I Have A Monster With Me. I Have Kept The Darkness Locked Inside. The Fear Of Surviving In This World

— v, from “excerpt from a book i will never write” (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

-August.

One day

One day someone is going to love this When I'm in the kitchen on a Friday night Smiling for the first time in weeks Bare feet dancing to the Mamma Mia soundtrack Doing dishes by hand because The machine broke and I'd rather suffer Than call someone to fix it Singing along until I remember the window is open And my voice is broken

One day someone is going to love this The way I write bedtime stories to myself In which I am the hero or At least someone who is seen So that when I finally dream I feel like I am an actor And not just the screen

One day someone is going to love this The pile of books on my nightstand Post-its marking my favorite pages The covers collect dust from time to time But my refusal to move them is final You never know when you might need them

One day someone is going to love this The bruises all over my legs My mind doesn't always see doors or tables through its daydreams 

One day someone is going to love this They're going to fall for all that I am Not just the parts I put on for show They're going to see everything And then choose to stay

One day someone is going to love this And I won't settle for anything less

you touched me when i was the most unpure. you cleaned me when i was stained with their words. i've been drained like the waste and wandered between depth of ocean. water took away my thirst but it couldn't pacify the burn that was rising inside me. i drank all those dews, every morning, all midnights, just to live. they were poison, i was dying. and i couldn't figure out what was wrong with me until i was laid on my death bed. all of the people i have seen in my life till that day came to see me but no one ever, not even once, tried aware me of all those thorns that could have pricked my whole. i am still sinking and i will forever do until i reach to the end. i am thankful to you for washing away my bruises but i could never forget that you were the one to drown me. you let me sink till my lungs were filled with water and there was no place for air for me to breathe. i was gone and dead.

-Aakriti.

~sink(water).

When Celine in before sunrise said, “I like to feel his eyes on me when I look away.”

When Praveen Shakir said, “sabse nazar bacha ke wo mujhe kuch aise dekhta, ek dafa toh ruk gai gardish-e-mah-o-sal bhi.”

And Jaun Elia said, “Jab uska deedar hota hai, dil ko sukoon milta hai, Aankhon me uski tasveer sajti hai, yaadon ka ghar ban jata hai”

And Faiz Ahmed Faiz said, “teri surat se hai aalam me baharo ko sabaat, teri aankhon k siwa dunia me rkha kya hai”

i will end up disappointing people if i do something for myself and that is fine.

there was a room in my house

which was as secured as

the main door

i wasn't allowed to go

neither i had keys.

but every time i passby that room

it called me inside, cried for help

i was just 7

each night i went there

sat infront of the door

i talked with it, we talked for hours

it was 3 AM now.

i want to bed.

when i woke up, i was 14

i remember nothing

except for talking with that room

it was a normal day

but house was different and

noone was concerned

then i remembered

i opened that door next day after i woke up

~august/fictionflaws

10.49AM FRI 21 OCT 2022.

they don't see the dew on the leaves which were my tears because those aren't from my eyes.

they don't know i cannot cry because i am just an echo of desert, and everything is dry.

instead of my eyes, my heart cries.

my heart yells evertime a nail is pierced on my soul which is so concealed that it is as invisible as air.

i have no place to shed tears. i have no home to weep.

for me, these leaves cry. they know the pain i am enduring. they understand my heartache.

i have eyes but they see me more. they are my companion in my best and worse. they give me a way to breathe.

i could never be more thankful to what earth gave me and how soil is always giving me a place to keep my feet on.

i am fortunate enough to have a friend no one else has.

"so where are you if not in my mind"

Sometimes I feel like my dreams are connected to something. I have no idea how and why. Everyday I see a new visuals. As if I am flipping the page without reading that chapter well. It is weird how I am attracted to things. All those people's perception about things doesn't bother me at all. Souls, spirits, ghosts, witches, demon, devils, angels, god, everything means same to me. Being a child, I loved to talk alone. I could always feel someone's presence around me. I used to talk addressing them soul and witch and that never made me fearful, not even once. I am not scared of these thoughts, these feelings which are considered strange by normal people. That sword I saw in my dream with something engraved on it, I couldn't forget it. I am always a new character in my dream but I've never been hurt there. I dreamt of water for few days. I was going to die in flood. Next time, I saw myself swimming like a mermaid in underwater town. Years ago I dreamt about aliean. An aliean who always looked for me and who promised to take me someday. It was so real that I didn't go outside of home for few days. And after few months I stopped seeing that dream and I am always feeling like I am not human. Two days ago, I touched fire and I could feel it. I could read what fire was trying to tell me. Even if it is subconscious and just a random thought, how could that feel so intense to me. Fire, Water and Soil is so connected to me. It feels like I am a tree whose roots are all wide spread everywhere in the universe. My beliefs are unacceptable. I feel like people take science as a weapon and war is coming soon. Science isn't helping us to evolve. Everyday thousands of life get deceased and it's not because of natural calamities, it is because of humans. This makes me question whether I am a human or not. I can read animals. I don't know if it is accurate or not however something is trying to communicate with me. It feels unreal. I feel unreal.