Y’all Don’t Understand The Things I Would Do To Be Fictional :(

Albert Camus, from Notebooks 1935-1942; tr. by Philip Thody  

i tried to make a digital journal, but i can’t i need a physical notebook. I need to feel the pages with my fingers, i need the smell and i need the sacred feeling of writing in a blank sheet of paper

You know what’s the worst thing in the world? Knowing that all those pretty, skinny girls have had an ed, and the only way to achieve that body is to starve yourself.

It doesn’t really matter if you do exercise, it’s genetics or to starve yourself

Fuck!!!!!

Me, not talking: Ah fuck, I am being weird

Me, talking: Ah fuck, I am being weird

GROWING UP. ( young and beautiful, lana del rey / nothing new, taylor swift + phoebe bridgers / working for the knife, mitski / first love/late spring, mitski / nothing new, taylor swift + phoebe bridgers / ribs, lorde / nothing new, taylor swift + phoebe bridgers )

I just finished banana fish and 1. I refuse to accept that ending 2. My mind is filled with how they could have been happy… their dates and casual days. Like imagine that!!!! Where would Ash take Eiji, those late night talks and those nights when it’s just cuddling until they had fallen asleep. Holding hands, cooking together, forehead kisses, tight hugs and gentle hugs. Ash reading while Eiji is sleeping in his lap, Eiji cooking while Ash is telling him funny stories… talks and talks and talks… cleaning each other’s tears… god!!!! Im so inlove with them :(

Re-reading books is great and good until it’s The Secret History by Donna Tartt and you realize that within Julian’s first lecture we are witness to he speaks of Tiberius, a flawed Emperor held in disdain by his people, partially on the account he followed Augustus- a savior, a god. He spent his life striving to life up to his predecessors name and when he couldn’t, he indulged his perversions in an effort to feel something, but ultimately “died, old and mad, lost in the pleasure gardens of Capri: not even happy there, as one might hope, but miserable.”

Re-reading books is great and good until it’s The Secret History by Donna Tartt and you realize that just like Tiberius tried to follow in Augustus’s footsteps, Henry tried to follow in Julian’s. You see Richard’s focus shift from Julian- who was at first a savior, a god- to Henry, a flawed student of his who, at his end, is held in disdain by the majority of his closest friends and is lost in the indulgence of his own perversions- his attempts (and, arguable, success) to finally live without thinking.

Re-reading books is great and good until it’s The Secret History by Donna Tartt and you get to the part where Richard asks Henry in his dream, “are you happy here?” And Henry responds, “Not particularly” and you realize that Henry, like Tiberius, had never known peace or happiness in life and certainly not in death and you were warned about it in Julian’s first lecture.

ok so how do you continue a conversation after saying hello

Give me a scene where Persephone begrudgingly teaches Nico some plant magic, a scene where he's absolute ass at it, a scene where Persephone scoffs and wonders why she bothers, a scene where Nico doesn't give up, even though a part of him sneers at the attempt.

Give me a scene where Hades picks Nico up to run an errand and wonders why his son stares at the dirt, a scene where Persephone curiously watches the demigod try over and over again, a scene where it works: a little daisy.

Give me a scene where Nico is crying as more daisies pop up around him because he's so used to death around him, he really thought he was never going to be capable of giving life.

Give me a scene where Persephone softly chides him for thinking like that because in reality he already had given life before, so many times — to that boy who wouldn't have plunged himself into the Styx if it weren't for Nico, to that girl who would have known nothing beyond the fields she roamed, to demigods from both camps alike. Throughout his time in the mortal world, all Nico has done is given life.

Give me a scene where Nico gifts bouquets to Hazel, Reyna, and Hestia, a scene where Nico runs a little flower shop with Meg and Apollo is their most generous patron, a scene where Nico braids flowers into Annabeth's corsage before her wedding with Percy.

Give me a scene that parallels the grass that wilted by Nico's feet when he's grieving for Jason, a scene where beautiful, resplendent honeysuckles, chrysanthemums, sunflowers, and gardenias bloom at the steps of Elysium when Nico reunites with Bianca, with his mother, with Jason, with everyone he missed in the mortal world.

Give me a scene where Persephone muses that even in death, Nico brought life, something that shouldn't have been possible. Then again, she thinks, anything was possible for the son of Hades whose love was so strong it brought the dead back to life.