I Love You Giving Me The Illusion Of Choice When You’re The One Entirely In Control

This amount of restriction is interesting to me but I really don’t like hands behind the back. I just get spooked for some reason. But the gag plus the rope looks like an appealing combination.

I think you already know that I would do anything to earn it

Tying you to your bed and making you stare at my cock till you drool. Jerking off while you watch because only good sluts get to feel it and you haven't earned it yet.

it was a bad day

I’m trying something new. My default reaction to unfavorable outcomes is to damage control the bad emotions quickly and put as much distance from the situation as possible. To me, the negative emotions that I may experience are ephemeral, and if I just give myself enough time, they will naturally resolve with minimal effort. I imagine that’s why I have such a difficult time viewing journaling as an effective coping method. It immortalizes a bad experience when all I want to do is forget about it.

With that said, I think there are some valuable things to gain from doing it, so I want to attempt it here. Today was a bad day. Realistically, I think there have been various bad events recently that aggregated to make today feel really shitty.

1) I was rejected from Stanford and Boston University. At no point in this process did I think that I would get accepted to Stanford so I was mostly unfazed by the rejection. Boston University, however, did feel within my reach so getting that email stung a little more.

2) there’s been this relentless feeling of having so many restrictions/limitations on doing the things that I want. Between frequently getting held up at work, the days being shorter, needing to balance my time between friends, family, and my boyfriend, I just get the overwhelming sense that there aren’t enough hours in the day. 3) I feel like I should be improving in so many aspects of my life, but I’m not. I told myself that once I was done with my secondaries, my schedule would just open up and I’d be able to do all the things that I’d set aside in favor of prioritizing medical school. And yet here I am with no secondaries to do but still feeling like I’ve made no measurable progress in certain arenas of my life. (2 and 3 feel related)

4) I continue to struggle with getting my relationship with my sister to a place that I’m happy and comfortable with. Because of that, time devoted to her and my nephew sometimes leave me feeling agitated. This agitation can then extend to my parents. 5) I went in for my annual physical and I got my covid booster and flu shot. The shots in combination wrecked me and left me feeling physically ruined for about 48 hours. After the aches and pains subsided though, I developed a sore throat that has been lingering. Mild enough to not be debilitating but significant enough to annoy me. It’s not the end of the world, but thinking that I may be sick during the Orlando trip is probably upsetting me more than I want to admit. 6) I broke a nail and I got a hole in one of my favorite shoes 😕

All of these things in combination resulted in me reacting poorly to a rather trivial situation this morning. While I was on the phone with my boyfriend during my commute, my mom called to do our morning check in. I answered her and she proceeded to vent some of her frustrations about my sister and her divorce. The conversation was brief and I quickly called my boyfriend back. I had it in my mind that I would tell him the details and he would weigh in on the situation with his opinion. Especially considering that last night we didn’t get a chance to talk about some of the things that I wanted to. But the conversation was steered in a different direction and I found myself frustrated at how asymmetric the conversation felt. At the time, I was simmering in my frustration, unable to redirect the conversation to a place that I was happier with, withdrawing more and more as time went on.

At the time, I blamed the outcome of the conversation on my boyfriend’s personality, citing that his ability to mobilize his thoughts quicker than me allowed for him to dominate a conversation and fill it with endless thoughts of his own choosing. Now I realize that while that may be true, it’s hardly the entire picture. A conversation doesn’t end like that because he can think of more to say in a quicker timeframe. It ends like that because I never make it known to him that I have something that I want to say. No person, not even the love of my life, is responsible for knowing what I want at any given time. It is my responsibility to make what I want known. The difficulty that I have with being able to ask for what I want is a different beast and one that I’ll be saving for a different journaling attempt. But for now, I’m happy to have identified something that needs improvement.

So it was a bad day. But I’m glad that it was because it means that we have work to do. But it also proved that the two of us are in this together to do that work. That is exactly the kind of relationship I want ♥️❤️

this is what edging feels like to me. It’s like I’m standing on this precipice and at any moment something you say or do could be the thing that tips me over the edge. If you touched me tonight I would probably cum instantly

Imagine keeping yourself in low sustained arousal all the time... Waking up in the morning and finding your thighs wet and sticky, your chest being sensitive to the lightest touches, being one teasing comment away from ruining your underwear at any moment? Exactly how you're meant to be.

