There’s No Happy Ending With Me.

Life is like that... In the pause between two heartbeats, the curse of broken promises, foolish plans and bitter separation, is undone by the simplest notion of love.

The right answer is always figured out early on, when it isn't, it means, that you are not ready to know it.

We all must try to be good.

Tender is the Night - F. Scott Fitzgerald

I have exorcised the demons. This house is clean.

Converting friendship to love (?)

Today I had a very inspiring conversation about love. Someone asked me if my falling in love with my girlfriend was instantaneous. To give a sufficient answer, I had to start from a couple years ago.

In the first years of highschool I had a girlfriend, then we broke up. Then I was attracted to a girl I didn't actually know. It was a very mindless and surprisingly pricey crush/relationship, anyways hard to define and completely irrelevant... I had all these, while my girlfriend and I were only friends.

My experience was, that love is a relationship, where you can't fully trust the other, you have to provide, where feelings are forged and you can't be honest about it, where you kind of get all used-out for a made-up ideal, which doesn't even exist in real life. With this sad and depressing concept I often pictured myself lonely in the future.

HOWEVER, and this however is, I suppose, one of the most important howevers in my entire life, I had a very great friend. She was my secret's keeper, someone, who understood me and whom I understood just as much. She was the most important person to me and I was 100% aware of this but considering what Iknewabout love, I figured it's the best to be friends and not even the slightest bit lovers...

After a long and fruitful friendship, and some disappointing experiences with other girls, the big, romantic turn occured. We (I mean my girlfriend and I (of course)), went to a big christian youth conference, where there was a seminar about how we relate to the people. The preacher said, that we should inspect our lives and find the leaks on our relationships and go and try to mend them. My first thought was a girl I was very keen on getting to fall in love with me, who would've thought... BUT a little later that night, I realised how twisted my life was and more importantly my relationships. And then I started to have faith in love, where you care, you respect, you can be honest, and most of all, you finally are whole.

There was one person, who I felt all this with. And it wasn't and still isn't just some mindless emotional stuff. This is a wonderful, deep and meaningful relationship. It takes you to places you never thought existed. You feel its stunning heights and the somehow hopeful depths. It isn't contrary. It's honest and clean. It makes you balanced and your life seems to finally get on the right track.

I'm in love. Not in the blinded, naiv kind. It's true love and sometimes it comes along with troubles, no doubt, but it feels just right. I'm grateful for my wonderful Girlfriend. Whenever I look at her, or listen to her or just simply think of her, I know, that this is where I belong. She gives me that feeling, that I'm finally home.

I could write houndreds of books about my remaining thoughts on love but this is a piece, which I felt like sharing...

Ceaselessly changing

When are we ready, grown-up, clever or wise? Is there a certain phase, defined by scholars of past ages?

Human societies are all about metamorphosis: we always want to transfigure into something we think is sublime. And we very often succeed in our efforts, however, this just opens our eyes to see how vast the unknown is. I don't mean it scientifically; it's meant to be understood in the most artsy way you can imagine, I'm not going to be pretentious though, I'm just in the mood.

The past three or four months have really brought a wave of revelations and I caught a glimpse of the magnitude of the lack of knowledge about grand things I have. I'm well-aware this is terribly confusing but it's difficult for me to put my feelings into words, still, I'm compelled to give it my best shot.

Returning to my greatly eventful time, I must admit it was not at all eventful. All it was is just a period of trying my wings, seeing if I can fly. But I can't, there's just no way I could challenge the gravity and all laws of physics. I mean this, again, in a metaphorical way.

I've read books that showed me a new side of literature, I've seen movies that changed my thinking about film-making, I've had conversations that introduced me to a more humane side that people tend to conceal and I've revisited my early infatuations and through all of these things I've come to realise a great thing. I'm much less like me and much more like you -- like the entirety of us, humans. Through these things I began to understand myself more and more, to appreciate the world and each person around me.

This is an eternally complex and beautiful world. We have so little time to explore it and yet, we can always return to anything and enjoy it as if it was the first time of trying it out. We're so very close to death. But it's okay. I don't mind it because I believe that I will have emptied what fate has in store for me till my last day on Earth and what else could I wish above that? Another life? No, I'll pass. But I'll gladly go to Heaven :)

I'm in love again. In love with the Spring, the Day, Learning, Words and Actions, Traveling and You. I hope you're reading this because I'm madly in love with you Baby :)

The Father is so surprisingly close that I stand astonished. When I saw how much I'm not hearing Him speaking, I asked and He came to me. Now I feel renewed, strengthened and lifted up. There's nothing I fear now. :)

it's a whole new level

ps: the alternate ending kicks ass

New video! EVERYTHING IS POSSUM! (took way longer to make than at first it would seem)

Wish I could do some of that

Been doing a lot of not practicing to get this good at parkour.