Thinking Back To The Time I Realized I'd Been Practicing Such Scrupulous Politeness Abt [bodily Feature
thinking back to the time i realized i'd been practicing such scrupulous politeness abt [bodily feature i actively wasn't attracted to] that my bff had come away with the impression that i was, like, very actively into it, which was like. wow, wild to be so deeply misunderstood—
however it turns out that after putting an enormous amount of energy into Accepting that feature, well, now sometimes i am actively into it, so like. guess i'm the one who was wrong about me after all!
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Chameleon by Mansur Mughal, c.1612
i was like well i could ""compose a post"" or i could just. mine the way i explained this in chat the other day for parts—
anyway all this [trying to work out a congenial set of blogs to follow] has me thinking back to when i made a friend in my german reading class and was like 'oh right actually sometimes you meet people and it immediately feels good and easy and safe and fun. forgot that was how it was supposed to work!' bc unfortunately the reality is that as a now–chronically isolated misfit i'm strongly motivated to try and convince myself i could like people even when. we aren't actually compatible.
bc the thing is, it turns out that not feeling like you're part of either mainstream gender club is: really fucking lonely! bc you just feel constantly like. wow insane gender coercion is happening all around me constantly and it makes me angry and scared and i don’t know how not to vent incredulously about it but i'm also acutely aware that becoming someone who can't shut up abt their gender alienation is a great way to come off as a bore and (pun not intended) a drag…
not to mention that like. people are basically only nice to me when they girlbox me so like. i need it and hate it and feel guilty abt it!
Eurasian red squirrel/ekorre. Värmland, Sweden (May 9, 2024).
tfw you're concerned that you might have been a little gauche, but unfortunately, seeking reassurance abt it would… also be gauche…
wait my range of motion in the shoulder that just. decided to be fucked up for no apparent reason, uh, years ago now is like. suddenly radically better than the last time i checked???? like i can actually reach up more or less symmetrically right now???
anyway fully braced for this to promptly become untrue again, i don’t trust like that anymore, but. sheenagh pugh sometimes emoji??
Eurasian Red Squirrels/ekorrar photographed in Värmland, Sweden (April 18-20, 2025).
somehow this is not an onion article.
[frustrated? that] i can't seem to encounter comments/attitudes that feel weirdbad* to me without feeling a need to seek reassurance that i'm being reasonable in finding them weirdbad
like yet again this is presumably a leftover artifact of the incessant messaging i got growing up that none of my re/actions were ever reasonable
but it's like. well. (a) it feels like weakness of character to me. like. why can't i just have the courage of my own convictions without needing someone else to reinforce them. (see previous para.) (b) even if we accept that this is an understandable ['if undesirable,' i immediately mentally add, but. table that question for now ig.] urge in the abstract, in practice it's like. well. my social situation lately is such that the various people towards whom i tend to direct bids of this kind will reject them at least half the time. so whether or not it's understandable: it's not viable
plus then of course it also feels like. why do i have to be SO quick to shrug off whatever the weirdbad opinion is, instead of just. sitting calmly with it for a little while. experiencing it. practicing some calm curiosity instead of agitated rejection, like that one post suggested.
unfortunately i think a lot of this stuff is like. well it's about how unsafe and insecure i feel all the time. like it's a bit idiotic to be sitting here going 'huh why am i acting so anxious when. my most crucial social bonds are as attenuated as they are and my current situation doesn't remotely lend itself to forming more.' like. obvious answer is obvious and also quite frankly i'm correct to be anxious about that!! if i were more securely socially enmeshed i could probably Practice Chillness better because these interactions would take up only the tiny fraction of my mental social map they ought to be taking up, instead of looming enormously large in a barren landscape and becoming disproportionately high-stakes as a result!
so like. diagnosing myself with shit life syndrome ig, lol
⸻ * using this as a very broad catchall term for a range of things that spans, like, 'actual bigotry' on the one end and 'someone being imo-too-flippant abt something in a way that makes me wonder if they realize i'm personally impacted by it' on the other end
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