“You’re Going To Die,” Lucien Said. “I’m Aware Of It Every Moment I’m With You.”  

guys GUYS GUYS THIS VIDEO OF THIS PERSON WHO IS RECORDING THE ACOSF AUDIOBOOK .... NESTA AND ERIS TF

@ recordedbooks on instagram

Ok ok so hear me out

Prompt- basically one where Nesta and Cassian didn’t mate at the end of of ACOSF, never even slept together. Nesta just ends up giving in and agreeing to train or work in the lib and eventually becomes ‘apart’ of the inner circle and does magic and shit for them or whatever.

And cassian of course is overjoyed because nesta is part of the fam now and he keeps trying to play with her or rile her up (like the old Cassian did) back to his old self now that she’s doing what they want but because nesta was forced to submit she’s just a shell of a person, doesn’t want to argue with him or anyone, just does what she’s told. And now cassians beginning to really panic (as he should) because he just wants her to be happy

Love your work btw <3

Did someone ask for ✨Angst✨

Nesta learned young that the world wanted silence from women.

Yes, she had been a woman then. A girl and then a woman and now … a female. Pretty dresses and panting creatures who thought with the parts between their legs and a list of rules she never wanted to follow. The only difference in this life was that it would never end.

The Fae claimed to be different, well, the hypocrites she was surrounded by claimed to be different.

The humans rapped her knucles with hard wooden switches and pulled her spine up straight and sat her on the shelf like a pretty little doll to be silent decoration. They demanded silence and a pretty smile.

Feyre and Rhysand and their merry little court put a sword in her hand and sent her to war even as they demanded the same thing. She was allowed to speak and sweat and curse as much as she pleased. She was allowed to be wild as Feyre always had been, but still they expected silence.

Silence where it mattered.

Nesta found her spot in this court when she started to learn from Elain. When she noticed that no one bothered her no matter how far she fell, how depressed she clearly was, how haunted her eyes looked. No one yelled or locked her away or claimed to hate her. You could not hate a person who never said what they thought.

It was a different kind of freedom, Nesta supposed, to be completely numb. To watch your own too long, too graceful fingers slip past this beautiful, hazy possibility you once clung to with battered knuckles and a warrior’s spirit.

They never commented on her drinking now, though it was worse than it had ever been. Feyre giggled and set bottle after bottle between them on a coffee table as she prattled on about her mate and her baby and whatever new way the world was set to end this time. Nesta smiled now as she never had before. Smiled and nodded and made a well timed joke between sips of pink spiked summer water and Feyre never noticed.

How proud she was of herself, of the warrior sister she plucked from the slums and gave a purpose.

Nesta wore the dresses Rhysand gifted her even though the softest silk felt like sandpaper against her skin. She ate at their table and fought all of their battles and it was almost tolerable.

Living like a tiger in one of those roaming circuses. Not free, not allowed to be what it was born to be, not allowed to revel in its pouncing nature, but … secure. Fed and managed and perfectly fine.

She was perfectly fine.

“Nes is going to kick your ass pretty soon if you don’t get back in the ring, Rhys,” Cassian joked one night as he peeled sweat-soaked leathers from his toned body. Tossing them to the floor, treating the House like his maid the way he always had. The way he would have no reason not to.

“I could kick his ass now,” Nesta said on cue and without inflection. That was her line. Cassian baited Rhys and she flexed the muscles she let him train into her body and agreed with whatever he said.

“It would be a waste for Nesta and I to ever spar with fists.”

Nesta swallowed. She had no line for that. No witty response for mention of her party trick power that was only allowed out on Rhys and Feyre’s command. Cassian swooped in, convinced it was a lasting sensitivity he must save her from. “As long as none of us play her in cards,” he joked.

Nesta rolled her eyes and laughed how she was supposed to.

It wasn’t until later that night, long after the sun had set, when she was drinking her way through Rhys’ rapidly declining supply of good whiskey, that she realized her mistake.

The numbness only worked when no one looked too close. And no one ever cared to … except for him. He always looked too close.

“Mind if I join you?”

“Of course.” Maybe that was where she went wrong. Being too amicable. Somewhere, in a deep echo chamber where she kept all her true thoughts locked away, Nesta knew that she would never acquiesce without a snarky comment. She didn’t have the energy to find that line. And why should she? Everyone but him was fine with this.

Cassian sat too close on purpose, pressed his knee against hers and took a long drag from her glass rather than getting his own. He refilled it and licked the side before giving it back to her.

Nesta took a sip from the other side. His eyebrows knitted together.

“Still insisting on all this fabric I see,” he grinned lecherously, picking up the gauzy end of her nightgown. “Feyre and Mor don’t take you to that fun shop by the rainbow?”

“They do,” Nesta nodded, eyes fixed on a spot in the distance.

“Maybe you would let me join you next time?” He smirked, bicep brushing up against her shoulder.

“If you would like.”

“And you can try some things on for me?” Nesta nodded as she took another sip of her drink.

“If you would like.”

“And then we can go behind the store and fuck like animals in plain sight?”

“If you-“ Nesta paused, mind catching up to the words she had been tuning out.

“There we go,” he sighed, moving back and sinking into the chair beside her. “There was actually life in your eyes for a second there.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

Cassian leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Talk to me, Nes.” She hated when he called her that, hated the softness he insisted on cloaking her with in his own mind. “What’s wrong?”

Everything. “Nothing.”

“That’s bullshit!” Nesta winced, because the last time Cassian said those words to her …

“I’m fine,” she forced a smile. “Really!” She couldn’t go back. Couldn’t go back to being locked away and cut off and terrified. She couldn’t go back to being desperate and under their control all the time.

“You aren’t fine,” he whispered. “You barely even seem like yourself, Nes.”

“Exactly,” she felt her eyes spark for just a second before dousing them in cold water. “I am better now.”

Cassian only blinked. “Better?”

“Just like you all wanted.”

“We didn’t want a shell, Nesta!” His voice rose, cracking at the top in a way she had never heard.

“Of course you did,” she shrugged. “Everyone is happy this way, Cassian.”

“I’m not,” he shook his head, eyes going wide with the realization of just how empty she was now.

Typical Cassian to change his mind just when she gave him everything he wanted.

“I am sorry to hear that.”

“Nesta what the fuck?” He nearly toppled out of his chair, falling to his knees with an audible crack. Nesta raised her legs up and hugged them to her chest to avoid contact. “Nesta this isn’t … where did you go?”

“I am right here,” she smiled her new smile. The one that danced like a reluctant spirit on her lips and would never reach her eyes.

“No,” he shook his head. “No this isn’t … this isn’t you, Nes.”

“Of course it is,” she shrugged. “It is exactly the me you told me to be.” Even her accusations sounded like sleepy sighs. “Train or go to the human lands. I trained. Live here or go to the human lands. I lived here. Play nice or be cut off. I played nice.” Nesta looked up, past his eyes instead of into them. “I followed all your rules, Cassian. You don’t get to change them now just because your favourite toy is broken.”

Look guys I wrote a whole story in my head this morning about Nesta leaving Velaris and marrying someone else, because I was upset that SJM’s version of “I don’t write first time scenes,” derailed what I would consider to be more important, as in Nesta having a serious relationship before she gets into another serious relationship that is tied by some magical unforeseen bond. 

I have thought of a lot of scenarios for this, including but not limited to a man who owns a ship, and asks Nesta to travel with him, but she gets so seasick she doesn’t go. A dancer type who she ends up having the threesome with. A serious farmer. A musician who writes her songs, etc. SO many. I could write a fic of the people she dates. 

But in this scenario, maybe after all these men, Nesta marries for money. She’s aware of the precariousness of her position, and just as she’s been raised, she husband hunts, and she marries without anyone knowing. 

Keep reading

Would you consider a part 2 for the fic where nesta just does as she’s told? Maybe where Cassian confronts the inner circle about it?

Pretty please <3

I’m not sure this is the closure people are looking for from this but uh … this is what came out. Sorry everyone.

Feyre rolled her eyes before Cassian could even finish speaking. It wasn’t like her, to be so dismissive. But that look in her blue-grey eyes, so alive that it twisted his gut thinking of the shade, it was pure dismissal.

“Listen, Cass,” she sighed, as if speaking to Nyx when he wouldn’t finish his mushed up sweet potatoes. “I … I don’t know what went on between you and my sister in the war. I know that she pushes your buttons and I know that you two have your … whatever it is, but just because Nesta doesn’t want to play that game anymore doesn’t mean anything is wrong with her. She’s finally herself again.”

“No she isn’t,” Cassian insisted. “She’s … I don’t know, faking it. Going through the motions. She’s -“

“Healing,” Feyre said with yet another sigh. “She’s healing, Cassian.”

“She’s numb, Feyre. And I swear to the Cauldron if you sigh at me one more time-“

“You haven’t known her as long as I have!” Feyre crossed her arms over her chest, clearly fighting back a fucking sigh. “You didn’t know her when she was young. Before we lost everything …” Feyre swallowed hard, shifting on her toes. “This is what she was like. Free, unburdened, quiet. I’m sorry that you liked the version of her that was bitter and afraid, but that wasn’t her. Not really. This is her.”

“Bullshit,” Cassian spat. “You said it yourself months ago. Nesta is like a wolf who never got to be a wolf. If she acted like this when you were rich humans it was only because she thought that’s what the world wanted from her!” Cassian knew Nesta. Feyre was her sister, had known her longer, but Cassian … Cassian knew her. In his bones, in his soul, the piece of him that was … not missing, that wasn’t how to describe it. The piece of him that was reaching. It knew. He knew.

This was not Nesta.

“Even if that is true,” Feyre sighed, “it just proves my point. She is healing. Finally. It took me so long to remember who I was again and Nesta … she’s been through so much. We all have.”

Suddenly, Cassian understood why Nesta snapped when he tried to shove stories about Rhys and Feyre and their special little journey’s down her throat.

“She. Is. Not. Ok.”

“She is,” Feyre spat. Hands tightening and jaw clenching. “She is fine. My family is finally together and happy and I won’t let you ruin it because she won’t fuck you, Cassian!”

Cassian stumbled back three steps. Feyre’s hand flew to her mouth. “I didn’t. Cassian I didn’t mean that. I know-”

“It’s fine, Feyre.” Cassian held his hands up in surrender. “I get it.”

And he did.

He should have gotten it a long time ago.

It was never about Nesta or her behaviour or her power. It was about Feyre, it had always been about Feyre.

Rhys’s plan, the insistence on training, it wasn’t about Nesta.

Nesta never wanted to be a warrior. She said it herself, there are other ways to be strong.

The plan … the entire plan had never been about Nesta.

It was about Feyre.

Fixing Nesta when she was never broken.

Creating impossible choices.

Using him to manipulate her.

No one had ever cared if Nesta got better. They only cared that Feyre was happy. That Feyre had her family. That nothing upset Feyre after everything she went through.

And the worst part of it all was that Cassian couldn’t even blame anyone. He couldn’t blame Feyre for wanting to believe that everything was finally fine. He couldn’t blame Rhys for doing all of this because … he was doing everything he could to protect his mate. To make her happy.

The same thing that Cassian was supposed to do for Nesta.

He was supposed to be the one on her side the way Rhys was on Feyre’s.

Complete loyalty.

He was supposed to protect her, and instead he broke her.

Failed her in every way a male could possibly fail.

