Every Page Of This Is How You Lose The Time War Drives Me Insane

god calls me on the payphone, tells me there aren't enough magnolia trees in the garden. asks me a question. i spend my whole life answering it.

Handle yourself with the care and love that you yearn, you do not deserve to be beat up over an event that took a gruesome toll on you, putting up with that time was hard, dealing with the absence of so many figures was hard, having the constant fear of having nobody to reach out to was hard. And you have every right to accept that, it was completely alright to accept that you wanted to be held and loved even in a time where a version of you believed that you couldn’t. Say yes to being embraced

“Crawling down,From high hopes to the ground,Trouble sings along,In my heart and soul,A giant in the room,I left him long ago, following you.Wind heavy on the ground,A cloak before the moon,I guess I've never known,Someone like you.”

Agnes Obel - run cried the crawling

It’s ok if you can’t find the words. It’s ok if your heart feels to heavy in your chest so much so you can feel it sinking further into the void left by those that once were, I will hold it and dig the earth out to plant it in your backyard, for wherever home is, to show you how you love, to show you just how much of this red desire and passionfruit you hold within you, and to make you realise just how sickeningly sweet the aftertaste is and how it makes me want to blanket you with the warmth that it caressed me with, so to say I will show you how you love and love you whilst, I will tell you that’s it’s alright to not want to be stringing the weight of something you can’t afford, I will help you branch out to all the things that you missed and have the one and many nights you need to hold them close for the closure to come, to tell you that you don’t have to stitch your limbs down to someone while they’re anchoring you from fully and completely reaching out to that one version of yourself that respects and holds you. I will show you how you love and love you whilst :)

Growth is constant. Always and forever, even when you feel like you’ve done nothing productive throughout your day, even when you feel like you’ve come to a stop, even when you feel like you haven’t moved past a point in what seems like ages, even when you feel like you aren’t over the loss of a figure, even when you feel like you can no longer feel yourself anymore. My precious reader, I hope you understand just how much courage it takes to come to terms with the mere fact of not having done anything today. Admitting it to yourself is far more than enough. You are breathing, growing and you are constantly giving every living second of your life. You are reciprocating emotions, you are finding a way through your thoughts to draw this very conclusion, you are processing so many different interactions through the span of the past few hours, yet being able to continue to communicate, Respect that.

You’re not always going to be having an absolutely downright miserable day for you to feel worn out, your body can most definitely take the toll of an event even if your mind hasn’t reached the capacity or state to process it, there are so many instances where you yourself are not emotionally ready to face something but that doesn’t mean that your body will stop there and then. Maybe it’s something that happened over a week ago, or a month, and it happened to be that very thing you tucked under your pillow so it wouldn’t keep you up at night, so take my word when I say that it shouldn’t come off as a shock to you if you can’t set your mind on something or someone, have the energy to go on about your day, or be in your element when nothing went wrong. Take this exhaustion as a sign and evaluate over those times and everything you’d been through, face them and give yourself the time to sit through what happened, processing is key, tugging it away to suffer physiological distress is not.

You know at times we do overlook the simplicity of a word, and that further leads you to letting it hold the weight of the life on your shoulders. Mistake, not disappointment, failure, agony, disgrace- you know the rest you’ve said it to yourself time and time again without a doubt. Yes you have. Now think about it again, mis-take. You. Missed. A. Take. No more, no less.

I made a mistake a year and a half back, it wasn’t the kind of lie where you hide a bag of chips behind somebody’s back. It was the kind of lie that broke somebody’s trust in you. Eventually it starts to grow on you etching all the way through the small of your back, upto your spine and jamming into your skull, ultimately making you believe that you MUST NOT ever live this down.

You see a reminder is a receipt of your actions and consequences in an event, but what you might not see is that the ink on that paper dries with time, it will go away, there will be a time where you’ll pick it up and you’ll see absolutely nothing,no trace.

You are going to have endless opportunities to beat yourself up over something, but allow yourself to keep it to the short stuff, maybe a brain freeze, or when you miss your bus, a paper cut, biting your tongue when you’re too excited to speak even, so technically it’s all word v0m1t.Now I’m not here to snatch that away from you, you do that all you want, but what about that one time, that split second where you know the night is colder than usual, that split second where you’re more restless than ever, that split second where you’re twisting and turning and the air around you seems to be holding a grip on your breath, and you so desperately wish the night were warmer, if only a little, where you KNOW you’ve got nothing but yourself to hold onto?

Why would you abandon yourself? We know we’ve spoken to ourselves before, we know we’ve sat with ourselves before, but did you make an effort to reach out to that echo inside of you and hold it tight to keep it safe and sound from all the intrusive thoughts peeking through? To keep yourself warm?

Surely you’ve heard “You know what you did back there, and don’t you forget it. This time won’t be any different. I just KNOW you’re going to make the same mistake again, and if you’re too stubborn to risk it again? Who am I to stop you” but what about “you did what you did under the heat of your impulse, neither of us could’ve controlled it. It has been a while and you allowed yourself to let the event sink in with time, you were afraid, and I’m not saying what you did was right or wrong, it was understandable because you were afraid. Give yourself that validation to forgive yourself” you are LEARNING and LEARNING and you LEARN and you LEARN

And maybe that will be your taking your from it, no trophy, no award, no nothing, but your accountability, and your taking, now that’s some fancy stuff right there. I did not deserve to be beat up over an event that happened years back, but I was allowed to be afraid and to let myself feel the pressure, I was allowed to find a way, to BUILD a way out. You are allowed to channel your faith on a belief that pats you on the back and kisses your forehead because that was a very hard time, but you DO get to push through, you do not need permission. You have a RIGHT to.

You get to have just as much liberty as anybody out there who decides to put themselves forth and move forward, always