Spring-sickness And Nostalgia

Life is like that... In the pause between two heartbeats, the curse of broken promises, foolish plans and bitter separation, is undone by the simplest notion of love.

All the suck for the awesome

Difficulties may come. Or actually do come. We like to call even the less trying days hard ones, too, but now I'm speaking of real difficulties. As I said, we come across those times.

I'm convinced you know what I'm talking of, when I say being the burn-out one, doing the monotonous routine you swore to never do, dreaming big but always being stuck in second gear... These all are quite common symptoms of a-normal-life.

I've just arrived at the end of one of these periods. It's been a quarter year, that I lived through many sufferings. But I must admit, that most of them were self-inflicted, for all this served an indeed great purpose: the benefit of my personality.

I've been very reluctant towards my studies in mechanical engineering. I grew to hate my uni, and all that came with it. BUT this time has come to an end, when I realised, how incredibly much I've gained from this. I learnt truly spectacular and useful matters, and I've made important acquintaces, valuable friendships. True ones. Much more true ones, than what I foresaw for the period.

All in all, I'm clearly grateful for the thing I hated the most in the past couple of months, since I feel like I've become a better man through them. It makes me delightful to have been able to just remain on the surface.

Oh boy, I'm exhausted, so I suppose this post will end up as some nonsense but I hope, that for some of you out-there, it will mean what I meant...

Discipline is Hard but Weakness is not my Game

I’ve been feeling waves of regression washing over me recently but at the same time I’ve been leaning forward. My ambitions, exuberant and overwhelming, have been leading me. And, again, I’m arrested in a state of complete antinomy: I’m satisfied and dissatisfied, hopeful and disillusioned--I feel these over the same things.

Leaping toward the shimmering notion of how I think I ought to be is what I’m trying to do, yet there’s this unbearable inertia in my life. If I say I want to write, I find I should throw away people, or care considerably less. In my constant struggle for creating something noteworthy I encounter discouragement. Well, on the heartfelt occasions. Of course I get the you’re great and the it’ll be fine but what are those supposed to mean? Not even the ones closest to me think of my writing as a tangible thing with tangible effects. For my environment it’s no more than a dream I’m sometimes having. Certainly romantic but not to be pursued to the damage of even the smallest thing.

I often wonder if the world’s as small as some people see it. Do I need a small job in order to this and that? Well, I refuse the necessity of it and always have. The start of a career or a seed-like job is a different case but I’m regularly pressured toward being practical the ordinary way and I see that as derogatory. I do encourage some folks to master base skills and unromantic professions and I am not against the concept of these, only I feel they get the wrong animal with me. I can’t do all that other people can but I have a strong conviction that I can excel, even create new frontiers, where our race seldom goes: the abstract, the grand and often vain projects that frighten so many. I crave those paths but I get the feeling that with it I frighten those, who love me.

Yet, after all, on a few days I too wake up with doubt. I despise doubt and loathe it, along with cowardice and ignorance but, much like the next person, I’m susceptible to all of those. Sometimes I read back what I’ve written and I’m disappointed. Then, of course, I get down to the part of grinding and go over it once again, until I can accept it but the next day it’s exactly the same amount of disappointment over yesterday’s promising new words. The temptation is unceasing, the beating inside me is counter-driving my soul, into disbelief and the will to abandon my work. But then it’s the universal beating of all ages and if anyone ever amounted to greatness, it’s no more than walking without letting herself be broken. We don’t need anyone for that--to break us. We are very efficient at giving terrible advice to ourselves, although it’s true that the world around us lavishes it at us without limit.

Similarly, in my emotions I’m conflicted. There are things that I want and there are people I want. My desires are sharply defined, there’s no need there, but I regret to want them. There’s no smart way around this though. Truthfully I don’t even know the objects of my desires thoroughly, yet if I were made to choose I would throw away all I have to have those. I think it would be painful but it wouldn’t take me more than a moment of having to contain whatever is trying to get out through our throats, when we feel profound loss, then I’d be immersed in the crisp breeze. I am certain I have the capacity to be like that only I know it’s wrong. It’s immoral and unwise, yet the demands of the soul of a man, who’s otherwise consciously fighting to reach his other desires, called ambitions, are hard to put away.

My desires resist and pull me. Whichever is to be attained is painful, and the ones that I denounce, will not leave me. Everything’s hard--said the poet.

