Artsyflex - Bisexual Diaries

i always apologize for doing some stuff for myself only, for sometimes not considering anyone’s opinion, but then, she is not hungry and i just ask to go to one place, and we go where she wants, i’m not saying anything yet, they don’t serve us there and i’m hungry. once again i ask to go to the place i’m saying and she agrees until she makes a whole drama out of it, because once in a life time stuff didn’t go as she wanted and once again she takes me where she wants, and gets mad at me for not wanting to eat anything from there cuz i didn’t want, calls me piece of shit, ungrateful bitch, and says that i should die. honestly ?i think she is right

When Emily Brönte said "You said I killed you. Haunt me then."

and when M.L Rio said "Here's the thing about lust: you don't have to like each other. Ever heard of hate sex?"

and when Achilles said  “There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw.”

and when Oscar Wilde said "Everything in the world is about sex except sex.  Sex is about power."

and when Donna Tartt said "There was a horrible, erratic thumping in my chest, as if a large bird was trapped inside my ribcage and beating itself to death."

?????????

Those are purely raw emotions.

Passion, love, panic, power and death are an insane combination.

“We read to know we’re not alone.” - William Nicholson, Shadowlands

The golden gloam we can't beg to stay 

Petals are bleeding into the dirt 

Now we watch darkness swallow day

The reaper returns, a price we must pay

Writhing, wizened, woozy with hurt 

The golden gloam we can't beg to stay

Tongues shredded by what we can't say

Moonlight and tears, goodbyes so curt

Now we watch darkness swallow day

Though we'd rebel we must still obey

Our ghosts are sleeping now, inert

The golden gloam we can't beg to stay 

We all have our parts that we must play

Hope is fickle and prone to desert

Now we watch darkness swallow day

The anguish wrapped tight with dismay--

We save the confessions we'd like to blurt

The golden gloam we can't beg to stay

Now we watch darkness swallow day

Dark academia reading list ✨📚

-The Secret History by Donna Tartt

-The Lake of Dead Languages by Carol Goodman

-If We were Villains by M. L. Rio

-Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo

-The Magicians by Lev Grossman

-Metamorphoses by Ovid

-Dead Poets Society by N. H. Kleinbaum

-A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket

-The Hound of the Baskervilles by Arthur Conan Doyle

-Never let me go by Kazuo Ishiguro

-The Bacchae by Euripides

-The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

-Memoirs of Hadrian by Marguerite Yourcenar

-Possession by A. S. Byatt

-Les Fleurs du Mal by Charles Baudelaire

oh my god this is something out of life experience

For my wife, after a near-death experience on the eve of our anniversary

When I tell you I believe in love at first at sight, I mean that every time I look you are a different person. I mean that looking’s not the same as seeing—we’re not static. It’s an hypothesis the sun will rise tomorrow. Every day I see it, and worry is the thief of so much joy, but not of this— that I don’t take it for granted. And when I say “I love you” every time you take the car, I mean not only that we almost hit a moose the other day. I mean it’s easier to write a sex scene than a make-out session. I mean I can’t describe your breath into another mouth, it’s so familiar— and the passion that could make it last forever came from novelty or desperation. So I think about meteors when we kiss. I think of supernovas, blackholes, gamma ray bursts and all the things in space that could vaporize us— every mass extinction event except the Anthropocene because that’s too depressing. I think about there being no god and no heaven and no higher purpose when I look into your eyes and I don’t need them, I just need time to slow down. I’m sorry I haven’t written you more poems, my love, they’re not marketable I think. People like to read themselves into these things and, well you know I like to write them there. But it’s not for me to say— this ‘you’ is only yours. I’ve put nothing on a pedestal that wasn’t my own. And when I ask if you can take a sick day while the kid’s at school, I mean not only that I want to ravish you in every room; I mean it doesn’t matter if we hit those moose or not— I mean that I don’t want us to grow old together, I want to be there when that meteor hits, stopping time forever— I won’t go into that light without you. And when I say “I love you” and “sleep well”, I mean I hope to see you in the morning for the first time. I mean that I would walk a thousand miles in the night to toss a pebble at your bedroom window, lift a boombox and shout: I’ve known you for a century; let me in your life. * * * Written Novemeber 2020.

so i was reading on the road by jack kerouac i saw this quote 

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

and immediately thought of northern downpour by ryan ross

“Hey moon, please forget to fall down Hey moon, don’t you go down You are at the top of my lungs Drawn to the ones who never yawn”

i mean at least i didn’t notice this before

coincidence sir? i think not.

