Badweatherbartender

being called "cringe" by another tumblr user is just so..............my sibling in christ u are also on the app

The chili plant made a deal with their God to only be consumed by things that could spread its seeds and fly. The chili received capsaicin, making itself painful to eat for mammals, but not birds, and all was well for the chili.

Then the human shows up, tastes it, and likes the pain. So now there's this flightless fucking mammal eating the chili. Like not even a fruit bat or anything, a flightless fucking mammal chomping on the chili.

What the fucking shit, God, cried the chili, I specifically requested the opposite of this.

Now hold on, wait a moment, replied the God who talks to plants but has no idea what the fuck these apes are going to do next. It might be something cool.

And in a flash of a second, in barely fraction of the time that chili took to develop capsaicin, the humans went from walking across land bridges and rowing little boats across small waters, into building ships that could cross oceans. More humans tasted the chili, and liked the pain. They took the seeds with them, and planted it elsewhere.

See? They spread the seeds.

They're still not flying, said the chili, still feeling insulted and betrayed.

But before the conversation was over, the humans were still not done fucking around and nowhere close to finding out. The ships became machines, and another machine was invented, capable of flight. Now, not only were the humans farming chili on continents far too far away for any of the birds that originally ate it could dream of flying, but the chili flew with them to lands where it could possibly not grow, so that humans over there could also eat it and enjoy the pain.

You see? They spread your seeds and fly.

It doesn't count as keeping a promise if you only manage it by a fucking accident, said the chili, still somewhat insulted. But nonetheless, the chili thrived.

FedEx: shits on my box, stomps on my box, kicks it, dumps gasoline on it, throws one of my chickens into the back of the van UPS: whispers at my front door “is anyone home” as quietly as possible before leaving a “we missed you!” note, tries to gaslight me into thinking my address doesn’t exist USPS: sets my package down gently where it’s not visible from the road, knocks on the door and kisses me directly on the mouth

do you think law had to request a zoo from caesar? or did he have weirdass animal compilations stored somewhere from years of practicing his powers? can he kill the first half off safely once the legs have been ‘transplanted’? or is there a freaky horror farm somewhere with half animals wandering around?

only thing that comes to mind today.

it warms my heart to know that ancient Romans would travel to more-ancient Greece and then get mad that it wasn't like it was in Homer/Plato/Aristotle & complain back home that Greece sucked to visit

Demonstrating the rope dart (繩標; sheng2biao1)

[eng by me]

Me: I am a relatively smart, capable, mature human being. I can figure things out.

Also Me: *frantically FaceTiming my sister for help so I don’t have to tell the lady I’m babysitting for that I don’t know how to use child-proofed doorknobs*