Nesta Archeron had lived through a war, had removed multiple heads with her bare hands, had been shoved into the freezing waters of good and evil and creation itself and had her humanity ripped away.

But none of that broke her.

None of that was the worst thing to happen to her.

He was.

This is way out of my comfort zone, but for all you Nezriel lovers... here ya go! Nesta vs the Buffer - Part Two (18+)

Nesta had been about to extinguish the little lamp beside her bed when the door had knocked. She wasn’t sure if she had heard it correctly, the brush of knuckles had been so gentle like the sweep of the wind.

A male was at her door, dark head bowed as she opened it. Azriel’s hazel eyes flickered to hers.

‘Have you been sent to kill me?’

A crease pressed between his brows. ‘Do you think I would knock if that was the case?’

‘Well, you are very polite.’

It struck Nesta that they had never really had a conversation, just the two of them before. They had spoken, sure, but usually as part of a group or if other people were present. He was tall in his own right; not as physically imposing as Cassian, but he reached as high as the door frame. A thick sweeping of hair fell across his forehead. She’d always thought him the prettiest.

They stood in a strange stalemate. Two of her neighbours were arguing in their apartment; it was a common occurrence she had found out, though only occurred late at night. It would go on and on. On the second night, she had knocked to see if the female shrieking needed help – only to be told by both of them to mind her damn business.

‘Are you here for a reason?’

Azriel swallowed. A shadow eclipsed him briefly. ‘I suppose I wanted to see if you were okay.’

‘Why wouldn’t I be?’

That dinner had been downright awful. Right from the start where she had tipped mushroom soup over herself and ended up wearing a dress that was too risqué, from being told the wrong time, for being forgotten and overlooked, all the way to her little eruption at dessert. None of it made her too embarrassed – except perhaps asking Varian if he slept with Cresseida. That was maybe slightly too far.  

‘Can I stay here tonight?’

‘What?’ Nesta’s voice blurted, far too loudly. She tightened her dressing gown around her body then shifted back a step.

At her reaction, Azriel had grimaced slightly. ‘I continued what you started at the restaurant tonight. I don’t want to speak to them. And I know this is the last place they would expect me to be.’

Her apartment became a refuge for the shadow singer. When duty called, he returned to the inner circle. That wall of ice that surrounded him would not yield. He reported back to Rhys, winnowed wherever he had to for missions, but in his free time, he could be always found at Nesta’s apartment rather than spending another moment in their company. He didn’t share what happened at the restaurant. Nesta didn’t particularly care. She had said her piece and left the door open for him to swoop in

It was startingly easy to move around him. They orbited each other silently. Nesta might go out for a few hours, returning with a new book or Azriel would bring hot food with him from a café in Velaris. They never squabbled over using the bathroom, they ate the same food, had the same tastes, and were content to be in a reserved quiet. He didn’t get in her way, didn’t take up too much space. She only bothered him to offer him a drink or snack. Azriel always tidied the blankets on the couch each morning though Nesta doubted he slept much. Sometimes she could hear him, treading almost silently around the living room. It was only because she was still awake herself that she ever heard him.

One night when he’d knocked on late, she’d handed him a key, blinking at the bright lights in the corridor. ‘I’m sick of getting out of bed in the middle of the night. Let yourself in from now on.’

His eyes had passed over the key like Nesta had given him an heirloom. The pad of his thumb stroked along the collar and the bit. ‘Thank you.’

Another week passed with quiet conversations. She saw him only in the moments before she went to bed. A bat by looks and by nature, she had said, drawing a smile from him. Nesta liked those smiles because they were so rare. She had yet to see the shadow singer throw back his head in full-bellied laugher or to even show his teeth when he grinned. Azriel guarded himself carefully. It was a practise she knew very well.

Perhaps that was the reason why, that in such short space of time, they had warmed to each other. Nesta did not pry. Azriel did not either. He read reports. She read her books. She cooked. He cleaned. Sometimes he would disappear in the middle of the night, leaving the door on the latch, coming back before dawn, but Nesta didn’t interrogate.

‘Not that I want you gone, but I have to ask how long you do plan to be here for?’

A shadow danced near his ear, but Azriel swatted it away like a fly. How long will you remain angry with your family, she wondered. Would an equal measure of five hundred years dull the pain?

‘What I mean is, I feel terrible that you sleep on this dreadful couch. At your great age, it must play havoc with your back.’ A slight smirk from the shadow singer sent a wave of pride rushing over her. ‘If you planned on a long-term scenario… We could find another place with two bedrooms.’

‘You’d want to live with me?’

‘Why not? We already are.’

‘I don’t know,’ he said, threading a hand through his ebony hair. ‘The others tell me to loosen up, to lighten up, to be louder.’

A cocoon of silence always followed him. He never rushed his words or said more than he needed to.

‘I like you as you are,’ Nesta admitted.  

Something charged passed through their gaze. Nesta felt it spike in her veins like a spark. Shadows blurred him from view so she took that as her cue to go to bed.

***

‘Why do you leave the room when I light a fire?’ Azriel couldn’t keep the question in. He had been staying there for almost three weeks now. With the arrival of colder weather, he’d fought against his revulsion for fire to keep the apartment warm for them. And every time that first tendril of flame had come to life, Nesta would depart to the bedroom. ‘Is it my hands?’

He kept his hands balled into fists, the scars taut over his bones. Nesta froze in the doorway to her bedroom, a book clutched to her chest. Instinct had her gaze darting to his hands then she shrugged. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

‘My hands,’ he repeated, the words unsure on his lips. He hated this. Hated drawing attention to them.

Nesta drew nearer hesitantly. She set the book down on the small table. ‘I don’t know what happened to your hands. I don’t have an issue with them, Azriel.’

Azriel tensed. He had thought all the sisters knew. The story had been given wings in secret as if it would spare Azriel’s feelings if they all knew without him having to share the story.

‘What happened to your hands?’ Her voice was gentle. It was the gentle tone Nesta only ever reserved for Elain. Firmly, she caught hold of each hand and pressed them both between her own. It was the first time that somebody hadn’t examined them, hadn’t tried to cast an inconspicuous look upon them when they were the topic of conversation. She had acknowledged them, but hadn’t given them value. He was more than his scars.

‘My father and his wife kept me imprisoned in darkness for years. My brothers poured oil on my hands then lit them.’

The words were rough. He’d told the story only once before – over five hundred years ago when he had finally trusted Rhys and Cassian enough to share it with them.

Azriel could not look at Nesta. Could not bear to see if she was about to inspect his hands. He braced himself for the words that so many said. They were words that ruined him, no matter how well intended they were – have you seen a healer? Can they not be glamoured away? Why don’t you wear gloves?

Nesta merely squeezed his hands tighter with her own and said, ‘I cannot be near a fire because when it cracks, I am back on that field. I am watching the King of Hybern break my father’s neck. When I hear the logs split, I am waiting to die at the hands of the king.’

Not all scars could be seen. What his blood had done to him had ruptured a part so deep that it would never heal. What Nesta had been exposed to in the war festered in her chest too.

They had showed their insecurity to the other. It was strange to let her in – strange to let anybody in, least of all the cold and imperious Nesta Archeron.

On the couch, they sat in silence. He allowed Nesta to look at his hands without hiding them away. Her fingers found patterns in the brutal scarring rather than being repulsed by it. Azriel was sure that there wasn’t a scar that she hadn’t touched. If she was faking it, hiding her disgust, she was a good actress. Even Mor had always faltered slightly before touching them as if they might catch and her unblemished hands would be ruined.

Every time the fire spat, Nesta’s body would tense. She’d grip onto his hands until she had coasted through the wave of anguish. They were each other’s anchor that night.

The following morning, they did not acknowledge the moment they had shared. Azriel wasn’t even sure if he had dreamt it. A mutual trust had grown between them without realising. He found himself watching her butter toast with an expression that anybody else might read as severe. Nesta always looked as if she was scrutinising something even if she wasn’t. Her smiles were there, but locked away. On the rare occasion that Azriel had prised a genuine laugh from her, it bathed him with warmth. She would tip back her head and screw her eyes shut. Her laughs were beautiful.

He postponed his trip to Illyria slightly. Nesta had made them both breakfast, unexpectedly, and he was too guilty to leave it untouched. They had sat together at the narrow table tucked by the kitchen, eating in a peaceful silence.

‘I’ll be back before dinner today. If that’s alright?’

‘I won’t complain,’ she said.

There was a note in her voice that gave Azriel pause, gave him a reason to drink her in a minute longer. He thought of the way that she had cradled his hands last night. The gentle side of her that so rarely saw the light of day. How she had leaned on him for support – and he’d been happy to steady her.

‘Then I’ll come back as soon as I can.’

‘Good.’

In one syllable, Azriel’s mind raced. One syllable had him postulating over a thousand different outcomes.

Shadows enveloped him, prising him away to Illyria. The prickles that covered his body whenever he reached his homeland seemed softer today, wrapped in silk rather than iron. He glanced down at his hands as if remembering the feel of Nesta’s fingers there like she was following rivers on a map.

‘I’ve seen that look before,’ a low voice murmured.

Azriel snapped his head up, jerking away slightly.

‘No,’ Rhys breathed in awe. ‘I caught you by surprise. Five hundred years and I have finally made you jump.’

Azriel rolled his eyes. ‘It won’t happen again.’

‘So, who is she? What beguiling female has put that dreamy look in your eyes?’

His shadows curled around him, whispering that they would strike if he wanted them to. They had always protected him.

‘Where’s Devlon? Let’s get this over with.’

Rhys did not drop the subject as they marched across the windy paths of Windhaven, pausing occasionally to inspect the sparring rings they passed. ‘One day, you will finally bring a female home for us to meet.’

‘Keep waiting.’

Cassian dropped out of the sky with a heavy thud. At the sight of him, Azriel felt hot and sick all at once. He kept his face trained on the young male nearest them who was examining weapons.

After their rooftop argument, Cassian had given him the space that he knew he needed. When the time was right, he had sought him out at the River House, likely after arranging with Rhys to summon him there. Cassian had been genuine with his apology. Whenever their paths had crossed since, his brother always begged him to come back home. To the House of Wind. To the River House. Just to come home.

Yet, when Azriel had asked Nesta if Cassian had apologised to her for hurting her feelings – for letting Mor come between whatever had been budding there - she’d folded her arms across her chest and said no.

‘I don’t want an apology from him. I don’t want anything from him.’

That memory diverted his guilt into righteousness. Nesta had held his hands only – and she had every right to do that. She was not promised to Cassian. Azriel was not tangled with anyone. They were friends. Friends doing nothing wrong. Still, he couldn’t manage to look into Cassian’s eyes for very long.

The day was busy examining new recruits. Their days would follow a similar pattern until the worst of the winter came, Az knew the schedule well. They’d visit each camp to see what lecherous males each camp lord had recruited that autumn then they would assess the likelihood of any of them making the Blood Rite the following year.

‘Come for dinner,’ said Rhys. It was an order rather than an invitation.

Cass slung an arm around his shoulders. ‘We can make a night of it. Mor’s not there. She’s in the Continent still.’

The reproachful look from Rhys hadn’t faded quick enough for Azriel to miss. Mor had cried on the roof, apologised, said she wanted to be his friend. Like a bucket of water had been thrown on hot coals, any lingering feelings for her had been extinguished. More than anything, Azriel was a fool.