we all know ryan always does this (like rimbaud’s “we must reinvent love” quote) he’s great

ryan ross is a fucking genius and the master of references

Witchcraft 101: Core concepts (energy work)

You’ve probably heard “energy work” mentioned, or at least one of the following terms: grounding, shielding, cleansing, raising, charging, visualising, casting. You’ll see these terms in spells and rituals as well as textbooks and theoretical discussions. There are other posts for theory; this post aims to give a rundown of multiple basic concepts of energy work to get you up and running. (Or at least, to help you understand other posts.) Bear in mind that much of this is personal opinion. Since everyone sees energy differently, in my “how-tos” I’ll refer to energy generally - fill in your own views. 

Also, in my methods, I mention “get comfortable” a lot - exactly what that means varies, depending on what I’m doing and wearing, but generally, stop fiddling with anything, and make sure you’re in a comfortable position, whatever the position is. You could be standing, sitting, lying down, moving, dancing - whatever, so long as you’re comfortable. 

Visualising

What is visualisation?

I consider visualisation to be a core concept to energy work in general. Visualisation is, essentially, thought. It’s imagination and memory and emotions all rolled up into one. (This is heavy on personal opinion, by the way.) Visualisation is what makes your intent for a spell come to fruition; if you aren’t holding your intent (i.e. thinking about/visualising it) while casting it, you can’t expect your spell to work the way you intended it to. 

How do you visualise?

As mentioned above, everyone sees energy differently, and your way may not be the same as mine. My basic visualisation method can be seen in the way I do any time of energy work: I get comfortable, close my eyes and steady my breath, and I focus on feeling and “seeing” the energy around me (I view all energy as white, incidentally). Say I’m cleansing something, my first step is to hold the object, focus on how it feels (is it cold, smooth, rough?) and “see” it glowing with a white light (energy). Then I’ll move onto cleansing it (see below). 

Your method will be different, but you could start with this or look through other posts for ideas. 

Grounding

What is grounding?

Grounding, basically, is all about ridding yourself of unwanted energy/getting your energy in balance. I kind of view it as a warm-up: you’re getting yourself in the right frame of mind and the right physical state before a workout (or spell). 

How do you ground yourself?

Everyone has their own techniques, and in time, you’ll develop yours. This is my routine:

Get comfortable.

Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. 

As you exhale, imagine unwanted energy leaving your body.

As you inhale, imagine the energy you want and need pulling comfortably around you. 

Continue for as long as you like. 

Many people like to visualise different places, or contact with nature. Try different techniques and take what you like from them, and just go with what works for you. 

Cleansing

What is cleansing?

Cleansing is like setting a device back to factory settings, or washing the dishes so they can be used again. You cleanse something to rid it of any unwanted energies - kind of like grounding, but for something that isn’t you. You could cleanse spaces and objects, and it’s generally a good idea to cleanse any items you’ve used before as well as the space you’re using before beginning a spell. It’s also generally a good idea to cleanse anything you use for divination, like tarot cards and pendulums (but I totally don’t cleanse them as often as I should). You can use just visualisation, or you can use tools - water, salt, incense and sage are all pretty common tools for cleansing. 

How do you cleanse?

My method for objects that you can hold:

Get comfortable.

Close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

Hold the item and focus on how it feels - its shape, size, temperature, texture, and scent. 

While holding the item, now focus on how it looks (with or without opening your eyes) - its colour, decorations, the way the light falls/reflects on it.

Still holding the item, visualise energy glowing/pulsing around the object.

Still holding the item, visualise the energy flowing away from the object, leaving it without any glowing energy.

Continue until you feel like the object is cleansed. 

My method for a space, area, or room:

Clear the space you plan on using (physically - move unwanted objects out of the way, pick up any rubbish etc).

Get comfortable.

Close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

Mark the parameters of the space you’re going to use (this can be a whole room or just part of one - just mentally or physically figure out where the “ends” of your spell space are). I generally walk around the edges of my space.

Focus on how the space around you feels and looks - temperature, light, textures etc. 

Visualise energy glowing/pulsing within the boundaries of your space.

Visualise energy flowing away from the space - if you have a broom, you could sweep the area while visualising the energy moving away as you sweep. You could also use incense or herb bundles while visualising energy moving away from the smoke as you move through the space.

Continue until you feel like the space is cleansed.

Warding

What is warding?

