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OK ranting a little before I start...

I'm kinda sick and tired of people telling me all I need is discipline and consistency. Like you think I've never considered that??? That's what people say, like EVERYWHERE!

Has anyone thought maybe there is more to these two words? Or maybe there's more to people who consistently "fail" at discipline and consistency?

Before I make a tough decision every day - whether it is whether I should skip my class or what I want to eat for lunch - maybe I can stop and ask what my future self would like me to do? And then maybe I can finally be at peace when I choose to rest when I'm tired and enjoy my time with friends without feeling guilty.

Day 4

On days like this, I feel like I'm stepping backward, unwinding all the hard work I've put forward in the past few days. It hasn't even been a week yet...

My dog has been whining right before I go to bed to be taken out. Having presentations and essays back-to-back for my classes. Group projects are due soon. Spring break is in a few days. My thesis work is ongoing but not where I need it to be. - Things just aren't right.

I want to feel excited again. I want to feel alive again. I want to be free.

When I got home from school today, I laid down on the couch and started reading a webnovel. I ended up napping for two hours, and then realize that I still need to make food and it'll be time for bed. But I still have my daily assignments I need to get done, and my notes, and my thesis, and... My mind is going in a spiral but my body is moving like a turtle. All I want to do is read my webnovel and escape my stressful reality at the moment.

I'm going to muster the little strength that I still have to complete the essentials for tomorrow, and then call it a night. Maybe it is a day of necessary rest today.

~**~ Pinterest Inspirations ~**~

I noticed myself living in fear whenever I started looking at my semester planner and seeing how many things I had failed to complete thus far. It is an overwhelming feeling that keeps me frozen and stuck.

I don't know if I can get everything done before the end of the semester. And right now, this is my worst nightmare. I have always succeeded in higher education and I think I have feared failure to this extent.

But my partner is right, I can do anything I put my mind to. This is not about whether or not I can do these tasks, it is the fact that everything needs to get done so what will I do now to make it happen. This is not about whether or not I have faith in myself and how hopeful I am about this situation or hopeless about the current misfortune, but what would the adult part of me do now to make things work out without minimizing my needs and suppressing my emotions.

This is a lot. It feels heavy like I am carrying bags of stones on my shoulders while climbing a mountain. But this time I need to face my fears like a responsible adult instead of running away from my troubles and avoiding everything.

I can do this. I WILL do this. 💪🏻

Something that made me happy today =)

~**~ Pinterest Inspirations ~**~

I have been overwhelmed lately with everything I realize I need to finish by the end of the semester, which is in 7 weeks. Sadly, my birthday is within the next 7 weeks, and I would hate to be stressed out on my birthday weekend. I was in a similar spot last year having to finish preparing for a presentation the night before my birthday. I wish it would've been different. And I so do not wish this fate upon myself again this year.

Another year, a better me.

It's time to change how I handle my schoolwork and life in general. No more hiding away or being frozen in place. I have to keep my eyes open no matter what comes my way and see it for what it is - a challenge I have been trained to overcome. It just gets a little scary when everything gets thrown at you at the same time.

Day 3 End

School days feel like a blur sometimes. Waking up to my alarm while I'm still half asleep; rushing to take my dog out before class; hurrying to class so I'm not late - just speeding through the day until it gets dark outside and I'm still on my laptop by midnight.

I did most of what I planned to accomplish, but somehow I still feel like I should have done more. Probably expressed by the part of me that needs to overachieve.

Tomorrow's a new day, and I have a new goal. Will check back in again for continued progress =)

03/25/2025

Tired school days pass by the quickest... Finally sitting in front of my laptop at 10pm to do more schoolwork (according to my planner), and once again, I wonder how my brain wandered off to a different space and time since 6pm.

Current mood 🙃:

Completed

✅ Doctor's appointment

✅ Classes

✅ Part-time job

✅ Food

✅ 30-min nap with my dog

✅ Randomly listened to an audiobook ad on YouTube for 1 hour...

✅ Clinic note

✅ New semester survey

✅ Check school email and reply

✅ Group project highlight

✅ Group paper section outline

To-Dos (still...)

⏹️ At least 1 hour of thesis writing

Venting: It's hard to not feel disappointed in myself for not working on any actual thesis writing in the past 2 days, especially when I keep telling myself that today is the day. I seriously just want my brain to not run away from my thesis because I feel like time is running out. I'm so exhausted both physically and mentally at this point that I just want to sleep for a whole day before doing anything. But I'm not sure if this is actually feasibly. I just feel so stuck in my brain right now that I just want to dump all my anxiety and fears out so my mind can shut up and do the actual work. Why is it so hard??? Ugh, and now I feel like I am not being kind to myself... But I really need to complain a bit. Life has been rough recently with school and it's not something that someone can solve for me.

Affirmation: I speak words of love and kindness 🩵

Realizations

It hit me that studying is a lonely process.

No matter how much you connect with others on the topic of studying or study with others in the same place, it doesn't take away the fact that the learning process is a solo act.

Sometimes no one even knows when you are working hard. It is not a glorious process, but so many of us continue to do it day after day.

Maybe studying is how we will get closer to our goals and success. Maybe it gives you meaning. Maybe it gives you strength.

To be alive and still capable of learning. A lonely process but connects you with academics from the past and future.