How I Broke My Own Heart

How I Broke My Own Heart

At 18 years old, I’ve realized that I have experienced a number of tiny heartbreaks. All of which may even come close to the heartbreak I brought upon myself. By age 16, I knew I broke my own heart. I knew I hurt myself so deep emotionally that I would take years, maybe even a lifetime, to recover.

Have you ever given your heart to someone but they had no idea they now possessed it? Have you ever just happen to come across someone so breathtakingly flawless that you lose yourself in their eyes, or the way their lips form a perfect little smile? The way their tone of voice changes when they speak on a subject they love? Being in awe of someone is potentially the most dangerous thing to do to your own soul.  

I’m still not sure which is worse, giving a piece of your existence to someone, or harboring a piece of theirs. So what exactly is it that breaks one's heart? It’s the little things. The late night talks about stuff that nobody else would relate to. The secret handholding under the table so that your other friends won’t see. Sitting a little too close to each other because any distance is far too much for the two of you.

The adventures that take you to another world. The astonishing rush within you as your lips meet. The indie, maybe even rebellious photos you take of one another. The dances you missed out on to spend another night in one another’s arms.

It’s not the things you wish you could have done together, it’s all of the things that you did get to do. The things you don’t want to do with anyone else. The experiences that you wish you could relive because that, that is when you were the happiest. With them, is when you were the happiest.

I broke my own heart wishing that I still had you. Reminiscing on all of the experiences, laughs, memories and feelings you were a part of, that is what causes heartache. I’ve come to the realization that no matter how many stars you wish on, coins you throw in a well, or eleven elevens you wait to come true, if it is not meant to be, it will not. I’ve been continuously hurting my heart with the little things. The nostalgia is unbearable some days, and that hurts the most.

No matter how many times a day I think of you, I don’t regret a single one. Because of you, I have experienced a true heartbreak. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to break my heart before anyone else had the chance to. For that, I believe that I will continue to be strong. I will continue to gracefully go about my days, with only the thought of you. My first heartbreak was memorable, and now I know not to give my actuality to anyone but myself.