"Hold Me Like Water. Or Christ, Hold Me Like A Knife", He Put It Into Words The Need The Human Desperation

You know what else drives me crazy about The Naked Time? This exchange:

It isn't just because of Spock saying, "Jim, when I feel friendship for you, I am ashamed" or "Understand, Jim. I've spent a whole lifetime learning to hide my feelings." Although, that absolutely is part of it, the fact that Spock is locked into his regret over not telling his mother he loved her and his shame at realizing that, despite all his work to adhere to Vulcan principles, he still feels love. It's that gap between duty versus desire, between expectations versus wants, and what remains in spite of the pressure. (I realize his words parallel a love confession in any other context, between any heterosexual couple, and that fandom looks to his shame as a confirmation of internalized homophobia, but the biggest issue for Spock is that love, sorrow, shame--all powerful emotions--still exist for him. He is not a Vulcan if he feels these emotions and gives into them. He is only a half-Vulcan and half-Human, caught between worlds and the judgments and expectations of two very different societies.)

It's because Kirk changes his phrasing of "We've got to risk a full-power start!" to, "We've got to risk implosion!" Implosion, like many words, holds multiple meanings. The intended meaning is "a violent collapsing inwards," the opposite of explosion. But implosion can mean integration, a coming together towards a single center point. We've got to risk coming together. We've got to risk integration. And Spock responds, "It's never been done." They repeat these lines twice. Repetition is a device to call attention in writing. Why have Kirk say they have to risk a full-power start twice before only to change it to implosion and repeat it twice? The two phrases mean something different, but it's important enough to bear repeating. (One could argue it is sloppy writing, or perhaps a case of actors failing to remember their lines, but what are the odds it was either of those, especially with someone as thoughtful as Leonard Nimoy. Either a writer is a professional who understands the power of words, or everything is somehow coincidental, holds no actual meaning, and writers don't think carefully about word choice and meaning, especially in an era where nuance can make or break a story on the screen.)

In the 1960s, during the time of the Hays Code, of course, two men couldn't be together as a couple on TV or in film, not even in space, in a time set centuries beyond our present. But damn if the dialogue can not hint at it, dance around it in plain sight. Again, Kirk and Spock's relationship must exist in the margins, between the lines, encased in nuance and multiple meanings, because to use explicitly clear phrasing would mean it all gets cut.

Hence, this bit of dialogue. The slaps become Spock catching Kirk's hand and holding it steady--direct sustained contact, a coming together, implosion. Spock is torn between regret and shame and love, while Kirk shouts about the ship being destroyed and ending the lives of the crew, their shared duty to the ship. The dialogue is Spock's turmoil writ large--do what must be done, accept two separate halves becoming a whole (is it Spock's two halves or Kirk and Spock? I'll leave that up to you), or remain apart and give into despair. But Kirk tells him their only chance is to risk implosion, to come together, and they have to take that chance.

Thinking about AOS Mirror!Verse Spirk is fucking me up a little because, canonically, in the prime Mirror!Verse, Spock killed Kirk, tried to reform The Empire, and caused the fall of The Empire in doing so by weakening it to invading parties. This man must regret basically every single thing he did with his life. He thought he was doing the right thing, the logical thing, ensuring the longevity of his world, and all he got was a dead soulmate and a legacy of failure.

And now he’s been granted the chance to tell his younger self to not do any of that. That there’s no saving The Empire from itself, but The Empire doesn’t matter. That killing Kirk would feel like killing himself. That he would regret it every day of his life. That his life will feel so, so content if he just follows this man and his trail of bloodshed through the galaxy.

Torture for him.

Kill for him.

Die for him.

And he will, and he does, and this time when The Empire burns itself out, Spock regrets absolutely nothing.

I'm gonna start going through my Andreil playlist and making more of these

Andrew Minyard Neil Josten

Fanfolks today need to remember how important The Premise was.

Y'all have heard of The Premise, right?

See, historically there have always been people who saw an extra layer of gayness on certain pairs of fictional people (you just thought of several), and people Back Then even wrote their own fanfic (or as they were called at the time, "pastiches"), but the first widespread queer fanwork to really define the fanfiction genre was KIRK AND SPOCK. Kirk/Spock. K/S. The very first slashfics.

Why this work was vastly, overwhelmingly written by straight women is a discussion for another time, but it was, so that's the main perspective I'm gonna consider here.

How do you - a statistically middle-class, 30+, stay-at-home wife and mother - how do you write slashfic ao3-style in the 1960's before the internet?