I want him to tie my legs apart, hold a vibrator on my pussy and then slap my sensitive clit <3

and other times, there’s this 👹

when they're loud as they cum. moaning, groaning, breathing heavily. let me hear that my holes are bringing you pleasure. let me hear that using me feels so good you're gonna shoot your load inside of me or onto my naked body. let me hear you, i beg you.

I think I remember you telling me at some point that you don’t find boobs (or really any part of the body) inherently arousing. Which makes me think that you’re less aroused by the body itself and more by the position that the body is in. So let’s make a slight modification to this:

*I send you pics of me kneeling with my tongue out and my hand in between my legs and you send me whimpering audios of you jerking yourself off to it.

Date idea: I send you pics of my boobs and you send me whimpering audios of you jerking yourself off to it.

I never really saw the appeal of gags until meeting you. I think I shied away from them because of the uncontrollable drooling aspect, which gets messy. But now I realize how much I love being reduced to a mess for you. It feels humiliating? Degrading? (Still parsing out the differences on those ones) but it feels like one of those things and I love it. I don’t know when I became so addicted to being your toy.

Yes to the ring gag. I always want you to have as much access to me as possible. I also think the visual component of seeing my tongue is something you like. So the question is when are we getting one?

I need this gag

I’m kneeling at the foot of sir’s bed, naked, tongue out, with a dildo buried in my pussy. He’s sitting cross legged in front of me. Casually observing me as I struggle not to cum. He sees my struggle and adds to it with with the occasional finger against my clit or pinch of my nipples. The stimulation makes it almost impossible not to cum. He knows this but challenges me anyway. He knows I won’t cum without his permission. That’s what makes me his good girl.

Because he wants me to be. Because whenever he asks me to present myself in a way that pleases him, I do it without hesitation.

1 day

4. the first two were as he was going down on me with a finger buried inside me. With no words I couldn’t communicate in my usual way. Frantically repeating “I’m going to cum.” This only brought me closer to the edge. The last two were with the dildo. Sliding forward causes it to press against my walls and the friction is almost too much for me.

Yes I’ve been good. I’ve been working so hard to please sir by presenting myself so prettily to him. I keep myself in the kneeling position that he wants despite the discomfort in my knees and ankles. I’ve been so obedient and haven’t cum despite how much I want to. I’ve continued to keep my tongue out while writing my responses no matter how much I drool. All because sir wants me to.

Not anything, but I would give a lot. I would trade edges for an orgasm. I would give up the dildo for a month. I would promise to not touch myself for an entire month. I would trade 30 flogs. I’m sure if asked, I could come up with more options.

I shouldn’t if it isn’t what sir wants. If he’d rather keep me denied while he’s on his trip so I’m extra horny and needy when he gets back then I shouldn’t cum tonight. I also put my tongue back in my mouth when I shouldn’t have which requires punishment. That could warrant me not coming tonight.

You want to try public play? Let’s start here:

What are you doing right now? Describe the scene.

Why are you in this situation?

How long has it been since your last orgasm?

How many edges has it been? List them out.

Have you been good? How so?

What would you give to have a chance to cum?

Why should you not?

Don’t tell me. Tell them.

Tongue out as you type, please. 😘

God this one is so appealing, and I don’t have a total understanding of why. It’s hard to explain how I can like sex with you when it’s very methodically discussed/agreed upon and I can also like sex with you when there’s less dialogue and there’s instead just one person taking charge and having their way with the other. My best guess is that there’s a deep feeling of safety that I have with you that even when you’re treating me like your toy, I know it won’t be in a way that harms me.

i dont know man. Either way I’m super turned on now and I want this real bad. Another pro of not having roommates is that this becomes achievable 👹

touch me like you own me. come up behind me and squeeze my tits while we're cooking. flip up my skirt whenever I bend over, slide my panties to the side and wet your fingers there. put them in my mouth afterward. make me spread my legs and show you my pretty cunt while you work.

just, treat me like your favourite toy