyant

3 months ago

really not sure when it happened or why but personally I'm pissed that the queer community at large seems to have given up ground on the "people with penises/vulvas/testes/ovaries" language to sex & gender essentialists in exchange for the much less precise, much more demeaning "AGAB" language.

is it because you're scared of the word vulva? of acknowledging out loud that some people have penises? of recognising that many many people, including but certainly not limited to trans people, have mixed sex characteristics that cannot be accurately summarised by "afab/amab" as shorthand for "female/male"?

"in [GENITAL RELATED] situation AFABs will need to do X and AMABs will need to do Y" there are "afabs" with penises and "amabs" with vulvas. Saying this shit makes you look so unserious & honestly transphobic (given the ongoing erasure of post-op trans people within broader community). Intersex people and GRS have both existed for long enough (fucking forever and, decades, respectively) that we should well past making this basic fucking mistake.

quit referring to people by a vague & often violent event that happened at their birth as though it defines ANYTHING about how they & their body currently operate, and start using precise language so you at least look like you know what you're fucking talking about.


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3 months ago

How do I ascend to deity status? I yearn to be a spirit intertwined with the forest.


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1 month ago

Ace people get a lot of "asexual people aren't oppressed" and it's so important to point out the injustices we face. Corrective rape, heavy medicalization, social discrimination from peers, pressure into being a sexual person when you are not, feeling or being told we are broken. All of these are incredibly important topics there needs to be more education about.

I love being asexual, I love my community, and we deserve better.

International Asexuality Day🙌🏽
International Asexuality Day🙌🏽
International Asexuality Day🙌🏽
International Asexuality Day🙌🏽
International Asexuality Day🙌🏽
International Asexuality Day🙌🏽
International Asexuality Day🙌🏽
International Asexuality Day🙌🏽
International Asexuality Day🙌🏽
International Asexuality Day🙌🏽

International Asexuality Day🙌🏽


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2 months ago

I absolutely adore the way you drew them here!!! They have that perfect awkward teenage look

Oh I Love Them So Dearly I Wish Them All Happiness I Want To See Them Struck By Lightning
Oh I Love Them So Dearly I Wish Them All Happiness I Want To See Them Struck By Lightning
Oh I Love Them So Dearly I Wish Them All Happiness I Want To See Them Struck By Lightning
Oh I Love Them So Dearly I Wish Them All Happiness I Want To See Them Struck By Lightning
Oh I Love Them So Dearly I Wish Them All Happiness I Want To See Them Struck By Lightning
Oh I Love Them So Dearly I Wish Them All Happiness I Want To See Them Struck By Lightning

Oh I love them so dearly I wish them all happiness I want to see them struck by lightning


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2 months ago

The fact that you can’t raise taxes on billionaires even slightly without them pouring money into fascist political movements is, of itself, evidence that billionaires as a class shouldn’t be allowed to exist in the first place.

4 months ago
A Drawing I Made A Month Ago That I'm Still Struggling With, And Maybe A Lot Of People Would Relate To

A drawing I made a month ago that I'm still struggling with, and maybe a lot of people would relate to as well.

For me it's about my gender in conflict with my body, about the struggles of being someone with a menstrual cycle, the expectations people have of me because I'm perceived as a woman, mental health, and my asexuality. And it's about anything you see in it too.

Please don't repost my art to other platforms!


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4 months ago
Barren Ground Caribou By: Leonard Lee Rue III From: Wild, Wild World Of Animals: Wild Herds 1977

Barren ground caribou By: Leonard Lee Rue III From: Wild, Wild World of Animals: Wild Herds 1977

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born-of-star-flesh - feral enby
feral enby

I like bugs and the incomprehensible nature of the universe: Genderqueer adult: studying environmental science (Xe/Xer/Xeirs /any)

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