For years, he had nurtured a hope of them. He thought perhaps she still needed time. Needed time to meet new people after a youth spent in captivity, after what her family had done to her. Time to explore the world, time to have fun. It had not mattered to him how many lovers she had taken to bed. On the occasions that she blew hot and cold towards him, he was always unable to figure Mor out. She would invite him close then push back. He blamed it on her past, blamed it on her mother and father. Often, he blamed himself too. She would not see him as anything more than a lesser fae savage so Azriel held back. Once, he had tried to confess how he felt.

The memory of that day was scarred into his mind; of confessing that he knew he was unsuitable for her, but he still wanted her. Without a word, Mor had walked away. A bastard lesser fae savage whose father hated him enough to lock him up. The shame had burnt him. That shame of daring to believe that Mor might have given him a chance – that any female would risk sullying themselves with a male like him.  

Each time that Mor flirted with his brother, those feelings wilted more and more. Cassian was like him – and that was what he could never understand. They were both Illyrians. Both bastards. Yet Azriel was somehow less worthy of her touch. He'd blamed it on his hands, blamed it on the shadows that made others uncomfortable. Then he’d even thought that maybe he had imagined the soft smiles and loving touches that she gave to him; that he was so desperate for Mor that he was creating a love story that didn’t exist.

‘I didn’t want things to change,’ she’d wept on the roof, gripping the buttons of his shirt. ‘I like how things are between us.’

Those words had cracked the ice. She liked him to be her shield against her family, against Eris. Azriel had been her knife too. But she did not want him. She would use Cassian to put him off regardless of the strain it put on the brothers. That was what she liked, because the alternative was facing up to the fact that for five hundred years, she had let him believe he was not worthy of her rather than being honest. She would strike out at Nesta because she realised that Nesta would take away the one barrier that stopped the truth from leaking out.

‘I have places to be,’ he said coldly.

***

Azriel was one the most difficult people to read that Nesta had ever encountered. When he had arrived home that evening, tension had bracketed his body. It wasn’t unusual. It didn’t offer anything to his mood.

She was learning to observe his shadows. Sometimes they were excitable, moving quickly without restraint when Azriel was in a more playful mood. Other times, they stayed close by to comfort or to protect. Tonight, they were gone. Nesta didn’t know what that meant.

They ate quietly. Azriel did not divulge on his day, but he had thanked her for cooking and asked how her own day had been. Nesta had been into the city. The male had insisted on providing coin for his opulent lodging of the broken couch, so she had spent some money on wooden children’s games to occupy the time with the approach of winter. Nesta was happy to find that many were similar to mortal games she had played with servants.

‘You don’t want to play cards with me,’ said Azriel after his shower. His dark hair was damp and curled around his face. ‘I cheat.’

‘You’re a very honest cheat,’ she acknowledged, shuffling the cards. ‘Since I have no other company, you will have to do.’

They knew similar games and established rules. It had been a long time since Nesta had played games. She thought of the elderly servant who had seemingly always been a part of the household staff when she was little. Somehow, he had learnt sleight of hand tricks. Nesta had believed it to be faerie magic and would watch in wonder as he’d always guess what her card had been or how he’d transform her card into a toffee for her to gobble. He’d had a hacking cough, veiny hands, and grew thinner each time Nesta sought him out in the gardens. One day, he never came to the manor again. When she’d asked her father, he’d simply said the servant was gone.

‘Why do you keep glancing over your shoulder?’ Azriel’s eyes narrowed. ‘Are you expecting somebody?’

She bit down on her lower lip. ‘I’m trying to work out how you cheat. I keep thinking there will be a shadow behind me, spying on my cards.’

‘They don’t make you uncomfortable?’

They were a part of him. ‘Of course not.’

Once games became tiresome, Nesta asked the male about the Blood Rite. She had purchased books about Illyria to better understand that part of the land. Their training was brutal, lives were short for many. She couldn’t fathom dumping a child in a war camp. It reminded her of baby birds that were pushed out of the nest and forced to fly. Many more didn’t.

‘These ones,’ Azriel said, gesturing to the whorls of black ink running over his bare arms, ‘are standard for most warriors. They’re associated with luck and glory. After the Blood Rite, males receive more in a ceremony. Bodies are flagging but you have to stand up for one more night of drinking and tattoos. That’s the final test.’

‘You have those?’

Azriel nodded, eyes searching her face. ‘You receive more depending on your status. The three of us touched Ramiel so we received the highest honours.’

‘Show me them.’

***

Obliging, Azriel pulled off his shirt. Nesta’s eyes canvassed his chest, tracking the details in the ink. Wrong. So wrong. Their conversation was minimal as she committed the hard planes of his body to memory. Both of them knew they were crossing a boundary tonight. From Nesta’s fervour, as she touched his skin, Azriel surmised she didn’t care.

Fingers traced the whorls with an intensity that a scholar might brush the letters of an ancient text, seeking answers. Her knuckles tracked up Azriel’s neck and he lifted his chin as she reached his jaw.

‘What do you want?’ His voice was a quiet warning in the dark.

A muted smile was his response. ‘You’ll make me beg for it?’

Azriel followed the pattern his thumb drew on Nesta’s collar bone, the daring sweep of it below the cut of her gown. His eyes flickered back to her. ‘I want to hear it from your lips.’

Wanted to hear if she was brave enough to voice it. Wanted confirmation that it was not just him getting lost down a path they never should have wandered down. Wanted to know that he wasn’t wasting his feelings once more on someone who didn’t value him.

Nesta brushed his hand aside. She appraised him with the same steel look that she had given to every high lord in the Dawn Court meeting.

In a swift motion, she straddled his lap. Now, she was the one pushing him to his limit. Seeing how brave he would be. A hand stroked against his hair then it was holding him in place.

‘I want you to kiss me.’

So, he’d obliged. Nesta had leant forwards and everything had felt as if it was moving at a different pace. The fire’s movements were slow and sluggish. The world even stopped turning on its axis.

They had moved too fast. Azriel’s lips crushing against Nesta. A flush spreading up her cheeks as he kissed down to her neck in a fevered motion. Her hand had raked through his hair, dragging his mouth back to hers.

Her hips had circled his lap. His hands curved around to grip her waist, to help the motion that was undoing him. Nesta’s soft moans were a beacon to him, calling for more.

It was a mistake. Every kiss, every tantalising touch was a mistake. He should have stopped.

She’d been confident, tugging him to the bedroom, hands gliding up his bare back. She hadn’t said stop when he lifted her against the wall, kissing so deeply time halted. Hadn’t protested when he’d roughly pulled her dress off, not when he’d run his scarred hands over her beautiful body.

He hadn’t known. Hadn’t realised she was a maiden until he had given the first thrust, felt her body shudder around him, the sharp spike of her breath against his ear. He’d seen the blood after and nearly vomited. He should have been softer. Shouldn’t have rushed straight into bedding her. Shouldn’t have pressed his body so tightly to Nesta’s that her hips ground into his skin. He’d crossed a line. His mind buzzed with a thousand feelings, a thousand scenarios.

Revenge. Was that what Cassian would think? Some sick payback for him sleeping with Mor all those years ago?

Nesta leaned over the bed, fumbling for anything to regain her modesty. He couldn’t let her think she was a pawn in a game of vengeance. Azriel rushed to the bathroom, found a cloth to soak with tepid water. He hesitated from cleaning her himself and instead pressed it into her hands.

 ‘I didn’t know you were a maiden.’

Why was it worse that she was? Because Azriel knew how the others would view it when it came to light. Knew that for a once-mortal female, this should have been special and he had been rough with passion.

‘Not anymore,’ she muttered.

Azriel faced the wall, allowing Nesta the privacy she deserved. He heard the slide of a drawer then a night gown being pulled over her head. He fixed her with a look. ‘Did I hurt you?’

For a fraction of a second, her face faltered. ‘Just at the start.’

His chest tightened at the admission. ‘Sorry.’

Azriel knew he should leave. Knew he should not have ever come to her apartment. It had been a dangerous game, right from the start. Night after night, they’d edged further down a path that there was no returning from with their growing companionship. But if he left and never came back then Nesta would think she’d been used. That had not been his intention. Never would be his intention.

When Nesta tugged the sheets from the bed, balling them up to hide the blood, Azriel started on the pillow cases too. It was a way of atoning. Remove all traces of the illicit night they had shared.

‘You don’t need to do that.’

‘I want to,’ he murmured.

Silently, they stripped the bed then placed fresh sheets onto it. Nesta didn’t ask him to stay in her bed and he didn’t want her to.

He flew as far as he could, to the furthest reach of Illyria. He had well and truly fucked up everything.

***

Any soreness did not linger. Nesta found herself unable to concentrate without memories of her night spent with Azriel pulsing to the surface. Heat flooded her body when she remembered the way he had moaned against her skin as he entered her. Her breath shuddered each time she recalled the flicker of his tongue against her ear.

When she imagined her first time with a male, it ought to have been a wedding night to a bland mortal man her parents had arranged for her. As a fae, the vision had shifted to a fantasy of a dreamy male who loved and cherished Nesta. He’d have lit candles around the room, proposed maybe, scattered petals and moved his hips a few times until he found release while she had lay beneath him like a plank of wood.

Her imagination had disappointed her. It hadn’t been able to conjure the thrill that Azriel’s hands had. Hadn’t crafted the same pounding excitement when Nesta had taken control and climbed onto his lap. It was more intimate than anything she could have dared to dream. The shadow singer had caressed all of her, unable to settle on one place he wanted to touch. Desire had been the tinder and want the flame. They’d moved together in waves finding pleasure in each other’s bodies. There had been no reluctance or shyness, only lust.

She supposed she would not see him again. The white horror sheeting his face when he had realised that she had been a maiden was enough to deter him. It would be a secret warded in the dark whenever they were in shared spaces.

@canvashearts

The Deal - Chapter One - Summer

ao3 - master post

as promised, chapter one today, even though the cost was my writing 6k words in an afternoon RIP me i thought this was going to be a lot shorter lol. enjoy!

---

When Nesta awakes, she knows she had a peaceful dream, she is in the House, and Cassian is by her side. She nearly smiles, more content than she's felt in living memory--when slowly, but not scarily, she remembers.

The scrying yesterday...it had left her mind bare and vulnerable and the Cauldron had taken advantage. She doesn't feel the pain now, but remembers that she felt it. Cassian, still asleep in the chair, had come in because of her screams. And...Rhysand?

Cassian rouses soon after, asks her how she's feeling. What is she supposed to say?

"Rhys is going to join us for breakfast," he tells her.

Nesta tries not to make a habit of swearing. But fuck.

He had, it must be said, comforted her last night. Left her in peace. Even though she was too tired to look, she knew the place was beautiful. She felt warm and safe and her pain had been entirely forgotten. Generous, she supposes. He had not needed to do that. But it's not as though they're friends now. Nesta knows what's coming. A lecture--at best. A reprimand for letting her magic run amok, for endangering Cassian and Azriel and maybe even the priestesses, for being so out of control she needed someone else, him, to come and pull her out of her own mind. It'll probably just be to scare her. They won't actually chuck her into the Prison. But that's where the threats will go, she's certain.

The peace of her dream fades completely by the time she trudges into the dining room. Cassian is there. And Rhys. They both stand when she enters.

"Good morning, Nesta," Rhys says. "How are you feeling?"

Nesta narrows her eyes. Cordial...even pleasant. "Fine."

"Glad to hear it." He smiles at her. Real, not mocking.

Nesta keeps her hands at her sides when she sits. Cassian chooses a spot next to her.

