Okay But Think About How, In The Alternate 2012 Timeline, The Time Heist Squad Left Behind An Entire

Okay but think about how, in the alternate 2012 timeline, the Time Heist Squad left behind an entire elevator full of Hydra agents who think Captain America is one of them. Think about how Captain America just had his patriotic butt whooped by a doppelgänger who told him Bucky’s still alive and then complimented his ass. He must be so confused. The Hydra agents must be so confused, but like, they’re Hydra. It’s probably in the Secret Evil Organization Handbook to never, ever talk about who’s in it. It’s like the very first rule of being a successful sci-fi Nazi: If you somehow get a guy called Captain America to join a secret Nazi organization, you do not talk about it. You keep that on the down low so that you have the ultimate double agent on your side. So Captain America is probably wandering around in the Good Ol’ 21st century, confused out of his mind, likely wondering what WiFi is and how he can find Bucky and where he can find Bucky and how could Bucky still be alive and is it America’s ass, really? And then one of the SHIELD agents that he’s met maybe like, twice before walks up to him and before Steve can even give so much as a How Do You Freakin’ Do the motherduffer is whispering Hail Hydra in Steve “I committed multiple felonies for the chance to punch Hitler in the face and I never actually got to do it” Rogers’s ear and shoving a briefcase full of soldier enhancement serum and Pentagon secrets and like, the secret recipe for Coca-Cola or whatever it is that secret Nazi organizations care about into his hand. And Steve. Steve may not know how Twitter works. He may not know emoji etiquette yet. He may not know why bananas are suddenly so weird or why having a lot of people following you is now a good thing. But Steve. Steve knows how to fight him some Nazis. He takes the suitcase. He Hail Hydras back. And then he busts his (America’s) ass back to Avengers Tower like guys you will not believe what is going down I thought we were done with Nazis in the FORTIES. Cue the Avengers trying to take down Hydra super early in the game without anyone knowing it’s the Avengers that are attacking the Hydra bases so that Steve can keep playing the double agent. Cue them trying to figure out who they can trust and who they can’t in SHIELD. And every time—every time—they bring someone else into the fold, they have to explain to them they have an agent who’s infiltrated Hydra, and every time, the person in question thinks it’s Natasha.

And no. It’s Steve.

“How in the hell did you convince them that Captain America is a Nazi?”

And that’s the best part.

Because they have no idea.

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blvk-rxse

3 years ago

Twitter User: I wish I had more followers, then I’d be more likely to get verified.

Facebook User: I wish my posts reached further, then I’d get famous.

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blvk-rxse

5 years ago

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blvk-rxse

6 years ago

That’s the tea

In 1995, Umbridge asks Professor McGonagall how long she has been teaching at Hogwarts.

She answers, 39 years.

Which means she began her career in 1956.

So how she was already aging sometime in the 1910’s to teach Newt Scamander is beyond me.

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blvk-rxse

6 years ago

on the first day of christmas, dumbledore gave to me

a secret passage under a tree

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blvk-rxse

1 year ago

Good Omens S2 managed to do something no other show I've see ever do. Write S2 exactly like a fanfic.

Sapphic side characters with a coffee shop involved? Check.

Amnesia? Check.

Side popular ship that becomes canon despite the fact that nobody ever thought it actually would? Check.

Dancing ball scene? Check.

Mischievous match making by main ship? Check.

Character B pours their heart out to Character A and confesses their love and kisses them like there's no tomorrow? Check.

Character A confesses their love back?

Oh.

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blvk-rxse

4 years ago

Why didn’t I know this five years ago

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blvk-rxse

1 year ago

I've seen ppl say Ineffable Bureaucracy being canon wasn't in their bingo cards and it's funny because it's in MINE and I NEVER expected I would cross it out AND YET HERE WE FUCKING ARE

You wanna know what WASN'T in my bingo card????

