No Matter How Hard He Tried, Regulus Knew That He Was A Disappointment. He Knew That His Parents Wished

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there, Become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do, Is be more like me and be less like you.

@battle-scvrs

"Hey, look at me," Reg's voice was gentle as he reached to put his hand on Caradoc's cheek, stroking his thumb across his cheekbones. "Being interrogated may put your life in danger if they find out about us, so we need to prevent that. I will fight with you. Don't feel guilt about that, please...this is my choice. I knew the risks when I realised we were on opposing sides and we carried on anyways, and I know the risks even more now that I'm defecting. I might be a pretty poor Death Eater, but I can still hold my own in a fight. I don't want you worrying about me, or feeling guilty. We'll do this together, okay?" Reg said, knowing that Caradoc would continue to feel guilt but hoping to offset it somehow. He just hoped that Caradoc still felt their relationship was worth the added risk.

Shifting up onto the couch, Reg cast another quick diagnostic spell to ensure he hadn't missed anything drastic before he set his wand down on the side. He tucked his feet underneath himself, leaning his head gingerly against Caradoc's shoulder. "It's so strange to me that your parents have chosen ignorance over all of this. That they would rather be blind to the war, than take precautions. Muggle behaviours are....odd."

Caradoc squeezed his eyes shut. If Regulus’ cover was blown because of him . . . He could already feel the waves of guilt hitting him. That was more painful than any injury inflicted on him could be. “Only if you must. Only if my life is in danger. If it’s anything else, you need to stay with your cover. I can handle being hurt by them, or being interrogated. What I cannot handle is you suffering in an effort to save me.”

He opened his eyes again, grasping his boyfriend’s hands. There were probably a couple more healing spells he needed, but they could wait. He just wanted to spend time with Regulus and relax. Caradoc patted the space next to him. “Please?” He said. “I don’t want to think about the mission anymore.” Caradoc sighed, leaning back against the cushions. “Merlin, if my parents knew . . .” He laughed out loud. “I cannot imagine what they’d think.”

With a glass of wine in hand, Cassie had largely been lingering at the edges of the party. She was most comfortable with a lack of eyes on her, quite content to sit back and watch everything unfold. "Evening Emma. I dusted off my formal dress for the occasion, instead of my usual healers robes," Cassie said with a smile. "Busier than ever with everything that's going on. People call on me at all hours of the night...it keeps life exciting though, keeps my brain ticking. How are you? I still need to make it to one of your games and see you play for myself."

location: selwyn manor @battle-scvrs (cassie)

Emma was surprised to see Cassandra Borgin at the Selwyn's new years eve party, but as they had not spoken in a while she decided to go over and catch up. She was a good healer, one of the few Emma trusted. As a famous athlete she did not want to go in to see a healer and have things end up in the gossip magazines. "Cassie. You look well. How have you been?"

The conflict waging war within him was almost like nothing he’d ever felt before. With Sirius, Regulus felt a personal betrayal at the loss of his brother. He had always liked Andromeda, but the betrayal didn’t cut as deep. Yet he stood in Diagon Alley reflecting on the creeping darkness that felt like it could suffocate him, and here was his cousin who had carved a life she clearly enjoyed and had fought so fiercely to protect and keep. He knew what he had been taught to believe, he knew he should think that his niece was a filthy abomination, and yet when he looked at the girl innocently eating her sugar quill all he saw was a child that had a future in front of them. Tucking his hands back in his pockets, he inclined his head slightly as Andromeda gestured. “I understand,” he murmured quietly. “I don’t…I can’t agree with it, but I understand why you made your choices,” he offered.

He just wished she understood the pressure that the loss of herself and Sirius had placed onto their younger siblings shoulders – pressure to be perfect, to uphold the family standards, to never step a foot out of line. It was an impossible ask, and yet it was the life Regulus led. “Good for you,” he said, a hint of bitterness in his tone. He missed his brother. “It’s not the job my parents wanted for me, but I love researching and carving new ground. They wanted a diplomat,” he shrugged, having little interest in politics. A slight frown curved over his brow as he considered whether he was happy, and all he could offer was “I love my job.” His life was a mess, and it was only getting worse. “I’m glad that you’re happy…I’m glad you’ve found a good life,” he whispered. “Is Sirius happy?”