"Coffee or tea?"

"Nes is picky. I'll get it." Cassian flashes her a grin, which she doesn't return.

Buttering her up for something, that's clearly what this is about. But what?

Cassian and Rhys make idle conversation, accepting her short, one-word answers and not making a fuss over them. Cassian does nudge her until she's eaten to his satisfaction, though, but the smothering ends there. It's not how she'd like to spend her morning, but it's not too bad, until--

"Cass, could you give me a moment with Nesta?"

Cassian squeezes her thigh under the table and nods encouragingly at her. Her heart skips--for him or Rhys, she does not know.

---

Nesta's eyes are precisely the same shade as Feyre's, and yet always appear different. More gray. Lifeless, or afraid. Rhys has never seen her smile.

"I want to offer you something," he says.

Nesta's face tightens. "You want to offer me something?"

"Something I offer everyone. And I...had not thought to offer it to you. I apologize."

Nesta's brow quirks. He grimaces inwardly.

"I know that you've...experienced a lot of pain," he starts, in a careful voice. She freezes anyway. He continues, undeterred, "I can take the pain away. If you want."

Nesta's head tilts to the door, where Cassian is waiting outside. She shifts her gaze back to Rhys--not lifeless, not scared, but intelligent. "You can take it away?"

He nods slowly. "I can...make you forget."

It's something he offers them. All of them. All the females, when they come here. But he had never really considered Nesta a female who had come here, even though it was his idea to bring her. She was always something else entirely. His mistake. But he can right it now.

"You can make me forget?" she repeats, as she's been doing this whole morning. She frowns a little, different than her usual scowl, more curiosity than ire. Then she sucks in her lip, eyes widening. "Yes," she says. "Yes. All of it. Do it now."

"All right," he says, calm. Most females turn him down, too frightened, but Rhys doesn't judge either way. He isn't sure what he expected of Nesta, honestly. "It won't hurt. I just need you to lower your shields--"

"No," she says, standing. "I mean...all of it." Her eyes, the most beautiful eyes in the world, stripped of any joy, stare at him with such urgency. Her hands clasp themselves tightly in front of her lips--pleading. "All of it, Rhysand."

His lips tug down. "Yes, I can make you forget it all--"

"All of it," she insists again. "I mean everything."

Rhys nods. Sometimes, even for the females who want to have their memories erased, the idea of anyone seeing them is too painful to process and renders them inconsolable--but then he realizes what she means.

"Nesta," he says, slowly, carefully. "I don't think--"

"You don't understand," she says, hands slamming down on the table. "You--if you saw--look," she says, shields dropping entirely. "Look."

Rhys raises his head, and he does.

He braces himself for the pain he felt last night, but this is entirely different. It's so much worse.

Were he not already sitting down, Rhys thinks the wave of self-hatred that falls over him would knock him over.

It all hits him--over and over again, worse than last night. Some of it is there, yes, but clearer. The woman is her grandmother, beating her. The man is--ugh--Rhys physically recoils as he sees Nesta's fanciful ideas of love with this man, so young, so hopeful--and how he had ruined that, how he had stripped it away from along with her dress and her dignity--

And how all of it is tied to love. Such deep, unending love...for Feyre, for Elain. It's all intertwined, it can't be severed from her being.

He sees the rest, but he does not look. He knows enough.

"Nesta," he says, gently, pulling out of her head.

"You're not going to do it," she says, eyes lined with silver. "I don't believe you. You're actually not going to--then leave! Just leave!"

"Nesta, wait," he says, raising his hands. "I didn't say I'm not going to help you."

"But that's it, isn't it?"

"You don't want to lose yourself like this. You love your sisters too much. Trust me, it's worth it."

"You...why did you even offer?" she asks, voice shaking. "You weren't going to help me. And know I'm just...if I were anyone else, you would do it. It's only for Feyre that you don't."

Rhys hesitates. She's right. If it were anyone else, he would let her start her life afresh, quietly, peacefully. But she is Nesta Archeron, his mate's sister, and there's something to fight for here. "All right," he says. "I'll make you a deal."

"I don't want to hear it," Nesta says immediately, but Rhys pushes.

"Give me two months."

Nesta crosses her arms over her chest. Her eyes still shine with unshed tears. "For what?"

"To prove to you that you don't need to do this."

Nesta shakes her head vigorously. "I'm not living like this for another second--"

"One month."

"No--"

"Two weeks."

"Don't you understand what you're asking me? Don't you see how I live?"

"One week," Rhys says firmly. "One week. If at the end of the week, you still want this...I'll do it."

Nesta pauses. She wipes her eyes, then narrows them at him. "You'll do it all?"

"You have my word."

She sucks in her lip again. "What will you tell them?"

"Leave it to me," he says. "They won't have any say. I'll do it...if you give me this week."

Nesta stares at him, face once again devoid of emotion, as she considers without letting him in on her thoughts. But he knows what she'll say. That's why he started with two months, bargaining down.

"All right," she says, finally. "One week. I'll do it. And then...you have to wipe my memory clean."

"If you want," he adds.

"Yes."

The magic seals the bond between them; Rhys feels it make its mark upon his skin. He lifts his left palm: three stars, at differing heights, like the Night Court insignia. Nesta purses her lips, and Rhys stifles a grin. Hopefully she won't mind it so much by the time the week is over.

"The week starts now. Spend two days here," he tells her. "I'll come get you on Tuesday morning."

Nesta looks up from her palm. "And take me where?"

"Don't worry about that. See you in two days, Nesta."

He strolls out of the House, keeping himself leisurely while in Nesta's line of sight. Clapping his hand on Cassian's shoulder, he shows him his other palm.

Cassian swears. "What did you do?"

"I've got work," he says, ignoring him. "Stay here with Nesta. Don't leave her for two days. Don't irritate her too much."

"Oh, that's rich. She actually likes me, you know."

"I know," Rhys agrees. And without another word, he takes off into the morning.

---

The next two days pass without any word from Rhysand. Nesta doesn't see anyone else besides Cassian. They train together on the roof, but more of the stuff she enjoys than what he says is important. He's teasing, but doesn't rise to her testing bait. In on Rhys' plan, she supposes, though he doesn't mention it at all.

He spends the first night in her room, in the chair he had slept in the night before. They don't mention it; they both pretend it's normal. He asks her if she'll read him any smut. She chucks a mystery novel at him. They go to sleep.

The next day is much of the same. Not unpleasant, but not worth living life.

"You're going somewhere," Cassian says to her on the morning of the third day.

"How do you know?"

He points to the trunk packed at the foot of her bed in answer. "Shame you won't have any good-looking roommates coming along with you." He grins at her.

Nesta turns away from him, bending down to look at the trunk, to hide her face. He had stayed in the chair, ready to protect her from herself, but he had not joined her in her bed.

"Do you know where I'm going?" she asks, the contents of the trunk too diverse to pinpoint any one climate.

"No. I've been here with you. But you'll find out soon enough. I like the dress you're supposed to wear today, though," he says, pointing to wear it hangs on the wardrobe.

When Nesta is washed and changed into the lilac chiffon daygown, and breakfasts with Cassian in the dining room, Rhysand walks in.

"Ready to go?" he asks.

She glances at Cassian. "Yes."

With a wave of his hand, the trunk, brought in by Cassian, disappears. Rhysand waves them out onto the veranda. Nesta's stomach clenches--they'll have to fly. She had forgotten.

But neither of the males seem to notice anything amiss. Cassian bends down to kiss her cheek--in front of Rhysand--and says, "Bye, sweetheart," as though they are lovers, leaving for the day. There is the promise of seeing each other again that night, but Nesta knows...she will never see him again.

"Goodbye," she says, voice catching.

Again, neither of them seem to notice. Comfortably, Rhysand lifts her into his arms--she will never see the House again, she will never again take pleasure in its friendship, she will never see Gwyn again--and flies a few dozen feet in the air--

They winnow onto solid ground.

Foreign ground.

A small cavalry of dark-skinned Fae, darker than Cassian, dressed in bright colors and light fabric greet them.

Nesta vaguely recognizes one of them. Eyes like the sea and hair like its foam. A handsome forehead, with soft cheeks and a rigid jawline. Even if she did not recognize him, Nesta would know the power in the air immediately. One of the High Lords.

"High Lord, Lady Nesta," he says with a slight bow, "welcome to the Summer Court."

Rhysand returns a small one, so Nesta dips into a curtsy as he says, "Thank you for having us."

"Ottilie and Cordelia will take your things," the High Lord says, waving over two females to the trunks which have appeared behind them. "I trust you're ready to begin?"

Rhysand inclines his head and offers his arm to Nesta. She grimaces inwardly as she takes it.

"This way."

The group of faeries part for the three of them to pass through. Only when she walks by him does Nesta notice Varian--right. This is his home court. He's some sort of prince here.

Doesn't matter. He doesn't seem to be going where Tarquin--that's his name, she remembers--is taking them. As long as she won't have to remind him of any of the Night Court's pleasantries, she doesn't care. Although perhaps he'd need it more than anyone, being with Amren, Nesta thinks bitterly. One person she will not miss seeing again. In fact, the only thing that makes her queasy is the idea of Amren meeting the new Nesta and once again tricking her into believing they are friends.

"Welcome to Adriata, Lady Nesta," Tarquin says, turning around and holding out his arm in the direction of a large window. Nesta's eyes widen as she takes in the view.

It's leagues more beautiful than Velaris, that much is certain. A sparkling teal sea hugging a white-sand coastline, and brightly colored buildings only one or two stories high, not breaking the incredible skyline. There's a pier stretching out farther than Nesta would've thought possible, and a staircase cutting right into the water.

"Our Sea Steps," Tarquin says, following her line of sight. "May I escort you there?"

When Rhys doesn't answer, she realizes she's supposed to. "You may," she replies, too distracted to think about whether she should add please or thank you.

Tarquin and Rhysand are both polite the whole way down to the pier. Nesta finds she falls back into the role of a dignified lady easily--this is just like being shown someone's estate, just like a proper dinner. It's only the characters that don't fit, but if Rhysand can act, she can too. How this is supposed to make her change her mind...perhaps he's struck some sort of deal with Tarquin? She'll live here instead?

"Do you spend much time at the Night Court's beaches, Lady Nesta?" Tarquin asks her, when they reach the shore.

"I...haven't yet had the opportunity to go."

"Excellent," he says. "The first Prythian beach you see should be ours."

Rhysand laughs. "She's walked along the Sidra river plenty."

Nesta stops herself from flinching--she hates the thought of being watched.

People--children, she realizes, lots of children--run along the beach, playing games or exercising, but the dock they walk along is empty. Tarquin, again noticing her observations, says, "The Sea Steps are normally open to the public, but we had them closed for everyone but personnel today. For your pleasure."

"Personnel?"

"We have a facility down here."

The staircase at the docks looks like any other, except for the fact that it descends into the water. When Tarquin takes the first step, his feet under the sea, Nesta's throat tightens. The water--she can't--

But when his hand touches the waves, the sea breaks, forming a sort of hallway around the steps. Rhysand doesn't stop his stride, and Nesta keeps pace with them, as they follow Tarquin down.

She would have assumed it would be dark. It's not.

The sunlight shines through the walls and ceiling of the staircase, and when they reach the bottom, the floor opens up to...the ocean.

Tarquin turns to see her face. "Well?" he says, his polite pesona dropping into something a little more smug.