Carefully.

Through letters with friends, phone calls, pen pals, and sometimes - sometimes - clandestine meetings of small groups. Whole novels were written communally, round-robin style, by sending typed or handwritten additions chapter by chapter to each other. These were all underground, some deep underground; even the early Trekkie fanzines of the time wouldn't touch them.

And keep in mind, few of these stories were explicitly even sexual! But they were all about a very, very close relationship between two men. In the 1960's.

Guess how cool everyone else was about this.

Actually, for their part, Gene Rodenberry and the other writers were fine with it, saying that they had deliberately written the characters to be two halves of a whole, and if you wanna read it that way, yeah sure, go right ahead. Shatner and Nimoy took it all in good humor, and seemingly still do, each guy basically gesturing to the other and chuckling "I mean, who wouldn't?"

(CORRECTION: At least, they did until Nimoy passed away in 2015. Thanks @richie-is-rich!)

But elsewhere there was vicious backlash against The Premise, and not just within the fandom. This was still at a time in the US and UK when various "sodomy" and "decency" laws made no distinction between homosexual sex acts and just, like, directly lighting another man's cigarette with your cigarette in public. (That, sadly, is not a fucking joke.)

It was probably the closest some suburban cishet women came to understanding the pain of being in the closet. They had to protect this secret from their friends and family at all cost. There were cases of divorces where women lost custody of their children because their writing had come to light.

Can you imagine having such a burning desire to write for your OTP that you were willing to lose everything over it? Even if you were never caught, you still had to be willing to wait weeks, months, to receive a letter in the mail that you had to carefully intercept, read in secret, and then add your own chapter t, also in secret, and then send off, perhaps never to be seen again.

These people were goddamn heroes, and they laid the foundation for the world we live in today. A world where we can read, write, comment on, or share - in a matter of seconds! - literature about two background characters from two different franchises enjoying a really specific kink involving vacuums or something. And that's objectively amazing.

Raise a toast to our fanfiction elders, who simped in the darkness so we could simp in the light of day.

Okay yes we know that Andrew sprinted, dashed, HURTLED even, when he saw Neil on his knees even after blocking 150 + attempts on his goal because he loves that man. But also-

It had been Andrew’s idea to put Neil against Riko in the first place.

For Andrew it was reach Riko or die. (Die knowing that his contributing to exy ended Neil’s life.)

also. something about the deadpool movies that i really appreciate is that even underneath all the gratuitous violence and the dick jokes, the characters actually give a shit about each other. it's silly and over the top and chaotic but it's still heartfelt. "why would i give a fuck about the world when my entire world is in this picture." laura's quiet pep talk with logan. logan throwing himself into a bolted metal door over and over again trying to save a guy who's been annoying him since the second they met. wade asking the TVA to fix logan's timeline so he can have his family back and then, failing that, inviting him to come live with him. it kills me. twelve years ago i wanted to see superheroes getting shawarma and then actually staying friends afterward and in 2024 deadpool and wolverine finally gave it to me. i love this stupid silly movie so much dude

i think hozier IS a like a mythical forest creature, but not in the way most people think. like he's a creature who fell in love with a marginalized human person and came out of the forest into the real world and realized how fucked up everything is and tried to do the Prometheus thing of bringing us fire but it backfired and he's in constant battle with the fae gods and now has to watch his human lover die so he's constantly talking about the horrors of the human world, but this is the place that gave him his lover so how can he hate it truly?

unreal unearth has so many echoes of his debut album. "de selby pt 2" and "to be alone" in the desire to kill the lights and become one, "butchered tongue" and "foreigner's god" in the struggles of language, "first time" and a very early interview where he describes falling in love as a death. it's not a rehash - it feels like simply a returning, reflecting on those same themes (and on, perhaps, the same events that inspired them) through new eyes. as a long time fan, it feels like coming home

I keep thinking about the Foxes taking a camping trip and learning that they can never take Neil Josten into the woods. He will 100% regress into a survivalist and Andrew is no help because watching Neil make his own tools to chop down a tree is not something Andrew Minyard is going to stop. Not when he can watch.

“You still don’t know how to sort your wash properly but you’ve domesticated a turkey.” - Allison Probably.

In What Are Little Girls Made Of, there is something so adorable about jim, completely trapped, his only chance to be saved is by possibly planting a false idea into the androids mind, deciding to go with being a prick to spock because that would be so out of character it would warrant looking into