Missing Him.

i hate myself

you don’t understand my heart literally lights up when he texts me how can he not be for me when I feel this strongly about him for like four years now it’s not fair it’s not fair 😭😭😭😭😭

missing his voice.

a delusion does not mean a person should ever be dismissed, brushed off or disregarded.

delusions are beliefs that are extremely hard to shake regardless of how self aware we are.

a delusional person is not quirky, not rambling nothingness for the sake of attention, they are serious.

from believing youre dead or dying (cotard's) to believing your halucinations were real, these things are terifying for us. theyre real for us.

just because you know its not true doesnt mean we're making it up. we deserve to be heard, listened to and helped just like you and your issues.

delusional is not and should never be nor should it ever have been an insult. its a serious issue. take it seriously.

I cannot accept that one person can act so differently. I cannot love and hate a person at the same time and still see them as one person. You are two people. And I only love the one of you that has died. 

everyday I wonder,

how much longer can I do this ??

and then the next day passes,

and the next, and the next, and the next,

and all of a sudden it’s been three years.

and I am still, just sitting here, wondering,

how much longer can I do this ??

(me, insane since the day i was born) sorry haha this has just been an off day for me

I don’t know how to explain it but just being alive causes me pain

The world is too loud, existing is overwhelming, people expect so much more than I can give

I fail at being alive every single day

I feel so ashamed to be so broken

But I don’t know how to be any other way

he has no idea that I’m literally on my knees praying and crying for him every day it’s actually ridiculous that he’s consuming my brain LIKE A PARASITE and he’s just completely clueless. I hope he has a dream where he sees how much he’s in my head and in my heart and in between my teeth and under my skin and he gets hit so hard with it he fucking dies. No one could love him like I would.