"It's," Nesta says, struggling to find the right words. "It's like...a reverse aquarium."

Tarquin laughs. "That's the idea."

The room is ridiculously large, and offsets a few corridors. The floor beneath Nesta's feet feels dry and stable, the air cool but not uncomfortably so. And all around her...

Fish. Eels. Creatures she's never even imagined. All swimming through the sea, gliding, like flying.

Nesta approaches one of the walls, letting go of Rhysand's arm. She lifts her palm to it, but doesn't touch. It feels cool.

"It's water," Tarquin says. "You can stick your hand in."

Gingerly, Nesta presses in a finger. It goes through, easily--it's water. The walls are water. The walls are the sea.

Nesta raises her eyes. A school of fish--gracious, but she doesn't know any of their names! Not beyond the generic--fish, eels, jellyfish...crab and coral and a dolphin! Nesta's never seen a dolphin before!

"Bottlenose, Lady," a faerie says to her, appearing out of nowhere. As Nesta looks to see him, she realizes she's wrong--there are plenty of other faeries, all dressed in teal--the personnel--milling about. She only had not noticed, entirely taken by the sight.

"The dolphin," the faerie adds. "They're not unique to the faerie world. You get them in mortal seas, too."

Nesta turns back to the sea-wall. "And this?" she says, pointing to a bright orange fish.

"Those are faerie, Lady. We call them Orange Biters."

"Biters?"

Wordlessly, the faerie reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small, dried anchovy. He reaches his hand into the water, tossing the anchovy in the direction of the fish--which opens its jaws wide, revealing a set of terrifying fangs, and chomps down on it.

"They don't bother with the shore," the faerie assures her. "It's perfectly safe to swim there."

"Oh," Nesta says. Not as though she was worried about that, as there's no chance of her swimming anytime soon, but...it's incredible; she can't think of what to say.

"Shall we begin the tour, Lady Nesta?" Tarquin asks her.

She looks to Rhysand, who, again, is waiting for her answer. "Yes, please."

Tarquin leads them into different pathways through the sea, introducing her to the faeries working there and letting them explain what they specialize in, what they're doing. Some of them are monitoring breeding patterns, some tracking coral growth, but most are simply watching the fish, noting everything they do.

"Does it ever get tedious?" Nesta asks a female.

"Never," she says, raising her arms. "Could you ever get tired of this view?"

Nesta supposes not. But the tour ends, and Tarquin leads them back up the stairs and onto land.

"Did you enjoy the Sea Steps?"

"It was the most incredible thing I have ever seen," Nesta answers honestly.

Tarquin grins broadly at her. "You're more than welcome back, any time you'd like."

Before Nesta can thank him, Rhysand says, "Perhaps you might allow her to bring Cassian next time." To Nesta he says, "Tarquin's predecessor had banned Cassian from ever entering the city."

"Rightfully so, I believe," Tarquin says lightly. "Would you not agree, Lady Nesta, that someone who destroys a building loses privileges to reenter the city limits?"

"But he'd like the Sea Stairs too, don't you think, Nesta?"

Nesta shoots Rhysand a look. "I'm sure anyone would."

"Maybe you could make him fight a shark for it," Rhys suggests.

Tarquin laughs. "That would be something. Do you agree, Lady Nesta?"

"I suppose so," she says after a beat. It is only after she says it does the vision hit her: Cassian, wings flung out behind him the water, fighting a shark in front of the Summer Court to win the chance to return to this city. Her lips quirk upwards of their own accord.

---

Lunch is an affair as well. Tarquin shows them to a seaside restaurant, cleared of its patrons. The chef comes out and bows to them, low, thanking her for honoring them with her first meal in the Summer Court.

She had forgotten what it was like to be treated this way. The High Lady's sister. Here with Rhysand, it seems impossible to deny her place in the Night Court. But she goes along with it anyway, thanking them for having her, eating the meal they serve and sending her compliments to the kitchen.

Afterwards, they walk along the streets for an hour or two. It isn't a parade, but Night Court flags have been hung up, and people at booths call out their cheery hellos and ask if Lady Nesta would like to try their seasalt scrub, if the High Lord would like a pearl set to bring home to the High Lady.

"See anything you like?" Rhys says to her.

"It's all lovely," she replies, diplomatic.

"Oh, come on," he says, nudging her, and she clamps down on her jaw to keep it from dropping. "Anything for yourself? Gwyn, or Emerie?"

Her heart pangs at that. Gwyn and Emerie.

"Are these all ocean pearls?" she asks a faerie at a jewelry booth. "Anything from a river?"

With a flourish, the faerie shows her a tray of river pearls, strung in various fashions. Running her fingers over the gems, she selects a teal-stone string, the same color as Gwyn's eyes.

"For you, Lady Nesta?"

"For a friend," she says, voice turning hollow.

The faerie beams at her, wrapping it up in pretty paper. "Your friend will love it very much, Lady."

"Thank you," she says, as Rhysand pays.

They walk a little further, Nesta mostly ignoring the salespeople except to offer slight nods of acknowledgement, until she finds a spice spread. She picks out the most fragrant, and every kind of seasalt they have, into a small chest. For Emerie.

She wouldn't want to spend her last week out of the House, with Rhsyand of all people, but perhaps it's for the best. Even thinking about her friends is painful enough. They don't know who she is, what she has done. If they had...it would only be a matter of time before they left her, rejecting her, like everyone else has done. If Elain, sweet, heartfelt, patient Elain could not love her enough; if strong, resilient, defiant Feyre gave up on her...only Rhysand stands at her side, and not for love. At least, not love for her.

He'll be proven wrong, she knows. Her sisters won't even lose her. They'll remake her however they want, in whatever image they please. Maybe it'll even be one Cassian will favor.

The streets quiet somewhat, in the afternoon, and Tarquin tells them his people take naps around this hour every day. The heat, he explains, can be taxing. So he shows they back to the palace, tells them to rest or wander as they like, and would they please join him from a celebratory dinner at seven.

Celebrating what, Nesta isn't sure, but Rhysand accepts, and then she does too.

"Our rooms connect," he tells her when they get there. "I'll be in there if you need me."

"What..." would I need you for, she wants to say, but instead switches to, "should I do?"

He shrugs. "Wander, like Tarquin said. Or nap. Whatever you'd prefer."

He leaves her at her door, pushing into his. Nesta rolls her eyes to no one and enters her room.

Her trunk sits at the foot of the bed. The patterns are all complimentary of the sea, and the scent of it floats in through the open window with a warm breeze.

The heat is taxing. Nesta slips out of her daygown and into a robe, lying down on the silken sheets. What will she feel like, she wonders. When she is made anew. Will she wonder about who she was? Will they tell her? No, they won't; what would they say? They will make something up. Feyre will tell her she's their emissary, happy to serve. Elain will tell her they meet for breakfast every day. Perhaps they won't ever mention being human, and Nesta will never wonder about what she has lost.

Surely, she'll accept it. She'll be as easy as they all want. She has to be. Because Nesta doesn't know what she'll do if...when even after the pain is wiped away, when none of her remains, if she is the same. If it is not the hurt that makes her so, it is simply who she is.

It is perhaps her biggest fear, albeit a new one, and not easy to fall asleep to, but she does, and awakes sometime later to windchimes and a knock on her door.

"Lady Nesta? May I come in?"

"Uh, yes," Nesta says, bringing a hand to her forehead. "Enter."

The door opens slightly. One of the females from earlier. Ottilie. "May I help you prepare for this evening?"

"Yes," Nesta says dimly, massaging her temples, too distracted by her headache to realize what she's agreed to. She's become very used to not having any staff around at the House, and yet, still not having to do much of the work herself, beyond what she pleases. She likes it, never having liked being fussed over. Staff have always been frightened of her, anyway, even when she was human.

But Ottilie doesn't seem to show any fear. "Headache, Lady Nesta? From the heat?"

"I think so."

"This will help," she says, bringing out a small blue pill from her pocket and pouring her a glass of water from the pitcher by her bed. Nesta takes it, and Ottilie says, "But it's best to remember to drink when you visit us, Lady Nesta."

"Thanks," Nesta says, swallowing. "Tonight is..."

"Dinner, lady. And dancing. And a performance."

Dinner and dancing. She can do that. It's all she used to do, actually. Elain had it enjoyed it more, obviously, but...Nesta knows how to play the part. She isn't sure why Rhysand thinks this will show her life is worth living with all her pain, but...just a few more days. She can do this.

Ottilie is pleasant, chatting as she lays out Nesta's dress from her wardrobe and steaming it straight. She doesn't mind Nesta's short answers and keeps most of the conversation going herself, but not annoyingly so. She talks of the history of the Summer Court, explaining about the type of performance they'll see tonight. Vaguely interesting, but nothing too mind-occupying.

Nesta hates the feel of others touching her hair, and Ottilie doesn't protest when Nesta takes the brush to do it herself. She styles a coronet with a bit more twists and braids than usual, in honor of the celebration tonight, and picks out pins studded with sparkling blue stones, matching her dress.

Nesta doesn't know if the House packed for her or if Rhysand did, but the dress is magnificent. Modest in the way no one else in Prythian seems to care about--except maybe the priestesses--covering her breasts, back, and arms, like it should. But the fabric switches sheer from her elbows to her wrist, and there are matching panels from her waist to the ground, her legs cleverly hidden with a deep turquoise slip. It gives the illusion that she's showing more skin than she is, Nesta thinks as she eyes herself in the mirror, which she decides is all right. As long as she's not actually bare...that's fine.

Rhysand is waiting for her right outside her door when Ottilie opens it and lets her step out.

"You look lovely," he says, and grins when she only narrows her eyes at him in response. Nonetheless, she takes his arm and lets him lead her to a large courtyard overlooking the water.

The sun sets later in Summer, and even though it's seven, twilight has only just begun to touch the sky, and they catch the last of the sun's rays as it dips below the sea. With it, faelights flicker on, leaving the evening nearly as bright as the day. A glance upwards tells her what everyone has told her about the Night Court is true: the stars shine brighter there than anywhere else.

"Good evening," Tarquin says, too loud to be addressing just them. Indeed, the courtyard silences, all the Fae splendor-dressed Fae turning to face him. "And welcome to our honored guests, the High Lord of Night...and his sister, Lady Nesta, Kingslayer."

Nesta starts--at being referred to as Rhysand's sister and Kingslayer both. The crowd does not care, smattering an applause.

"Let the night begin," Tarquin continues, raising a glance.

The faeries cheer in answer, raising glasses of their own.

Tarquin approaches, a waiter trailing him. "Something to drink?" he offers them.

Nesta flushes.

But Rhysand only says, "Thank you. Nesta?"

She looks at him, trying to decipher if this is some sort of test. But he doesn't appear to be hiding anything, only casually asking her as polite society demands he does. So she takes it, gingerly, carefully.

What would Elain say? Feyre? Cassian?

But they aren't here right now. She can do what she likes.

"To a lovely night," Tarquin says, holding out his glass.

"Indeed," Rhysand coos, and Nesta stifles an eye roll as she clinks her goblet to theirs.

With the very first sip, Nesta knows. She isn't going to get drunk tonight. It hadn't been that that she'd craved, ever, it was only the dulling of pain. But being so far away from everything that has caused her hurt is good enough for tonight. The Summer Court is its own distraction from her own head. Plus, she'd always hated feeling out of control of herself. That was part of why she'd drunk. Her punishment for being...herself.

