— Megan Fernandes, “Do You Sell Dignity Here?” From I Do Everything I’m Told

Something not enough people have been discussing about Oppenheimer is just how accurately they portray what the wonder and awe of physics feels like. I remember watching the thought sequences and near obsession Oppenheimer had with stars and quantum mechanics, and between the visuals and the music, it just resonated *so hard with me.*

The phrase, "can you hear the music?" so perfectly describes what made me fall in love with physics in the first place. It's something so *beyond* the scope of human existence; a hidden score that the universe harmonizes to. I so often feel like movies either downplay science or glorify it to seem less taxing and tricky than it is, but I feel like Oppenheimer found the sweet spot. To quote someone I saw review the trailer, they "made scientists (and for that matter physicists) cool again." Anyways, just thought that was neat and figured I'd share my nerdy little thoughts since there's so much barbenheimer everywhere and I can't seem to find just Oppenheimer appreciation. Do love barbenheimer though.

Dark Academia Subjects: Astronomy

one thing i need to start living by is “become the thing that you want” if i want friends who throw themed parties maybe i should start throwing those parties. if i want someone who writes me love letters maybe i should start writing letters for the people i love. if i want to hang out at museums and pretty cafes maybe i should invite my friends to these places. and maybe even then i won’t find the kind of people i want to be around. but then i would have become the exact person i want to be around. and maybe that’s good enough.

I don’t feel guilt at being unsociable, though I may sometimes regret it because my loneliness is painful. But when I move into the world, it feels like a moral fall — like seeking love in a whorehouse.

Susan Sontag, As Consciousness Is Harnessed To Flesh: Journals & Notebooks, 1964 - 1980

“My ingenious fingers wait when they have found

The petal flesh beneath the robe they part.

How curious, complex, the touch, this subtle art–

As the dream of fragrance, the miracle of sound.”

— ‘The Touch’ by Renée Vivien

[Natalie Clifford Barney published ‘Quelques Portraits-Sonnets de Femmes’, a book of lesbian poetry about love. Her father found out about this and bought the ones that were left to have them burnt.

A few years later, Renée Vivien (a lover of Barney’s) wrote her own lesbian poetry and had it published— ‘The Muse of the Violets: Poems’]

the physics students

as requested by the wonderful @starferns

the chalkboard at the front of the lecture hall, covered in equations and graphs

visualizing a problem in your mind, step by step

cold water with ice cubes and a slice of lemon

diagrams drawn hastily on the corner of your paper, scribbled lines and half formed thoughts

replicating famous experiments and demonstrations

watching youtube videos late at night, picking apart complex theories

having an instinct for force diagrams and direction of motion

rushed, messy handwriting

finding beauty in motion and calculation and precision

seeing the universe as unimaginably small and unimaginably large at the same time

a well-worn grey sweater, frayed a little at the sleeves

equations scribbled on your arm until you know them by heart

studying newton and meitner and plank, all those who went before

talking with your hands, forming the shapes of arcs and trajectories as you work through a problem

long hallways and cold, sunny days

late night study groups

staring up at the sky, knowing exactly why and how the planets move as they do

trying einstein’s thought experiments

an old grandfather clock, pendulum measuring the passage of time

pages filled with calculations and precise strings of digits

"Close your eyes", Paruyr Sevak (translated by metamorphesque)

one day my bookshelves will be filled with penguin classics. one day.

Science Dark Academia Things

staying up late to read one cool paper

which turns into reading another cool paper that the first paper referenced

that turns into getting to lab mid afternoon because you woke up at noon 

staying in lab late into the evening because there’s just so much to do

wanting to be aesthetic, but knowing that wearing nice clothes into lab is a bad idea (:’()

blue light glasses to protect your eyes from strain as you analyze data

going back to lab late at night to rerun an experiment because the data sucked and you have group meeting tomorrow

the wonderful feeling of finally troubleshooting that one experiment correctly

having science idols that you gaze wonderingly at when you see them at conferences

struggling through a class even but you enjoy it because sometimes learning is just hard

students emailing you with questions about the class you’re TA-ing causing you to wonder when you became the Adult In Charge who Knows Things

talking with your PI/ older grad students and realizing that you definitely are NOT the Adult In Charge who Knows Things but that’s a good thing because it means that you’re in the right place to learn

when your NMR shows your expected product and the MS shows high purity (tears of joy)

being the nerd in all your conversations with non-Science people and pulling out fun facts about solubility rules, thermodynamics, or the ultimate crowd pleaser: molecular quantum mechanics

getting really excited meeting another person your age from your field even if your projects are totally different

remembering even that when science is kicking your butt… you’re doing something cool that will have an impact and that no-one else has done yet!

Here is my controversial mental health take of the day: your negative emotions are not the problem, its the way you handle them that becomes the problem. You being jealous that your friend hung out with someone else and didn't tell you, is actually not the problem. It's when you choose to get angry with them, yell & lash out, or passive aggressively do something they hate to get revenge, or when you ignore them and isolate and self harm, those are all harmful ways to cope with your feelings. Rather than react, take the time to validate yourself, because it's normal to feel jealous or left out and chances are that there are deeper abandonment wounds that are triggered here, probably from your childhood. Take a moment to pause before you react. Then try a direct and open communication to your friend instead. Because I guarantee you they'll respond so much better to you opening up a conversation with, "hey, I felt left out when you hung out with so-and-so without me, can we talk about that? And maybe hang out soon?" Rather than the now laborious and torturous emotional work of having to feel guilty for your rage when you lash out or get revenge. Splitting is normal, because who doesn't get pissed off at someone you're close with? Your switching emotions from highly affectionate to devaluation are not the problem. Everyone gets disgusted & hurt by someone they love at some point in our lives, especially small offenses, I guarantee you chances are that person isn't doing it on purpose and would gladly like to know how you feel, these emotions and conversations are normal and necessary for humans to have. But the inability to clearly and directly communicate your feelings and needs to that person when you are hurt is what makes it toxic. You can absolutely learn how to handle your reactions in a safer manner, how to identify when you're feeling hurt, and how to communicate and ask for clarity and resolution rather than react and escalate. Communication is the backbone of every relationship you will ever have. This is what the emotional work of most personality disorders looks like.