Intro

My comfort space

How to Slowly Stop Being Sad

~ From my collection: School Award Winners ~

Repeat it to yourself that you're not really useless

And feel the comfort in knowing that everyone else has done this

Repeat it to yourself that you won't stay in bed

You're just a work in progress

You're just an artistic mess

Who's meant to be missed

A little bit

-

Repeat it to yourself that this is just comatose

You've come close to dying

But you're not quite there yet

-

Tell yourself that you got up this morning for a reason

And then believe it

Because it's true

Tell yourself that you're worth something

And that you'll be someone's special something someday

And that that day will come sooner than you think, okay?

-

Go out for coffee and thank the barista using her name

It's more personal that way

Then watch her smile

As you slowly start to walk away

Go to the park

And think of all the nights you've stayed in the dark

Wondering where your spark was

Take the long way home

And let yourself be alone

Not because you're lonely

But because you want to hear the soft drone

Of the crickets

And the soft blinks

Of the fireflies

As they pass you by

On the sidewalk

You used to cry on

Get home and make a drink

Hot chocolate

Or tea

Preferably

Let yourself sink into a chair or a bed

And then let yourself gently fall asleep

With a smile on your face

And a calm in your head

Even though you feel spent

-

Because you've made it

You've made it

And you will always make it

As long as you try

It gets better with the day and the night

And as life whizzes by

And your spark comes alight

You will soon realize

You've slowly lost the penchant of crying

Oh, for You to See Yourself How I See You

~ From my collection: School Award Winners ~

“I’m so sore, my stomach hurts, and life’s gone up

in flames”

“I passed out in my classes and said “Ma’am I was up late””

“I haven’t eaten much in a few weeks and I feel dazed”

“I’m counting all my numbers and counting on losing weight”

-

For every word that’s spoken here, it hurts me to my core

For everyone deserves the love they want and so much more

For bodies don’t define your strength, or wit or all your scores

For beauty blooms from inside out, that trash goes out the door

-

I hope you know you’re worth it and even though it feels so wrong

I hope you know that someone out there hears you in their songs

These earbuds that I carry play the tunes that make me think of you

And make me hope that the next time I see you is so very soon

-

Cause you are gorgeous, smart and true

You turn the skies from black to blue

You blow out all the clouds

And enter sunshine, gloomy day’s anew

-

You sparkle like the evening stars

Poking in through the sunset 

You blush and turn your head 

And ask if I could maybe be done yet 

-

But darling I could ramble ‘bout your beauty in and out

Of days and weeks and from all of the rooftops I would shout

That there will never be a more kind and gentle soul

That I will ever have another privilege yet to hold

-

I wish that you could see yourself in the way I see you now

The gentle movements, graceful laugh that makes me really wonder how

Your illness could escape you, ‘cause it serves just to change you

I’d wrap you up in both my arms so hopefully you’d stay through

Dear Body

~ From my collection: A Flood of Colors ~

Dear body, I’m sorry

Dear temple I’ve been told to love, I am terrified

Dear mind I have been made to believe is marvelous, I am mortified

Dear feelings I have forgotten to fester in, I fear for what you would do to my safety

-

Dear kitchen counter, can you count the meals I’ve skipped?

Dear refrigerator, do you remember how many times I’ve opened you only to rear backwards, sick?

Dear trash can, the chew-spit champion, I am so sorry I’ve wasted so much with you

Dear disposal, how many snuck-in meals have you ground through?

Dear body, didn’t we used to be friends?