But it's not like Nesta's a masochist. Only realistic. So there's no reason for any of that tonight. She can just enjoy this sweet, sparkling wine, and manage with everyone's company.

She supposes with its fishing industry, it's only natural for so much of the food to be seabased, but she finds she tires of it quickly. The table Tarquin shows them is laden with tiny portions of other things, too, though, enough for a bite of each, then staff whisk the empty plates away and serve something else. Most of the conversation revolves around the food, with Tarquin explaining what each dish is, and Nesta commenting on what she likes about, or else making something up if she doesn't. After about an hour of this, a hush falls over the courtyard as the faelights dim.

"The main entertainment," Tarquin says, gesturing towards the water. Nesta's eyes follow his hands, and she waits, unsure of what she's supposed to be seeing. A performance, Ottilie had said.

It is entirely silent but for the waves when the violin starts. First one, then another, and few more join. For a wild moment, Nesta thinks they might be coming from the water--but no, they are merely on the other side of the courtyard. The violins all strike the same chord and then fall quiet together, for a moment, two, and then--

Something rises from the sea, sparkling too bright to properly make out at first. Nesta soon deciphers what the shape is: two faeries raising a third, each of them clutching a leg. But how are the lower two standing straight up in the water? Is there a hidden platform, like the Sea Stairs?

The top faerie flips backwards into the water, the violins starting up again with the splash. The two lower faeries rise, higher than the top one had--each of them held up by two faeries as well. They flip backwards into the water, their sparkling uniforms glinting like diamonds in the starlight, and the pattern repeats, larger and more fanciful, until a wild applause and a change in the music signifies the start of a new act.

The music is more exciting, Nesta wants to watch the performers. But she can't draw her eyes away from the water as the water-acrobats, flipping in and out of the sea, move in some way akin to play staging. There's a war, that much is certain, by the way the faeries launch themselves at each other. Wild, brutal, and unfathomably beautiful. There's a break in it, as two entwine together, and the music turns sad, slow, and Nesta thinks the war is over, lost, before one the faeries launches themselves at someone sneaking up on them from behind, knocking them both into the water. Then it is over. A final act of flips again, and Nesta is first on her feet to clap when they finish, standing on--aha--a raised podium to take their bows.

"We're supposed to follow that?" Nesta asks Tarquin.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," he says pleasantly. "I'm sure you can keep up. May I?" He holds his hand out to her.

Nesta hasn't been asked to dance in...she can't even remember.

"You may," she says, not looking at Rhysand to check if she can.

The violinists play, and other couples join them. Rhysand is dancing with some female who greeted them this morning. One of Tarquin's cousins, she supposes.

"Any shows like that in the Night Court?" Tarquin asks her.

"Have you never been?" she asks, because she doesn't know the answer.

"I have not. You might remind your sister she should invite me. The least she could do, after she so rudely ruined her welcome here by robbing my family."

Nesta raises her eyebrows, but Tarquin doesn't smile. "Are you here as an emissary, too, Lady Nesta?"

"No." Oh, that's right. Feyre had had that stupid title once.

"Well, that's what Rhys told me she was. But she was just here to steal for him."

"Why did you invite him back?"

"He made amends when he saved my people," Tarquin admits, grudgingly. "And I wanted to meet you."

They pause their conversation as they spin: she twirls out, in, out, then he pulls her back.

"Why did you agree to come?" he asks. "I hear you are not so interested in policy."

Nesta shudders slightly. He hears from spies, he means. For she is the High Lady's sister, so all the other Courts have spies watching her. "Is this policy making?"

"No," he says. "This is pleasure."

"Then I suppose you could say that's what I'm here for."

He grins at her. A real smile, not the polite, detached ones of today. "Any specific kind you are looking for, Lady Nesta?"

Is he...flirting?

"No," she says. "Just learning what other Courts have to offer."

"Well, I'm flattered you chose to start with ours."

Is that it, then? Is Rhysand taking her around the other Courts? He has four days left, but five other Courts...Spring, she supposes, will not be on their itinerary.

"You dance very well," he says.

"Thank you. You make a fair partner."

He laughs. "Fair?"

"Fair's better than most."

He laughs again. "Did you have lessons?"

"I did, actually...ballet. For years." But it's been quite a while since Nesta's thought of that, hasn't it?

"Then perhaps you could be one of the Night Court's performers."

Nesta huffs. "I don't think I could be one of the Night Court's anything."

"Good," Tarquin says. "You're wasted at night. You're too beautiful to be kept in the dark."

Definitely flirting.

"Tell me of mortal dances. Are they anything like ours?"

Nesta looks over at the crowd, the violinists, the sea beyond. "On paper," she says, "but this is...well, I have never seen a show like yours before, as I said."

"Well, you won't find that anywhere else. But the same, otherwise? Food, dancing, music?"

"The same," she confirms.

"Hm. I suppose we might be having this very evening anywhere, then."

"I suppose we might," she says.

"But I'll always remain partial to my own Court."

"I can certainly understand that," Nesta answers honestly.

He likes her answer. He asks her more about the mortal world, gentle things that don't trigger painful memories. She talks without saying much, and he finds ways to compliment her genuinely anyway. She had watched Elain had conversations like this once. It had looked nice. It is.

Rhysand cuts in, after a while. For propriety's sake, presumably, as he doesn't say much beyond asking her if she's enjoying the evening.

"Tarquin wants to dance with you again," he says when their number is up.

"So do I," she replies, somewhat surprised at herself, and he hands her to him with an incline of his head.

This time, she asks him things. If he can swim as well as those performers. He laughs. "Not as well as they, no. But perhaps stronger than most."

"And what of the fish?" she asks. "Do you know about the fish as well as the personnel at the Sea Stairs do?"

"Not as well as they do, either. I...I'm the youngest High Lord--well, after your sister. I'm just past eighty years old."

"Oh, young," Nesta says, and they both laugh, surprising herself again. "I only mean that's about as old as human beings get."

"I know," he says. "But young for us, at any rate." Us. "So there's much I haven't yet...I was far down the line for this throne, you know."

"Oh?" Nesta asks. She knows it doesn't pass how she'd expect, from High Lord to eldest, that power has something to do with it, but she isn't quite sure of it all.

"My uncle was High Lord. He...and most all our family, all his children...slaughtered. By Amarantha."

"Oh," Nesta says, faltering. "I-I'm sorry--"

"We're all so grateful to you and your sisters," he says, unperturbed, "for ending her reign, for ending Hybern." He grins, shifting the mood back. "Even if she did rob my coffers."

"What did she take?" Nesta says.

"A book."

Oh. That book.

Doesn't make any sense to Nesta. This High Lord seems...well, regardless of how he seems, he fought alongside them in the war. He has a personal grudge against Hybern. Surely he would've wanted to aid them...but Nesta doesn't ever claim to understand how the Night Court operates.

"Would you like to see some of our collection?" he asks her. "If you promise not to steal." His tone is light, but Nesta knows he is serious.

"I won't," she assures him. She could tell him she has little use for anything, doesn't own anything herself and doesn't particularly care too. But she doesn't, content with the night as it is, and lets him lead her back inside, to a quiet area of his castle.

Two guards stand in front of a massive door, but they only bow when they see them approach and move out of the way. Tarquin opens it with a wave of his hand, his magic shifting something in the air.

"Oh," Nesta breathes when she steps in. She can't help it. Once a merchant's daughter, always a merchant's daughter.

Any number of jewels, tiaras, goblets...Tarquin's family is a wealthy one indeed. She supposes they all are, all the High Lord's families.

"It's too much," he says. "Wouldn't you agree?"

"I..."

"I'm in the business of selling, now actually," Tarquin continues. "I never thought I'd be High Lord, but now that I am...well, it's not as though I don't have ambitions. I want to do right by my people."

"That's admirable," Nesta says distractedly, bending down to try and guess if a chest of fat rubies is real.

"I abhor the differences our society places on High Fae and lesser faeries. We're all faeries...do you agree with me?"

"I do indeed," Nesta says, but she doesn't agree the way he assumes. Nesta's never given much thought to the status levels of different types of Fae in Prythian. Her base instinct is to view them all as monsters anyway. But, realizing it's true, she says, "I don't like very many High Fae anyway. The only ones I do like are part-nymph and Illyrian."

He laughs. "I suppose you don't consider yourself High Fae."

"No, I don't," she says. "I'm not."

"You're not," he agrees. Then he says, a bit awkwardly, "And I suppose the Illyrian you're fond of...Cassian?"

"Oh, no," she says, not thinking. "I was speaking of my friend Emerie."

He perks up at this. "Oh."

"She's the one I bought the spices for."

"Oh! Well...you're very welcome to bring her along on your next visit."

"Thank you," she says politely.

"And...your friend, the nymph...I suppose the river pearls are for her?"

"Yes."

"Well, it seems as though you don't have anything to remember my Court for yourself, then." He sounds as though he's teasing her.

"I have the memories," Nesta says, remaining polite, even though soon she won't.

"Well, then, please," he says, waving a hand. "Choose a momento."

Nesta laughs, unable to stop herself, but he doesn't. "I insist."

"I--no. That's very generous, but--"

"No, please. What kind of host would I be if I didn't give you something to remember your trip by?"

"This is very kind of you, but--"

"Please, Nesta," he says, dropping the made-up title. "If not a gift for tonight, consider it incentive to come back."

She blushes, flustered. He's...it's wrong, isn't it? He's a good man--male. It's wrong of her to deceive him like this. She's obviously not...he thought he was talking to one female, but he's not, he's talking to someone entirely different.

"Very well," he says. "I shall have to choose for you."

He turns, ignoring her protestations, and reaches his hand high up, calling a wooden box to his hands. "Good thing, too," he says, "because you never would have found this on your own. And it suits you perfectly."

Nesta is about to argue again, but then he opens the box.

A fine-gold chain links together dozens of tiny blue stones. At first Nesta thinks the chain wraps around twice, like a long necklace, but then she realizes one is a necklace, and the other is a matching circlet, for her head.

"You didn't wear any jewelry today or tonight," he says. "But this is delicate enough that it should suit you nicely. And the color brings out your eyes, I think. Do you like it?"

"I...do," she says, hands itching to touch it. Merchant's daughter, whether she likes it or not.

"Then please accept," he says, holding out the box to her.

Nesta looks up at him, studying him carefully. "Feyre didn't have to steal from you," she says. "You would have given her anything."

Tarquin meets her gaze, not backing down as most males tend to. "No, I wouldn't have."

---

Nesta walks towards Rhys with a slight smile on her face, faint blush in her cheeks. Her hands are holding a small box.

"Did you have a nice time?" he asks her.

Her smile fades. She looks at him, frowning slightly. "I'm a person. Of course I had a nice time. But life isn't vacation, Rhysand. I still go to bed at the end of every day. I'm still alone with my thoughts, in my head...you know what that's like." Her voice turns accusatory.

"I know," he says evenly. "But you did have a nice time, otherwise?"

"I already said so," she says, impatient.

"Good," he says, turning to his door. "Get some sleep. We leave for Winter tomorrow."

---

She had half-hoped that she would be wrong, that the pleasure of the day would bleed into her dreams, that she'd be spared the horrors of herself for the night.

But she isn't.

Aleksander asking if Alina was sure mid-kiss was such a cute, soft, and unexpected moment for me. Of course Ben Barnes came up with it.

Warning: Toxic Relationship

I

It takes weeks before Cassian begins to understand why she left. And if that isn't symbolic of their relationship he doesn't know what is.

