Tagged 10 Musics

Artist Peeve...

Don't know if anyone else has to go through this, but it happens to me a lot.

And that is when I tell someone I write fiction/draw illustrations, they assume those skills transfer and/or that automatically means I'd want to do a COMPLETLY DIFFERENT MEDIUM FOR THEIR RANDOM PROJECT.

Just because I write fiction, that doesn't mean I'd be any good at writing articles. Just because I do illustrations doesn't mean that I can take photographs any better than the average person.

And did it even occur to the people asking-SAYING I should volunteer to do these other skills/activates that if I didn't mention (and show no evidence of participating in), that maybe, JUST MAYBE, they're not skills I have or activities I enjoy, and I most certainly don't want to do with my time, free or otherwise?

AND CERTAINLY NOT FOR FREE!

Me when comparing attractive men with my best friend:

And then this is my response to her picks:

My Female Heroes (in no particular order)

Saint Jeanne d’Arc - respected and revered warrior and military leader in a time when women were treated like chattel, and never backed down from a fight and what she believed in to the very end. She’s my WWJD anytime I feel scared.

Shania Twain - singer/songwriter who crossed genres with music that let me know I could be tough and feminine at the same time (and glad to be a woman). If I had a soundtrack for my life, all her albums would be in it.

Rumiko Takahashi - manga artist/author with one of the longest careers in the business and wrote several stories that are the perfect blend of action, romance, fantasy, and humor. I hope that my stories are able to do the same someday.

Beatrix Potter - author/illustrator who got her literary start and romances later in life. It took her a while to find her calling and community, giving me hope and the knowledge that I don’t have to have my life worked out before I’m 36 (rom com age limit).

The bipolar conversations heard when working in a library:

One minute someone is be thanked for making homemade coffee cake-

-and then two seconds later everyone is in a passionate discussion about decapitation vs hanging.

Basically, this is why working in libraries rocks.

Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

For today I have a parking pass for my place of work and NEVER have to take the bus again! (Unless, of course, my car is in the shop), but other than that!

Never again must I worry about catching the right bus. Never have to worry about being too early or too late. Forced to wait at a bus stop covered in graffiti and unspeakable human fluids in the rain, heat, and snow.

Never again do I have to worry about getting a seat, let alone getting a seat that provides me some semblance of personal space. I won’t have to put my bags on the seat next to me to insure some perv doesn’t force themselves upon me.

Never again will I be forced to listen to other people’s music and ticktock videos, babies wailing, and crotchety old men state their unwanted opinions loudly, as if we weren’t in a confined space and can’t hear them despite our headphones trying to drown them out.

Never again worry about unstable people causing scenes so violent and disturbing and mentally upsetting that I burst into a fit of tears and shakes the moment I’m able to get home and feel safe again.

Never again.

My fictional crush types

While I was working on my writing, I suddenly realized my first crushes have colored all my other crushes over the years. To the point that each of my main writing projects features a love interest that is influenced by said first crushes.

So, naturally, I had to sort them out. For reference purposes.

Pink as a Tragedy

SPOILERS!

I just saw the latest Steven Universe special (so many awesome moments) but by far the best one was finally getting to see Pink Diamond!

I’m sure everyone caught on to how much of a brat the little diamond was (though given her privileged status as diamond, it’s not that surprising). I’d venture to say that she was pretty young (by gem standards) and thus fairly immature. 

Which is probably one of the reasons her death was such an incredible tragedy and blow to the other diamonds.

She was young. 

Probably still a child in their eyes. And it would seem that even for gems, the idea of a child being killed, and in this case, brutally murdered (as far as we know), is an incredibly horrific act. It’s no wonder why Blue and Yellow are still deeply affected by Pink’s death; she was just a kid. She hadn’t even begun to live out her destiny. 

Given Yellow’s exchange with Pink in this episode and previous reactions to mentions of the incident, I’d like to think that Yellow blames herself (in part) for Pink’s demise. Pink was too young, inexperienced, and not mature enough to handle a colony. She was given too much power too soon; she wasn’t ready for such an incredible responsibility and probably wasn’t able to run the colonization as efficiently as her fellow diamonds could have. No doubt if Yellow had been in charge of invading Earth, none of the things in the series would have happened. 

But they did.

Pink was killed, the colony failed, and it’s been haunting the diamonds ever since. All because they indulged a spoiled child and failed to protect her when it mattered most.

Plus Size Stigma - Hetro Pairings

If you’ve read my previous post, concerning the cookie cutter body types commonly found in romance novels, and my plan to subvert them, then you know my “type”.

In a nutshell, I find Asian men highly attractive. And for quite a few reasons, most of which I can’t really explain, and quite frankly, shouldn’t have to. Human beings come in all shapes and sizes and their personal tastes are just as varied.

Sure, I could probably attribute several qualities to certain influences.

I really like Anime/Manga art and those guys tend to be thin/lithe, have no butts, and little to no mouth definition. And Asian men in real life tend to have beautiful cheekbones.