Andromeda couldn’t help the way her heart clenched at the sight of Regulus speaking with Dora. Dora was always surrounded by people who loved her, true family and family made from friendships. But to see her with Regulus, she wished Dora could have a relationship with her family. But she’d resigned herself to the idea it would likely never happen. Still, to see the way Dora smiled at Regulus and whispered a ‘thank you’ as she took the sugar quill made her heart ache for what could be. “I did.” She agreed. “And I’ll never regret making the choice I did.” A weak laugh as she gestured down at Dora before her eyes returned to him. “How can I regret this? A life without Ted, a life without her. It wouldn’t have been one worth living, regardless of what the family says.”

“It’s good to have family, however little of it Sirius and I may have left.” She agreed with a weak smile. “It’s good for both of us, and for Dora.” She wanted to tell Regulus that he was welcome to visit too, that he would always be her family. But she wasn’t willing to push, not when she knew such a suggestion could be met with derision and a nasty comment. “I’m glad, you’ve always been brilliant. I’m glad the ministry sees that.” She glanced down at Dora, too entranced in her treat to pay attention to anything else going on around her. “We’re good. Happy.” She assured him, looking up at him and smiling. “I hope you are too…happy that is.” A moments pause. “I know none of you want anything to do with me. But that doesn’t change anything for me. I wish nothing but happiness for all of you.” She wanted to say that she loved them all, missed them every day. But she wasn’t sure she could bear to show any further weakness.

Frowning at the woman, Regulus stood straight though his body was still angled in a way that he was blocking the shelf. "What about I'm browsing this shelf currently did you not understand?" he muttered grumpily. "There's no common courtesy these days for the British tradition of queueing and waiting your turn. Go ahead," he said, staring at the man behind Greta who was also eyeing up the shelf that Reg had been browsing. "But make it snappy, I want to take my time choosing the best ingredients."

Greta had had a bit of a cold recently and she decided to slip into the apothecary and get herself some medicine so that she would feel better quicker. As there was someone at the shelf she needed to get to, taking quite a while she cleared her throat, apologetic smile on her face when Regulus turned around. "I just need some cold medicine and then I'll be out of your way."

As his victim hit the ground, a vicious smirk carved itself onto Fenrir's face. While he wanted to relish in the screaming of his victims there would be time for that later once they had extracted their mark. His gaze followed Thorfinn as he crept through the house, and he cast a swift cushioning charm on the ground to prevent too much noise alerting those upstairs. The last thing they needed was their mark apparating away.

Comfortable that the ground floor was now clear, Fenrir began creeping up the stairs. One guard stood in front of a closed door, and there was a brief moment of surprise on his face before another diffindo sliced the man's head cleanly from his shoulders. Casting a glance into two empty rooms, Fenrir gestured towards the last door which was firmly closed. His alohamora bounced off the door, and he turned to see if Thorfinn was following behind him. "The others are all in there. Four against two. We're going to have to blast through the wards."

Thorfinn stood patiently, counting down the seconds in his head before he apparated in with Fenrir. He could feel his fingers itching to get dirty and to cause some pain. This was what he longed for, what he craved, and an outlet he welcomed. The blonde followed behind the other, mask over his face, a smirk underneath at the destruction already in place.

He moved through the cabin, coming around the corner to where another law enforcement appeared. A disarming charm used, following his fellow death eater's way, a silence charm placed to hide the noise and with no warning, the unforgiveable death curse uttered, watching his assailant collapse to the ground. Two down, meant there were four more inside.

With each passing day, Regulus could no longer deny the growing feeling of resentment that he felt. He felt like a pawn being moved about on a chessboard by different players, all with little care for his feelings or wellbeing. Theoretically, Regulus knew that there were people who cared for him...but the way that seemed to manifest was driving him further away. He had never been quite so lonely in all of his life, and he feared that if he disappeared the next day nobody would know to look for him for some time. Something had to change, but he was in too deep. He'd been in too deep since his mother had frogmarched him in front of the Dark Lord and practically held his arm still for the mark to be burned into him.

His posture was rigid, but Regulus kept one hand in his pocket where his wand lay. He was certain that this office was warded and full of protective charms that would work in Edgar's favour, but if things were to turn nasty he wanted to at least give himself a fighting chance to escape. "I would prefer to stand, thank you," Regulus said, standing just behind the empty chair. "I thought the matter from the other day was settled, I'm not sure what further questions there are to be asked."

Eyeing the photo of the Black family heirloom that Edgar was showing him, Regulus summoned every inch of pureblooded training that his parents had painstakingly instilled in him to keep his expression clear. "I spoke freely and of my own accord last time. I swore to the truth of my words. I'm sorry Mr Bones, but I can't assist you any further."