Nesta knowing better, being better, as he trots behind. Coated in the arrogance of ignorance, always righteous until he's not, always catching the rhythm a beat too late.

*

He is a goner from their first meeting, leaning against the bedecked wall, grin growing as he watches her rip apart Rhysand's familiar monologue bemoaning the generous Christmas holidays he offers his workers (mostly under pressure from himself and Azriel).

She takes apart his brother's feeble justifications with the precision of a surgeon, irate expression contrasting beautifully with the festive and absolutely horrendous confection of lights and yarn she is wearing.

She is bewitching.

He waits, nursing his drink, quiet for once, eager for a chance to introduce himself.

He is enthralled.

*

It takes three encounters to get her number and an embarrassingly sincere drunk confession to obtain a date.

Then in pieces, in the compounding fragments of the trust he earns, they become a pair.

*

Their relationship, his life's great love affair had always been loud. Screaming, fighting, laughing, fucking. Always wild, careless in their abandon, in their feckless behaviour as they jumped off the cliff, intertwined.

So why was Nesta's departure so quiet?

The muted rolling of a suitcase on carpet barely disturbing him from sleep. The ring left to catch morning light on the side table until he'd copped it on his way to work and rolled his eyes. Nesta is in a huff and he is indignant, ready to whinge to Azriel.

It's six months later, on their anniversary, that he sees Nesta's ending wasn't quiet.

He just wasn't listening.

*

It takes three days for him to realise she isn't coming back.

Convinced she'll return with the bang of a door, with sharp words he'll take and worse ones he'll offer in return. That after some makeup sex the ring will be home on her finger and he'll be thumbing through a wedding magazine before bed.

This misplaced confidence keeps him from calling. To let her cool off. Leads him to saunter to the apartment door Saturday morning only donning grey joggers. Wanting the upper hand, wanting to see Nesta flush so prettily and clench her jaw tightly, seeing right through his feeble tactics.   

Gwyn and Emerie, stony faces and empty cardboard boxes in hand, become a live audience to the destruction of his world. 

He stands stunned, head reeling as Nesta is removed from their apartment. He finds himself carrying out boxes of her books. All he wants is to take it all back - slam the door in their faces like a child - because she can't just do this. But more importantly he needs to find Nesta. So a willing pack horse he becomes, trying to wheedle information from Gwyn.

His voice shaking, tears gathering, bile rising in his throat. 

"Do you know where she is?"

A nod.

"Will you tell me please Gwyn?"

Her red curls shake, a strong refusal. 

"I didn't realise she was being serious, I swear."

 Gwyn stops in her tracks, head turning sharply to bestow a look that calls him an idiot in five languages.

*

When his house is emptied of anything that is her, anything he could not save, he returns to the ring still on the sidetable despite him begging Gwyn and Emerie to return it to Nesta. 

It is the only time they look upon him with an ounce of pity which only makes it worse. Pity is for those who have lost. He cannot lose Nesta. There is not a universe he can fathom where he does not belong to her.

The ring he cradles in battered hands amidst shattered glass and splintered oak.

His blood an artful, awful, Pollackesque smattering over the mess.

Flimsy furnishings seeming a small casualty when his heart is now a necrotic organ burning in his chest.

The ring he picked,

with a white dress,

a honeymoon in Paris,

the rest of their life, in mind.

A silent killing blow.

*

One last blazing row the night before.

Cuts landing too deep this time.

The final fragment of a trust he'd once treasured sacredly, spent so terribly,

"Who the fuck could stand you Nesta when I can't?"

It makes his stomach turn with sickening guilt. He would stitch those words into his skin with wire rather than say them to her now.

He'd like to think he's a different man, maybe a better one, but that's up to her.

She's the only deity he wants to weigh his soul.

He'll come up wanting.

But maybe...

Maybe she'd look at him.

Face him.

Let him burn alive in the grey fire of her glare.

He would delight in his damnation to have her look at him once more.

*

Saturday is a haze. Rhys and Az try to coax him out to no avail. His pain is raw. Anger, frustration, desperation a tumour growing unchecked in his chest. The broken sidetable now possessing a broken vase, two pictures frames and three tumblers to match it. 

She isn't answering his calls, vision blurry from tears and drink, the blue light of his phone is the only thing he can focus on in a world that is swimming. Her contact, Nes 🖤, a beacon, a wavering light, keeping him from going under. 

She isn't answering his calls and so the voicemails begin. 

"I have your ring. Sweetheart I'm not taking that back. It's yours. I'm yours... Nesta please just talk to me. I'm sorry about Wednesday night. Come back and we can talk."

Beep.

"What is this about Nes? We fight rough, always have baby. I'll do anything, say anything, get you anything you want just please Nes don't do this. We can get a fucking dog. I swear. We'll move to a different apartment. We can open a fucking dog hotel if that is what you want just.."

Beep.

"Tell me you're safe. Please. I'm going out of my mind here. I love you. More than anything."

Beep.

"Mor was right, you know you're such a fucking bitch sometimes. I'm trying to apologise when you left without a word. Fuck you sweetheart."

Beep.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That came out wrong, I didn't mean it, just I..I'm beginning to think you're not coming back to me. This isn't goodbye Nes right? Right?"

Beep.

"Just punish me in person, I'll grovel for you Nes, you know that..........It's just a break. It's just a break. That's okay sweetheart you can have it all. Anything you want. Just talk to me first. Talk to me."

Beep.

"I love you. More than anyone else ever has, will or can. Just. If you're going to shred my heart. Do it in person. Do it in person and I'll walk away. Otherwise I'm going to fight you tooth and fucking nail love."

Beep.

The last voicemail a gauntlet thrown by a drunk fool. A sealing of their fate. 

*

She arrives on Sunday. Suitable for it to be a holy day if this is one last visit from his god.

He is relieved to see her.

Drunken promises of walking away temporarily forgotten. She had texted him an hour before to let him know she was on her way. Giving him time to put the house back in order, air out the smell of alcohol, sweat and despair. He's in his nicest jeans, hair tied in a low bun just how she likes. In the bedroom he has candles and rose petals, ready to worship her.

He wants to remind her she loves him, or she at least she did once.

Purple is painted in the hollows under her eyes, a slight tremor in her hand, greasy hair falling limply around her drawn face.

She looks terrible. Still the most stunning person he knows.

This is his doing.

He'd rather Az pummel him in the ring than see her like this. The aching in his chest makes it hard to breathe. He's made a mistake forcing her hand. 

She looks around, avoiding his gaze, eyebrows raising slightly at the very absent sidetable. She'd been so happy when they found that at old flea market off Washington St. when they first moved in together.

He should have thought of that before he left it in splinters. 

"There was an accident. I fell, you know how clumsy I get Nes. The table never stood a chance."

Her eyes land on him, and now it's him that can't bear to look, hand rubbing on his neck nervously, focusing on his white socks.

The silence is choking him.

"It's okay. It's okay. We'll get one just like it. I'll check Ebay. I'll ask Amren, she prowls around all the good antique shops. I'll make a replica if I have to. Lucien knows an excellent carpenter. I can fix it Nes. I promise."

He can fix it. He can fix this.

He meets her gaze and wants to vomit.

She looking at him with care, tears running down her face, voice barely audible.

"Cassian. We can't be fixed."

He can't think, he can't breathe, the world is on its axis and she's going to leave. The distance between them has vanished, he's on his knees, soft carpet beneath them a luxury he does not deserve, burying his face in the cotton of her tshirt hands wrapped around her waist. 

"No. Nes, no. You can't do that. You can't leave. I'm going to convince you to stay. That's why you're here. You want to stay. I love you. I love you. I love you. I can't be without you."

Pulling his hands from her waist she kneels beside him, caressing his face.

"I'm here to end it in person like you asked."

Her voice and his heart break simultaneously.

'I love you too Cassian... I...I can't live like this anymore. I cannot be both your Madonna and your whore. And we know exactly which one your friends think I am."

The words friends is spat out.

'It's either worship or war. So much fighting...a ren't you tired? '

A breath that holds a future.

'I'm so tired Cassian. I need more. I need to be by myself for a while. I need someone you're not Cas."

And on the exhale he sees all his plans dissipate amidst the dust motes that hang in the air.

This is what hell feels like. He's being excommunicated for his sins. She's even doing it in person.

His god, so cruel and alluring.

"I'm leaving now Cas. I'm moving away for a while. A clean break will be good for us. You'll thank me for doing this one day."

She let's out something that an alien might count as a laugh. Nervous and watery, choked and uncertain.

"I'll never thank you for this Nes."

His voice is dark and maybe he knows sin better than he once thought because her flinch in response feels better than he'd like it to.

They are one. No matter what she says. They should hurt as one too. 

She leaves.

He's still kneeling hours later her words a painful, unending echo in his mind.

*

He doesn't go out much now and drinking himself numb in this empty apartment is not who he is anymore.

But on their anniversary he let's himself drown in rum, in albums, in the box of her stuff he managed to keep after Gwyn and Emerie cleared house.

He cries into that stupid fucking Christmas jumper.

He sprays her bottle of perfume, letting the vanilla, blackberry, sage sink into the air, a ghostly embrace. Sitting amidst his shrine to her he allows himself to reflect.

Regret every overlooked sneer and snide comment. He doesn't see any of his friends, his brothers anymore. Nesta doesn't like them.

Rue every time he came home late, missed a date, was too tired to talk. He has a new job now, remote with flexible hours. It pays less but he still has his stocks and the nest egg he built breaking his back working for over a decade.

Rhys was frantic to keep him on. Bullshit talk about how he was spiralling, how she wasn't worth it. Punching that remark from his mouth, in front of the board, forced his termination quite effectively.

He has enough for Nesta to retire in the morning. He has enough to buy that fancy brie she likes, and handpainted books, and enough jewellery to fill a small store. He has enough to stay beside her so she won't have to miss him. 

He's even bigger now, all his free time spent in the gym, ignoring how eating so much protein makes him feel. She always liked feeling safe in his arms.

He's read all her books. Found her Goodreads and follows it like his gospel. Has watched every show, every podcast she consumed on their accounts.

He'll share all her likes. He'll never fight her on anything.

Once he earns her forgiveness they can be happy again.

*

She's coming back to town next month. A flying visit apparently. He's going to change that.

His chance is coming to show her how much better is.

The type of man she needs. The type she'll never leave. 

II

Butter My Muffin [Nessian]

Prompt: Based on a post I saw about how Nesta is very soft girlfriend in private with Cassian combined with how I picture Drunk!Nesta. | Originally posted on 01.02.2018 Genre: Fluff/Humor Rating: SFW

The smell of something baking in the kitchen had Cassian pausing in the doorway of his townhouse. With a raised brow, he quietly shut the door and made his way down the hall and towards the kitchen where Nesta was...humming?

Cassian leaned against the doorframe, watching as his beautiful mate and girlfriend stood in the middle of their kitchen, whipping something in a bowl and humming to herself.

Nesta didn’t cook.

She didn’t bake either.

She definitely didn’t do either of those things while humming.

The only reason she went into the kitchen was to eat the food that Cassian provided for her. He had attempted to teach her how to cook but Nesta usually distracted him enough that Cassian ended up doing everything himself.

Seeing her now, Cassian was very confused. Pleasantly surprised, but nonetheless confused.

“Nes?”

