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How?

How could I tell him my aesthetic is crying in beautiful places and that I think tenderness is a virtue?

He is a man of science, not romance. He loves flowers and watches them bloom, but doesn’t seem to value his own growth.

I like how he kept me warm at night, but his silence was so cold. Yet, it wasn’t personal.

He clearly has thoughts racing through his mind, but no ache to share them. No need to exchange ideals and penetrate each other’s gray matter. I wanted our brains and our bodies to merge.

I can’t address any of this with him, for it’s only met with cynicism. A know it all, who knows me not.

Standing in line waiting for my turn at the register fueled me with a desire to run. I walked out of the store with less time than I walked it, and that was the only change involved.

I wonder why no one is calling me. Checking on me. Wanting to hear my voice, smell my skin, or feel my hair on their face. The screen on my phone stays dark except for when I check for someone’s attention that isn’t there.

How has this become the soundtrack of my life? Silence and sobs. These are the constant sounds of my day to day.

How much longer can I endure this? How much longer will I have to? How?

(9.29.18)

Woke myself up screaming during a nightmare. 😔 I tried to calm my heart down but it took a while, even while watching my breathing.

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EXPOSURE | SEASON 1 - YouTube

EXPOSURE | SEASON 1 - YouTube

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Chapter 23 - The Achiever

So there I was, the night before my birthday at work, and one of my friends asks me, “was 22 a good year?” Immediately my first instinct is to make a slick comment, but then I thought to myself, “was it?” I realized in that moment all the things that made it great and what could have made it better. A large part of that is in following my dreams and committing to my own personal growth. I want so badly to be extraordinary, and during the year of 22 I was, but in very ordinary circumstances. Next July, I know that I will surpass who I was at 22, but be closer to the version of myself that far surpasses my wildest dreams. Set a goal. Work toward it. Accomplish. Repeat. I am an achiever, and today I celebrate all my past achievements and all of the progress I will achieve from this day forward. To this year of achievement. 23.

Midtown Meeting

“You must be the person you have never had the courage to be. Gradually, you will discover that you are that person, but until you can see this clearly, you must pretend and invent.”

Paulo Coelho

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