Soulmates Aren’t Always Mutual, Right?

Soulmates aren’t always mutual, right?

You know it's funny how I thought I could overcome this. I guess growing up in a toxic home environment and shitty school really messed me up. Like imagine being scared of a person who gives you a sense of comfort and does things to ensure your well-being. Imagine closing your eyes, while their hand gently touches the back of your head and rather than feeling comfort feeling terror. Like a trap I should escape. Being taken care of is indeed a strange feeling. I guess I'm too scared to feel hurt again, to feel this empty care again.

This person, I cannot describe how great they are enough. I feel like they deserve so much more that they have. The sense of comfort, of calmness, acceptance and what seems like genuine care is unmeasurable. Just thinking about them makes me feel like home, and yet it is painful as it feels like it is something I will never truly touch and feel. We are great companions. I would lie if I would state the opposite.

Yesterday, I pushed the person away, not too far away but still as if trying to create distance. I regret it in less than 10 minutes. I still do. And I have just promised not to regret anything when this year has started. I remembered why I hated having feelings in middle school, haha. They are unbearable. Where have a gone the wrong path? I-I did not agree to this. I don't want to go through this pain all over again. Why does it feel so good to be around them? Why can't I just move on already? I know they care for me, but this is so painful to endure, I am about to cry. Just why. Why.