Her head shot up and Cassian bit back a grin at her expression. Flour was streaked on her cheeks, tongue sticking out in concentration and with the way she was holding the bowl, it seemed she was trying to tackle the mix rather than actually mix it.

Her hair was slowly coming out of the loose bun she had it in and she was dressed in tights and one of his shirts. She had never looked more beautiful.

“Cassian!” A smile blossomed on her face, her eyes lighting up at the sight of him. “You’re home!”

He smiled back at her and made his way over to her, surveying the incredible mess she had made; pots and pans scattered around, mixing utensils thrown about, and flour on practically every surface. His eyes landed on the three bottles of wine toppled over in the corner and everything suddenly made sense.

“Hey, sweetness. Been busy?” he asked, concern flickering across his face as she started cursing at the bowl.

“I’m making muffins!” she answered brightly then frowned again. “But the mix stopped working.”

She shoved the bowl into his hands then reconsidered, taking it back to shove it on the counter and practically tackled him, throwing her arms around him instead.

“I missed you.” she said, nuzzling into his neck. “You were gone for soooo long.”

Cassian chuckled, wrapping his arms around her waist, fully aware that she had just covered him with flour. “It was only for a few hours at the camps...you uh, found the wine?”

Nesta pulled back and gave him another bright smile. “Yes! I don’t know why I didn’t like it at first. It’s really good. I opened a fourth one. It’s almost finished.”

His brows raised in surprise as he hoisted her up, seating her on the counter next to the momentarily forgotten bowl of mixing blob. “Four bottles of wine? Alone?”

“Mmm.” she said with a nod then smiled again. “And I’m making muffins!”

Cute was not a word anyone would generally use to describe Nesta. Breathtaking was one, devastating was another. Terrifying usually came up at times. Gorgeous, beautiful, and stunning were all words people could describe Nesta with but cute? Cute was not a common one. Neither was adorable but at this moment in time, Cassian thought she was absolutely fucken adorable.

Cassian wrapped his arms around her waist again and leaned against her, tilting his head up to look at her. Nesta immediately brought her hands up to run her fingers through his hair, shaking it out of the usual bun and spreading the flour further.

“Baking and wine generally aren’t a good combination, sweetheart.” he said amused. “Definitely not a safe one either.”

“Well. you’re home now so I’ll be safe with you.” she replied with a small smile and Cassian’s heart swelled.

“I love you.” he whispered and Nesta Archeron, the woman who had decapitated the head of the King of Hybren, giggled.

“I love you too.” she replied, kissing him on the nose then poking it. “Boop.”

Cassian laughed softly. “Boop? I like this side of you, Nesta. Drunk you is very adorable. Is this why no one has ever seen you drunk?”

“Mmm, it’s because I don’t like other people but I like you. I like your face. You’re like a puppy. I have to boop you.” she replied then poked his nose again. “Boop boop.”

Cassian laughed again then leaned up, claiming her lips and Nesta hummed happily, pulling him tightly against her. They kissed softly, sensually, as if they had all the time in the world. The way they always kissed in the early mornings when they woke up together and Cassian’s body heated at the way her scent intensified around him. Pulling away, he smiled, admiring how her cheeks were flushed and the way her lips always looked so damn kissable. How had he gotten so lucky?

“Do you need help cleaning up, love?”

“No. I’m not done making the muffins!” she replied, wiggling her nose. “I finished two batches. Go try one and get me one too!”

Cassian shot her an amused look then turned to find the two batches of mini muffins she was referring to.

Half of them were burnt causing Cassian to snort. As expected.

Picking off two that seemed edible, he brought one back to his mate who was innocently swinging her legs as she sat and he handed it to her. She beamed at him then promptly took a bite. Cassian watched her chew thoughtfully then lick her lips after she swallowed.

Cassian could watch her do the most mundane things all day and it would be utterly fascinating.

“The verdict?” he asked, his lips twitching.

“It needs...wine.” she replied with a drunken giggle and pointed to the open bottle across the counter. Cassian chuckled then obediently walked over, grabbed it and took a swing of it himself before handing it to her.

He watched her take another bite of the muffin then immediately drink from the bottle. She hummed happily and he grinned, watching her chew in this most absurdly childish way. Where were the others to witness this? Why was he the only one aware of the phenomenon that is drunk Nesta?

Probably because she’d murder everyone in sight if they did witness this. Gods, he loved her.

“Better?” he asked and she nodded with a grin then pointed with a delicate finger towards the finished batches of muffins again.

“Can I have another one, please?”

“Well aren’t you adorable using manners, Nes.” he teased, moving to bring the entire tray near her and she squinted at him, debating whether she should be offended or not. Instead, she crinkled her nose.

“I’m always adorable.”

“I agree.” he replied and watched with a satisfied grin as she tore into another muffin. “Is that one good then?”

She nodded then eyed the one he had left on the counter for himself. “Eat yours! Tell me what you think!” she urged him, waving her hands frantically in excitement as she chewed on hers. He chuckled and with a stupid smile on his face, popped his own muffin in his mouth, chewed, then immediately gagged.

It was disgusting.

Nesta blinked at him as he tried to swallow but dear gods, had she poured all the salt in the house into this one muffin?

Her face fell and her bottom lip immediately started to tremble as he coughed. He reached out and grabbed the bottle of wine to wash down the taste.

“Do you hate it? Is it awful? You hate it!” she immediately rambled and he shook his head.

“No, no sweetheart! It tastes perfect! It was just...so sweet for me. Almost too sweet!” he insisted even as his eyes watered slightly and Nesta looked at him suspiciously.

“So you like it?” she asked in a small voice that had him melting. He’d eat every single one of them if she insisted.

“I loved it, Nes. They taste so good.” he lied and attempted what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

Satisfied with his answer, Nesta nodded with a sniffle and sat back, grabbing another muffin and popping it into her mouth. Cassian watched her, wondering if her tastebuds had ceased to function.

“What else did you do today, love?”

“I went with Feyre to the theater. Rhys came and they kept having eye sex so I cursed them out and left.” she replied, licking her lips. “I wanted you to be there so we can have eye sex and make them uncomfortable but you weren’t.”

Cassian snorted. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. We can do that next time we have dinner with them.”

“Okay.” she replied and grinned at him widely, then wiggled her fingers for him to hand her another muffin. His brow raised in amusement but he handed her another one.

“Any particular reason you decided on muffin baking today?”

“Because they’re good.” she replied simply, taking another drink from the wine then pouted when she found it empty and held it out to him. “It’s empty.”

“Good.”

“No, I want another one.”

“I think that’s enough wine for today, Nes. You’re going to hate yourself tomorrow morning.”

“I bought black lacy lingerie when I went out today. You’ll like it.” she said, giving him a sly smile that wasn’t quite as sly with her eyes drunkenly glazed over and Cassian rolled his eyes.

“You can’t bribe me with lingerie when there’s a chance you’ll make yourself sick.” he replied, moving to grab a bottle of water instead and hand it to her.

“Mmm, maybe. You do prefer me naked.” she said, eyeing the bottle of water with disdain and handing it back.

“That I do.” He said with a kiss to her cheek, opening the bottle of water and giving her a stern look as he held it out to her again. She squinted at him then sighed, drinking half of it before handing it back to him.

“I prefer you naked too. You’re so hot.” she replied, pointing to another muffin. His eyes flickered between her face and the tray of muffins. Had her stomach turned into a black pit? Was this how she was balancing the wine?

“You sure you don’t want to pace yourself with the muffins, sweetheart?” he asked slowly, hesitantly handing her another one. She grabbed it out of his hand and popped it in her mouth with a shake of her head.

“I like muffins. I don’t eat them enough. They’re really good. I worked very hard on them.” she rattled off after swallowing, then gestured around wildly with her hands. “Look how hard I worked! Look at everything! I worked so hard on my muffins.”

Cassian’s lips twitched as he held back a laugh. Wine, he decided was a great drink for Nesta.

He smirked at her. “Can I butter your muffin, Nesta?” he asked, a question that would’ve surely gotten him punched had she been sober but drunk Nesta only looked at him funny. Her gaze went from his face to the muffin in her hand and she leaned back, cradling the muffin to her chest.

“Why would you want to butter my muffin? It’s mine! You can have your own.”

Cassian snorted. “Not the muffin I’m talking about, sweetheart.”

“That’s not nice, Cassian. You don’t have to be greedy, I made two batches. Go find your own muffin to butter.”

“But I would really like to butter yours.” he said, giving her his signature shit-eating grin and she paused. He wondered if she’d punch him then.

Instead, Nesta squinted at him and without breaking eye contact, casually moved the muffin tray behind her, away from him.

“If you touch my muffins, I’ll wax your chest while you sleep.” she deadpanned and Cassian blinked before doubling over in laughter.

Nesta stared at him in confusion as tears of laughter streamed down his face and he held onto the counter to stop himself from collapsing onto the floor. It took him longer than he expected to stop laughing.

“Oh Nesta.” he finally said breathlessly. “I think that’s enough muffins for tonight. Let’s get cleaned up, hm?”

She paused mid-chew and her eyes went to the tray behind her then met his eyes again. “You won’t eat my muffins?”

“Unless I want to wake up screaming in agony, I think not.” he replied and lifted her off the counter. Nesta popped the last muffin in her mouth and immediately wrapped her legs around his waist, settling her head on his shoulder as they made their way to the bathroom. “Tell you what, you can even have the muffins in the second batch too.”

“That’s really nice of you. You’re so nice, Cas.” she asked with a drunken smile, nuzzling into his neck and he chuckled.

“You do look really cute eating them.”

“I’m not cute, I’m powerful.” she mumbled, evidently exhausted from her baking.

“You can be both.” he mused, his lips twitching again.

“Mmmm, I could beat you up right now if I wanted to.” she said matter-of-factly, her eyes fluttering shut.

“I know.” He said with a laugh, kissing the top of her head.

As they finally reached the bathroom, Cassian realized why Nesta never got drunk in front of others. She rambled. She rambled a lot. An hour later, Cassian had scrubbed them both clean, braided Nesta’s hair and tucked her into bed and she had yet ceased telling her stories.

“I was reading this book the other day about a girl that’s an assassin and she kills people really well.”

“Oh yeah? That sounds interesting.” he said, kissing the top of her head as he pulled the blanket around her.

“I want to be an assassin. I could kill people.” she said and made stabbing gestures. “Thwup thwup!”

“You do remember the part you played in the war, right?” he asked, his brows raised but she ignored him.

“Another story I read was about a group of friends going on a dangerous heist together. Can we go on a heist? I want to go on a heist.”

“Sure, Nes. Whenever you want.”

“Okay. But Cassian?”

“Yes?”

“Can I have another muffin?”

“I love you, but no.” he replied and laughed when she pouted. “I’m going to go clean up and tomorrow morning, you can have all the muffins you want.”

“All of them?” she asked with an excited smile.

“Every single one of them.”

Nesta smiled sleepily at him and Cassian was overwhelmed by how much love he felt for her at that moment.

“Come here.” she whispered to him and he leaned forward. She gently cupped his face and kissed him softly on the lips then on his nose and then on both of his cheeks. “I love you. More than all the muffins in the world.”

He smiled at her softly, leaning in to kiss her lips. “I love you more than life itself, sweetheart.”

“And guess what?” She whispered again and he raised a brow.

“What?”

“You’re my favorite muffin.”

“Oh yeah?” he asked, grinning. “Well, guess what?”

“Mm?”

“You’re my favorite muffin, too.”