“The sun rises and the sun goes down, and hastens to the place where it rises. The wind blows to the south, and goes round to the north; round and round goes the wind, and on its circuits the wind returns. All streams run to the sea, but the sea is not full; to the place where the streams flow, there they flow again. All things are full of weariness; a man cannot utter it; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing. What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done; and there is nothing new under the sun.” Ecclesiastes 1,5-9

Work today

And it's been another day! (I took this phrase from POPS, which is an incredible YouTube series... just sayin') So yeah, I've been revising, grammatically, my book-to-be, which is funny cuz' this normally happens after getting a publisher. Yeah, I suck. But I'm past the half-line and the hardest part is behind me. I know I'm not a big name and not the best guy to pick to be an author of children's stories but I still live in my kid-self's magical dreamworld, so I couldn't get myself do anything else. 'Kay, maybe I lied because I enjoy practically everything and maybe next year I'm gonna start my studies as a mechanical engineer (farthest thing from any literature). BUT enough talk, cuz' it's getting out of control and it's nothing but self-obsessed, self-endearing blogging :P LOL I'm a little harsh but I consider it as a healthy sense of criticism over myself ;)

THEND (The + End = ThEnd)

Ceaselessly changing

When are we ready, grown-up, clever or wise? Is there a certain phase, defined by scholars of past ages?

Human societies are all about metamorphosis: we always want to transfigure into something we think is sublime. And we very often succeed in our efforts, however, this just opens our eyes to see how vast the unknown is. I don't mean it scientifically; it's meant to be understood in the most artsy way you can imagine, I'm not going to be pretentious though, I'm just in the mood.

The past three or four months have really brought a wave of revelations and I caught a glimpse of the magnitude of the lack of knowledge about grand things I have. I'm well-aware this is terribly confusing but it's difficult for me to put my feelings into words, still, I'm compelled to give it my best shot.

Returning to my greatly eventful time, I must admit it was not at all eventful. All it was is just a period of trying my wings, seeing if I can fly. But I can't, there's just no way I could challenge the gravity and all laws of physics. I mean this, again, in a metaphorical way.

I've read books that showed me a new side of literature, I've seen movies that changed my thinking about film-making, I've had conversations that introduced me to a more humane side that people tend to conceal and I've revisited my early infatuations and through all of these things I've come to realise a great thing. I'm much less like me and much more like you -- like the entirety of us, humans. Through these things I began to understand myself more and more, to appreciate the world and each person around me.

This is an eternally complex and beautiful world. We have so little time to explore it and yet, we can always return to anything and enjoy it as if it was the first time of trying it out. We're so very close to death. But it's okay. I don't mind it because I believe that I will have emptied what fate has in store for me till my last day on Earth and what else could I wish above that? Another life? No, I'll pass. But I'll gladly go to Heaven :)

I'm in love again. In love with the Spring, the Day, Learning, Words and Actions, Traveling and You. I hope you're reading this because I'm madly in love with you Baby :)

This song...

There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

How to fail university

First of all, attend a university, which you are most certainly not fond of. Work really hard but not as much as you see fit, instead push as hard as expectations require, and burn out. Once you're incapable of doing anything further, it won't be hard to fail enough tests to fail several subjects. I know you're smart enough to get to the exams, even if you were a total mess when you had tests. Once you're miraculously facing a couple of exams (it's wondrous because you haven't yet failed by merely the tests), make sure you're extremely busy with unrelated business and when it comes to the very week of the exams, procrastinate! More than ever in your life! More than altogether in your life! Then, when you've done enough procrastination and that voice in your head is shouting, that you should study, do some studying but pay attention to do it very skin-deeply. Okay, you're at the exam and you've completed an utterly half-ass process of learning, a.k.a no learning at all, you can be at ease, for there's a fair chance, that you'll fail. Every single subject. One by one.

There you have it, my secret recipe for failing uni.

This is an ironic approach of telling my story at how I've performed so far. OK, maybe the end was just a predection, but a very realistic one. My point is not to gain some of yourvaluablepity, and definetely not to set up an example. Well it is in fact an example but not one to follow.

What I'm trying to say with this excessive and rather sarcastic post is hidden in the very first sentence. Do not EVER give in to reasons, that lack the consideration of YOU. Every single person is unique and has a life, that has the potential to be full. However, this diversity naturally implies the pointlessness of schemes. We can't live by the guidance of movie-themes or advices of people we look up to (or sometimes ones, that we don't even look up to). We have to find our own way. And the path, that we'll follow, will eventually determine, whether we arrive at our destination or not.

Our primary aspects of considering careers are its profitability and the likelihood of being employed. But these won't make our lives worth living. Either we accept it, or not, the truth is, that we spend a major part of our days in the little boxes we call workplaces. And it matters enermously if it's right for us. And not in a sense of us being able to provide our family with everything. Our profession has to make us happy. As St. Augustine said "Love and do what you will.".

My conclusion will be hard for some of you to swallow but please bear with me. The Bible says, that we shouldn't worry about our needs for they will be fulfilled be the Divine Providence of God. And this is what makes me calm while I rerender my plan for the future. My faith gives me confidence to say all this. This is why I'm not afraid to say, that there's a certain destination I aim for. This is why I'm on the side, that says you can bravely follow your dreams. Because when you're convinced, that your dreams are justified by the Great Maker, you fear not what is yet to be faced.

Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.

Elwood P. Dowd (Harvey)