A FUCKING DIVORCE

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blvk-rxse

6 years ago

You just mADe me FCKinG CRY

Are you hAPpy ?!

okay but if tony starts having nightmares of peter turning to dust in his arms i will join all the popcorn on the floor in the theatre

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blvk-rxse

6 years ago

Oh my god

I’m in tears

After a4 Tony decides to get a service dog for his anxiety and he brings home a tiny auburn yorkie terrier and names it “Ginny” and everyone laughs at him like “u some some kinda Harry potter nerd? Lol” and Pepper teases him constantly about it but Tony never gets embarrassed until they all are having a big dinner and when Peter hears about this, he’s thoughtful for a moment and then he goes “Ah, you’ve named him after miss pepper” so everyone’s pretty confused, so Peter says, “Um, Ginny? Virginia? Surely, I’m not the only one who’s made the connection?”

But he is in fact the only one and pepper blushes and tony sheds a single tear god bless

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blvk-rxse

4 years ago

every episode of criminal minds

lady: walking down dark alley slowly and alone (everything a woman would never do)

white guy in hoodie: hey

lady: AHH

white guy in hoodie: u look like my mom *stabs her* *takes her toes*

—

emily: and then i got drunk and slammed that bitch’s head into the bar counter

derek: haha thats great-

jj: its a bad one *hands out files*

emily: let me eat you out

(in the conference room)

jj: so yeah this guy stabs ladies. but now, he takes their toes

spencer: hes escalating

hotch: 😡😡😡 wheels up in 30

(zoom in on the plane)

jj: if when you do, but i cannot for the yes of he was what i no 💖 -lil huddy

(in the plane)

emily: sexual sadist

spencer: the history of toes is actually a long starting with the ancient indians they used to-

derek: dont make me put ur head through the plane window pretty boy. although i know you would love that

spencer: 😳😑

garcia on the phone: okay so i made a list of all the white guys in arizona.

derek: i want to taste ur guts

garcia: impale me with ur cock

hotch: thanks garcia 😡😡😡

—

detective alzhiemers: we spoke on the phone and i invited u here but i just want u to know i dont trust a single fucking thing you say. wow agent jareau u got that barbie doll build.

hotch: 😡 where can we set up

(at the crime scene)

rossi: 👁👄👁 he took their toes. but u can see the bone here.

(camera zooms in on derek)

derek: *takes off his sunglasses* *flexes* hes devolving

(at the m.e)

doctor dr. : so basically he kills them. u can see because theyre dead. he takes their toes but its sloppy.

emily: he must be doing it because he doesnt have any toes.

reid: *calling garcia* we need a list

(music escalates)

—

spencer: yeah so basically hes white and a sexual sadist

hotch: mid 30s, his mother didnt love him

emily: HES IMPOTENT because his girlfriend cut off his balls

derek: and he does not have toes. we gotta catch him fast. *picks up a call from garcia*

jj: i will be telling the press so we can get calls about men without toes.

garcia: hey my 12 inch bad dragon dick. i found him- Ben Serialkiller, 54 creep lane. born without toes, his mom kicked him out when he was 5.

derek: thanks babygirl. remind me to kiss ur feet tonight.

rossi: god am i old enough to die

detective alzheimers: actually i think youre completely wrong.

emily: we dont fucking care shut up limpdick

other cops: okay we believe you now

—

(in a dark basement)

spencer: Ben, i get it. u dont have to kill these women. *puts the gun down and takes off kevlar for no fucking reason* my mom tried to kill me too. but im not a serial killer.

white guy in hoodie: you dont get it.

rossi: you dont want to kill her. we can let the world know of your struggle, ben. we will teach them of a world with men without toes.

white guy in hoodie: okay i guess. *lets go of lady* *cries*

hotch: 😡😡😡 *cuffs him*

—

morgan, on the jet: u did good today, kid.

reid: thanks. i wonder what my life would be like if i didnt have 3 lifetimes of trauma on my 27 year old back.

morgan: hahaha

emily, joining in: hahahaha. loser

hotch: 😡😡😡 i wish i had emotions

jj: i miss my kids

emily: can we fuck yet