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No Apologies

Plot: A young woman makes a big decision... That she certainly doesn't regret. "No Apologies" Starring Arielle Diaz Directed by AJ Lovelace Music by KVNG Zuz...

Here it is!

Spinning

That’s what I felt myself starting to do. Spin. Emotionally I was unraveling and I knew this wasn’t going to be pretty. The spiral of separation anxiety and depression was now unvavoidable and it had pulled me in.

Nothing I was feeling mad any sense. Dance. Die. Dance. Die. How is that I simultaneously wanted to dance and die... Ah, I get it now. Both of them looked like freedom to me.

I was flying, right down the highway. My music loud and my body swinging around behind the steering wheel without a seatbelt. Maybe I’ll crash. Maybe I won’t. But maybe I will. Why are these thoughts plaguing me, when all I want is to feel better?

“Come to the door! Let’s go to a wild bar!” I couldn’t decide where I wanted to land. I just didn’t want to feel. First glass of one, chugged. Second glass of wine, chugged. Third glass, never finished. At this point I was dancing to the appropriately leveled music, wanting it to be louder so I could drown myself out. The last voice I wanted to hear was my own. I never made it to the bar, but I was clearly trying to turn this living room into my own dance floor.

Finally I was coming down. The concert inside me was on its last performance, which was going to be a somber ballad. My eyes were wet, but no tears were making it down my cheekbones. “Don’t forget me.” Last text of the night. An indirect reminder that I might leave it all behind. I’m tired now, and this couch is wide open... I’ll just rest for a bit.

Morning came in cool and forgiving, the same could not be said of me. I felt the pangs of sadness floating around my chest. I didn’t want this feeling to consume me, so I rushed home. No mistakes were made last night, but I certainly didn’t feel good about how it all went down. At this point I just want the spinning to stop.

(10.20.17)

YouTube

EXPOSURE | SEASON 1 - YouTube

EXPOSURE | SEASON 1 - YouTube

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