Now, you scare the shit out of me

I’ve been made to despise you

Until we’re both so sick that it ends

-

Dear body, I want to love you

Like a boy desperate to hang onto a girl he’s grown out of

Too-Scared-to-Break-Up with kind of love

I really, really tried to

Dear body, I’m sorry

Dear bedroom floor, how you’ve caught me in my falls

Dizzy on the carpet from standing too tall

Too fast, to much, exercise burned it all

Till I’ve got nothing left and I’m cold

-

So I call on a friend and I rant

It does nothing

I’ve got it all out in the end

But I’m bluffing

-

I don’t want to get better

I only want the energy

I’ve written my letters

And in them I’m so sorry

Dear body, I’m sorry

Dear body, forgive me

Dear body, please carry me

And help me to live

-

We can run it till it breaks

Like Bonnie and Clyde

A selfish little body with a masochistic mind

I’m scared of getting better, but at least can say I’ve tried

Pirouettes in the Kitchen

~ From my collection: A Flood of Colors ~

Recovery is pirouettes in the kitchen

Even though I can barely land back in fourth position

Recovery is looking down my legs, seeing the muscles within them

And trailing my fingers down their definition

Recovery is pirouettes in the kitchen

Recovery is letting the emotions back in

And that includes the psychosis and depression

I swear I can see them

Recovery is pirouettes in the kitchen

Recovery is watching the sunshine rise

From my front yard, shielding my eyes

Because it is so damn bright

I can see again

Recovery is pirouettes in the kitchen

Recovery is a five foot three rambling spree

Who isn’t as obsessed anymore with seeing their ribs through their tee

I think I can start again

Recovery is pirouettes in the kitchen

Fiction

~ From my collection: School Award Winners ~

Why is it that my brain tells me

That the only way I'll be listened to

Is if I create a masterpiece, a monument

A piece of me in art?

-

That my words don't really matter

Unless they tear someone apart?

That a beautiful creation

Might just get someone to listen,

But to them it's never serious

And it's all a work of fiction

Hurt

~ From my collection: Song Rewrites ~

Breathing hurts, but drugs still work

My friends are out of town

‘Cause there’s rain on the roof, on the railing there’s proof

It’s a place I’m not allowed

Used to tell me how to feel

Now you're scared that I’m skipping meals 

Your promises were mine to break

That heart of yours was mine to take

-

All this “What could I do?” 

Where were you when I needed you

Cards are on display

I’ll love you either way 

All I do

Is want to heal

All I do 

Is want to heal

Breathing burns, I’ll get to work

I’m insulting the Earth, tell me why does this hurt

‘Cause I’ll never get clean, at least that’s how it seems

What you thought of at first, I was never that girl

Used to tell me how to feel

Now you’re scared that I’m skipping meals 

Your promises were mine to break

That heart of yours was mine to take

-

All this “What could I do?” 

Where were you when I needed you

Guns are out, ablaze

I’ll go out either way

All I do

Is want to heal

All I do 

Is want to heal

Take the blame, then I cry 

All the scars that I hide

Just for you to get high 

On the rule of your life

But you live in your shoes

All the knees that you’ve bruised 

-

All I do 

Is want to heal

REWRITE OF:

Sugar Free

~ From my collection: A Flood of Colors ~

The year of Skinny Pop and sugar free Jello cups

I hunched over a bathroom toilet and begged it to stop

I knew it was bad but I couldn’t give up

Cause the voice in my head said that this will bring love

-

In the year of rice cakes and white diet Monster

Of sugar free gum and arguing with my sister

All I could do was stare holes in my mirror

And hope to dear God that it shattered

My senior exams were ruined by fatigue

And Anorexia so bad it could have straight killed me

I’ve written like twenty apologies to my body

But I don’t think it ever quite hears me

-

And why would it, I’m a liar, but I’m not Phoebe Bridgers

It’s not in a hot way, and I’m never sincere

So I bitch, and I whine and I cry about it

And I wonder why I’m even here

In the summer of hidden scars and shorts pulled down low

And psychosis so bad I didn’t know home

I would sit there and wait for it all to roll over

And use all this “failure” for an excuse to skip dinner

-

Cause the man downstairs doesn’t like me much

And the one out my window likes to sucker punch

So I lay and I blame it on anxiety

And wait for the day that they get to me

I chew sugar free gum and I’m scared of the outside

I’m eating more now but just last night I cried

Convinced that by morning light I would have died

I just want to get out of my mind

-

I think I might be out of my mind

A Day in the Life

~ From my collection: To Be Loved ~

Soft mornings of love songs, powdered blush and a gentle breeze

Of ballet skirts and skin and banana toast

Morning sex turned into cuddles and nothing but sweet, genuine adorarion

Faces held by shaking hands and soft smiles on softer lips

Days spent with cargo pants and cars, scrambled eggs and legal papers

Of overused fans and sweat and a handful of curses

Daydreams running rampant behind focused eyes and messy hair

Paper cuts and scratches and scars to kiss later

Nights faded into soft orange lighting, friends’ voices and pixels

Into sleepy voices and video calls and quiet laughter

Dirty jokes seeping into the purest of love

Falling asleep to the sound of peaceful breathing and AC and static