Basically, warding is putting up a shield to stop anything unwanted interfering with your spell, tools, ingredients, intent, belongings, etc.. It’s like an antivirus on a device, or a lock on a door. You could put up wards around your spell space, your home, yourself, anything you own, other people (with their consent) - pretty much anything.  

How do you put up wards?

My method for putting up wards:

Get comfortable.

Close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

Mark the parameters of the space or thing you’re putting up wards around (this could be running your finger around a crystal, walking around an area, stretching your arms and legs out to mark the parameters of your body, etc.)

Focus on how the space or thing feels and looks - temperature, light, textures etc.

Visualise energy glowing/pulsing within the space or thing.

Visualise unwanted energy flowing away from the space - like with cleansing, you could use incense or a broom to aid your visualisation.

Visualise “walls” growing up, over and under the space or object. It’s important that the walls connect, and there aren’t any gaps (unless you want to visualise, say, a door that you can enter and leave from). 

Continue until you feel like the space or thing is warded.

Raising

What is raising energy?

Raising energy is like creating or compiling energy with a specific purpose (intent). Up until now, we’ve been looking at ways of using energy to prepare yourself, your environment and your tools for spells - raising energy is a bit different. The energy that we raise has a specific intent, and generally, we want to use that intent somehow - like in a spell. 

How do you raise energy?

There are so, so many different ways to raise energy - such as music, chanting, dancing, walking, laughing, exercising, and a whole bunch of others. You can also raise energy by visualisation alone - as I describe here.

My method for raising energy:

Get comfortable.

Close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

If they aren’t already, position your hands so that your palms are open.

Focus on what you want to happen - your intent.

Visualise energy pulsing from your fingertips. The energy moves over your fingers and towards your palm, where it collects. As you do this, keep focusing on your intent.

Visualise the energy, now in your palm, growing larger and larger. As you do this, keep focusing on your intent.

Continue until you feel you have the energy you wanted, or for as long as you like. 

If you’re raising energy from, say, dancing, you might visualise the energy coming from your feet or body instead - I adapt this depending on the activity, but I always like to have a way to “gather” energy in one area. This could be your whole spell area, or it could be an area like the palm of your hand - whatever works for you and the activity. 

Charging

What is charging?

Charging is drawing on energy from elsewhere and putting it into an object to give that object intent. Think charging your phone, or laptop. You can also take energy you’ve raised and put it into an object - the energy can come from anywhere. People often have specific correspondences for different sources, however - so think about the source of the energy if you aren’t raising it yourself. 

How do you charge something?

Like with raising energy, there are entirely too many methods to list here. Some examples include leaving objects in sunlight or moonlight and bathing it in water or fire. You can pretty much do anything, so don’t be afraid to experiment. If you’re raising energy, you can just put it straight into the object (see the method below). If you’re charging something without raising energy yourself, then you can skip this and consider it charged after as much or as little time as you think works. 

My method for charging objects:

Get comfortable.

Close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

Visualise the energy, now in your palm, growing larger and larger. (This is the energy collected by raising energy, with a specific intent.)

Hold the object you want to charge (with one hand if you visualised the energy going to one palm, or with both hands if you visualised the energy going to both palms) and visualise the energy flowing into the object from your palm(s). Continue focusing on your intent as you do this. 

Continue until you feel that all the energy you raised is now in the object, or for as long as you like. 

Once you’ve charged an object, you can leave it indefinitely and use it in a later spell (though if you’re forgetful like me, you might want to put a post-it near it reminding you what you’re using it for).

Casting

What is casting?

Casting is guiding your energy towards the outcome you want. For me, this is the most important part of any spell - this is when you put all that work into making shit happen. So it’s important to be very, very specific. Don’t just focus on needing a job. Focus on finding a job that is right for you, will help you meet your professional goals (you can be specific about the goals, too) and will meet your needs (availability, hours, pay, travel time, benefits etc.), and finding that job at a time that suits you. This is also where you can really have fun with visualising! 

How do you cast?

My method for casting:

Get comfortable.

Close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

Hold the object(s) you’ve charged, or your spell (if it’s a tangible thing, like spell bags, candles, food etc.).

Visualise the situation you want to happen. As described, be specific. If you’re looking for a job, you could visualise a “you’re hired” email, dated at some point that suits you, with the above information that suits you - the hours you want, the pay you want, etc. Morph that situation into your first day, meeting friendly and efficient coworkers and management, then six months or a year into your new job. Visualise yourself feeling productive, happy, and relaxed. Visualise yourself at a review, hearing that you’re doing well and you’ve made great progress.