I also grew up with a father who, though Latino, can sometimes be mistaken for a Southeastern Asian man. And I am fortunate to have a father who has loved and cherished me my whole life, and I still respect to this day.

And while it’s hard for me to NOT find any given Asian man attractive, that doesn’t mean they’re my only type. Basically anyone who is thin, lacks a defined butt, has little lips, possesses defined cheekbones, and is under 5’10, I’m going to find highly attractive. But they don’t have to have all those features for me to find them attractive.

But there are two features that instantly turn me off. And no, they weren’t influenced by the media.

I have two male relatives to blame for my instinctual aversions.

As a little girl, I was constantly on edge around these two men. Because they had violent, unpredictable tempers. And growing up, I witnessed and was the focus of several outbursts from them.

I never felt safe around them, even when someone else was there.

So in my child brain, I connected safety - when concerning men - into two camps.

Short, thin men were safe. Because my father, who I always felt safe around, was short and thin.

Tall, large men were unsafe. Because those two relatives with the dangerous tempers were over 6 feet and on the large side.

So what’s the problem I face?

It’s that by traditional media and body positivity advocates, I, as a plus size woman, am not allowed to find big guys unattractive. And subsequently, not want to date them.

The media says, “what fit man is going to want you, a fat girl? Never mind that you eat right and do martial arts. The fact that you’re healthy doesn’t mean a skinny guy is going to give you a glance because you aren’t a size 2.”

The body positivity advocates say, “how can you have such double standards? You’re a plus size woman. It’s unfair for you to reject guys just because they’re plus size, too. You’re buying into the media’s propaganda.”

And it makes me feel guilty. Even though logically I know I shouldn’t have to be.

Plus size men end up with thin women all the time. So why is the opposite rejected?

And does that mean I will never find love or have to force myself to change when I shouldn’t have to in the first place?

3 Quotes of Mine (that pretty much sum up everything you really need to know about me)

“I would say Akhenaten is one of my least favorite Pharaohs.”

“I thought a ‘Vote of no Confidence’ was just a Star Wars thing.”

“I’ll put the bullets underneath the zebra cakes.”

(And yes, I have actually said all of these out loud in conversations with other people)

Things Fundamentalism Robbed Me Of:

Growing up in a radically conservative Christian household, there were a lot of things that weren’t allowed. It wasn’t until after leaving the “faith”, and then taking time to fully deconstruct things, that I realized just how negatively it affected me.

Part 1: Special Interests

I’m autistic. And part of my autism is having special interests (that I obsess over to a degree that most neurotypical people think is ridiculous). But for me, my special interests bring me such joy and excitement and pleasure in my life. A lot of the time they’re what helps me get through a tough day (and quite frankly, a tough world for me to live in).

When I discovered anime and manga, it was like cotton candy for me. The art styles, the animation techniques, the manga layouts, the characters, the vast array of generes, the easy to understand emotions portrayed - it was like this entire type of media had been designed just for me.

But one look at it, and my mom forbid me from watching and reading any of it. Because it was too “demonic” or “sexual” (EX. Inuyasha-taking major inspiration from Japanese mythology. Sailor Moon-for showing off too much skin). Basically, it wasn’t Christian, and thus, sinful.

Part 2: Body Image

Another special interest of mine is fashion/costume design. Growing up, though, it was subjected to strict guidelines. All because I had to make sure I wasn’t causing a “brother in Christ to sin”.

Which, as a person who went from children to adult sizes almost instantaneously, not to mention grew into a curvy girl, made clothes even more of a touchy subject.

All of my outfits had to be inspected by my mom to make sure they weren’t too tight or revealing or even have a print that was too suggestive, before they could be purchased.

Because of this, I was never able to feel pretty. I was never allowed to think of my body as attractive, let alone sexy.

Whenever I designed outfits or costumes in my sketchbooks - using a very curvy model as a way to feel like my body could be beautiful if given the chance - my mom would tell me to “fix” them because they were too sexualized.

Part 3: Cultural Identity

I’m a proud Latina woman. My father and his family immigrated to the USA when he was a kid. Spending time with his side of my family are some of the happiest memories I have.

But because of the radically conservative beliefs of my parents (or maybe just mostly my mom’s, since I can’t recall if my papi ever setting any of this taboos), I wasn’t allowed to celebrate Día de los Muertos.

This may seem like a small thing, like not being allowed to celebrate Halloween (which we weren’t allowed to do either, and for the same reason as Día de Muertos), but when I found out about it as an adult, I was heartbroken that such a beautiful tradition was banned because it was deemed “pagan”.

In Short:

I was robbed of so much because of fundamental christianity.

I can’t help but wonder how my life would have been different if I had been allowed to embrace major aspects of myself: my autism, my body type, my heritage.

Part of me is always going to mourn the years I lost. And I wish, more than anything, that I could go back and tell my younger self - the little girl who lived in fear and was forced to live by beliefs set by privileged white men - that one day, she would be FREE.