It was the look in the wizard's eyes from their initial meeting with both the Black brother's and he could tell there was something more, but it was going to take a little coaxing to bring it out. Sirius Black had proven himself within the order and there was this nagging feeling in the back of his head that perhaps the younger one, he could be an asset to how they could learn how to defeat the Dark Lord. This meeting could blown up in his face or it could be what they needed.

Edgar closed the door behind Regulus when he came into his office, a different ward of charms floating around them to conceal the room for ears that should not be listening. "Mr. Black, do have a seat." He gestured to the empty chair before moving around the desk to take his seat. "I had a few more questions and thought it was best if it was a conversation between the two of us." A pause. "I won't keep you too long. I understand how important your work is."

It has long been suspected that certain Black's were more than they appeared to be, aligning in an allegiance opposite of his. He pulled out pictures of the item that they were being questioned about last time. "I thought you might be more willing to talk freely about this."

Regulus had hardly expected a response to his owl at all, never mind a positive response. He wouldn't have blamed Andromeda if she'd ignored him; Merlin only knew he'd treated her poorly in the past. His recent experiences had driven him to write a letter, and now he was expecting his estranged cousin at his home. He'd been pacing around his living room nervously for a while, wondering if she would actually show up and then wondering what he would say to her if she did. It'd been a long, long time since he'd been fully honest with someone, and he knew the danger that it put himself in. The feelings of discontentment and unhappiness had been building for a while, maybe even for years, and Regulus had finally been pushed to breaking point. The sound of a knock at the door broke Reg out of his musing, and with shaking hands he opened the front door. "You came...Here, come in out of the cold," he said, gesturing through to his living room. "Can I get you something to drink?" @tonksxandromeda

Taking affront at Edgar's upfront disapproval of his upbringing, Regulus frowned deeply. His fingers curled restlessly into a fist before he unclenched them again, quite unsure of what to do with his body. What were they as people without tradition? Strict teaching in the old ways had kept their kind alive to this point, and though he agreed it had grown extreme, historically keeping them separate from muggles had been for their people's safety. Hearing the word genocide was like a punch to the gut, and his gaze dropped to his hands. He was already in too deep, Edgar already knew too much. He was either leaving this room in custody, or...as something else. "I...I have done shameful things, but I hated it. Every single time I used an unforgivable curse, it tore me apart...fuck, I've been having regular lessons to teach me to be better at them. You know how fucking pathetic that is? A Death Eater who throws up every time he comes home from using the cruciatus, who had to have private lessons because his imperius curse can't hold...all because I was mentally blocking myself. Because I knew....it's not right," he gasped out, almost shocking himself with the way the words tumbled out.

And there it was. The first time he'd verbally admitted that he was on the wrong side.

Still, he didn't appreciate Edgar's heavy handedness when it came to Sirius. "Sirius chose his friends, he chose this...and he knew what that would mean for me. Even if I switch sides, I am tainted...I don't think he would take me any more. Not when he has his perfect friends. What need does he have for a brother who has so much baggage, and brings with him so much danger? If I do this, know that it is not for Sirius' benefit." And yet, the possibility of truly reconnecting with his brother, and with Andromeda...family relationships that he wouldn't have to perform for.

"What are you asking of me, Mr Bones? I feel like I am sat here signing my death warrant, yet part of me wonders if I did that at sixteen years old when I allowed them to place this on my arm," he said, drawing up his sleeve to reveal the Dark Mark. "Are you asking me to work from the inside? Can you possibly comprehend the risk that puts me in? Or...are you and your side, your Dumbledore, just as eager to let people throw their lives away so long as it is in service of your side instead of mine," Regulus mused, before shaking his head as he rolled his sleeve back down. "No more will die by my hand, and I have already told you too much...so I suppose it's this or Azkaban, right?"

"Whatever you are asking of me, I will do it."

"No, Mr. Black, I have not been raised with strict, ancient, barbaric, family values." A pause, letting those words linger in the air. "I come from one where through those family values you so protect, would mean I do not belong in your world because I'm not." More silence, "pure. You do realise what your kind is trying to do is called genocide in the muggle world." He shakes his head. "It is innocent blood that will stain your hands and from the look on your face, despite trying to hide it, it's already starting to break you." Edgar could be reaching, but for the most part, he knew he was hitting the mark.

"Sirius chose to stand on the side that is right. Yes, he may have left you behind, but he knows what your family stands for is wrong. And deep down you know it is too." He looks Regulus square in the eyes. "With us, you wouldn't be alone and Sirius would be at your side."

"I have auror's and other members who are within the Order that will aid in protecting you." He was already thinking who would best suit this need. "We need your help. They are growing stronger and we need some way to slow them down."