Now visualise the energy in your spell moving “towards” that situation. (I like to “keep” the situation in one part of my spell space, usually in the air in front of me, so I can “see” the energy from the spell I’m holding moving towards it. 

Continue until you feel that all the energy from your spell has “made it” to the situation, or for as long as you like.  

Bringing it all together

So, this looks like quite a lot. I promise it’s easier in practice, especially once you’ve done it a few times. Also, remember that this is a post that largely focuses on visualisation - you can minimise effort by charging objects in light or water (aka leaving them on a windowsill for a few hours) instead of by using visualisation to raise power and charge them. 

In practice, a routine for a spell might look like:

Ground yourself.

Cleanse your space, and any tools or ingredients you’re going to use.

Put up wards.

Raise power (you could raise power individually for individual ingredients, or all at once for all your ingredients).

Charge your ingredients (either individually, or all at once). 

Cast your spell. 

Personally, I can do the first 3 in about 5-10 minutes altogether. The last three are more time-consuming, and could take 5-10 minutes each, per item. So a quick, simple spell with no ingredients could be cast in 15 minutes (I would just skip charging and put the raised energy straight to casting). Let’s take an example of a kitchen spell, making soup:

Ground self.

Cleanse space, tools, ingredients.

Put up wards around the kitchen.

Raise power while doing food prep.

Put ingredients in pot.

Charge ingredients through stirring - energy goes into the soup through the wooden spoon.

Leave to simmer and continue charging.

Cast spell by eating. 

When I do kitchen magic, I’m already doing most of this just by cooking. I just add more visualisation in, and put some thought into the ingredients, and I have a spell! 

I hope this helps! You might find my other posts helpful:

The problem with correspondence lists

How to correspondence: food & herbs

How to correspondence: when to spell

What to use: food & herbs

When to spell: by moon phases

When to spell: by time of day

When to spell: by day of the week

When to spell: by month

when i’m about to be happy

you destroy me in pieces

intensions are different,

in tension you leave me

no pain turns my mind into hate

my love is more than i can break

give me peace in this mess that you’ve build

stay, and i will give you more than you ever did.

monolithic love that i’m telling about in my monologue,

it is story for two

and i wasn’t even a drop

in your pool.

academia aesthetics by university major

Literature

Losing yourself in whimsy, drifting somewhere parallel to reality. Passionate, frenzied writing in the heart of the night. Drinking the moonlight. Love letters lost between moments. Birdsong. Quiet looks, filled with meaning. Opinions you don’t speak out loud. Chopin’s Nocturnes.

Classics

A glint in the eye, like they know something you don’t. Books in different languages, scattered across every surface. Red wine, and blood, and secrets. Spirits stirred by the glorious weight of eras past, tongue heavy with the words of dead men. Marble busts of Greek philosophers. Reality dulling against the music of myth.

Philosophy

Milky tea and introspective mornings. Sun filtering gently into a quiet room. Reading in nature, sinking into the sound of the wind, birds or water. Margins filled with annotations. Long, grand hallways and the echo of footsteps. Conversations that last for hours, but feel like minutes. 

Sciences

Notebooks filled with scattered calculations, terms, and theories, partnered with small pieces of flora and miscellaneous clippings. ‘Eureka’ moments. Wild eyes and chewed lips. Lying awake all night, your head buzzing with ideas. Piles of meticulous notes. Hunching over desks in dim lamplight. The feeling of puzzle pieces fitting together. The smallness of humanity, and the vastness of existance.

Fine Art/Art History

Huge, baroque ballrooms with renaissance paintings on the ceilings. Staring up at them until the real world dissolves and the images spin around you. Early spring. Foxes in the snow. Classical music. Vintage teacups, and slow blinks. Laughter covered by fingers. Dancing where no-one can see you. 

Political Science

Fast strides and black coffee. Enthusiastic debates with peers, and discussions with your professor. Pages and pages of notes, scrawled so hastily they’re almost illegible. Running through the night, laughing with friends and going places you shouldn’t. A cunning smile from across a room.

History

Grand old buildings, shadowed with age and brimming with secrets. Old, rusty daggers. Tentative hands and determined eyes. Fingers stained with nicotine and ink. Old books and letters, shrouded in dust, that no-one’s read in a hundred years. Touching the pages, and understanding what it was to be alive in another time, seeing what they saw and feeling what they felt.

(dm to request a major for part two)