AS THIS LAST YEAR HAS GONE ON, I HAVE BEEN RELATIVELY AWARE OF MY GROWTH AND CHANGE. I'VE PRIDED MYSELF

AS THIS LAST YEAR HAS GONE ON, I HAVE BEEN RELATIVELY AWARE OF MY GROWTH AND CHANGE. I'VE PRIDED MYSELF ON THE LARGER THINGS LIKE GOING CLEAN, LEARNING TO CARE FOR MYSELF EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY, ENTERING A HEALTHIER AND NON ABUSIVE MINDSET TOWARDS MYSELF, AND SO ON.

BUT IT IS THE THINGS I DON'T PAY SO MUCH MIND TO THAT ALWAYS SHOCK ME THE MOST. THINGS YOU WOULD NOT STOP TO THINK ABOUT LIKE FADING FROM RELATIONSHIPS (GIVEN HOW NATURALLY IT CAN HAPPEN). PEOPLE I USED TO RELY ON AND BE SO CLOSE WITH HAVE BECOME MEMORIES THAT I DON'T OFTEN THINK ABOUT AS I USED TO. I NO LONGER RECALL FACES SO CLEARLY. I NO LONGER FIND MYSELF THINKING OF THEM ON A REGULAR BASIS.

IN A WAY, IT IS SAD TO COME TO THIS REALIZATION. MY GROWTH IN THIS LAST YEAR HAS BEEN ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY TO MY SURVIVAL, I WAS FRESH OUT OF THE HOSPITAL, STILL IN CONSIDERATION OF KICKING THE BUCKET TO AVOID ANYMORE STRESS. I WAS SICK, NOT EATING, EITHER NOT SLEEPING AT ALL OR SLEEPING TO MUCH, FAILING CLASSES, AVOIDING PEOPLE, NEVER LEAVING THE HOUSE, AND SO ON. I HAVE COME A LONG WAY. I HAVE FINALLY GAINED WEIGHT, I HAVE BECOME MORE OPEN WITH FRIENDS AND MORE COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF. LIFE IS LIVABLE AT WORST AND ENJOYABLE ON AN AVERAGE DAY.

BUT WITH THIS NEWFOUND FREEDOM, I STILL HAVE HAD LOSSES. IT SCARES ME TO THINK ABOUT THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE. SOMETIMES THE THOUGHT OF OLD FRIENDS MAKES ME APPREHENSIVE BECAUSE OF THE ASSOCIATION WITH A WORSE VERSION ME. ACTIVITIES I USED TO ENJOY MATTER SO LITTLE TO ME NOW. IT IS DIFFICULT TO MOURN A PART OF YOURSELF THAT FELT SO CRUEL, BUT MY HEART ALSO ACHES FOR THE NOSTALGIA OF IT ALL. IT CONFUSES ME.

AT THE END OF THE DAY, I KNOW I WILL BE FINE. I WILL HAVE MY UPS AND DOWNS BUT I WILL BE OKAY. THE PASTS MATTERS SO LITTLE NOW. EVEN WHEN I WORRY ABOUT IT LIKE I AM CURRENTLY, I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO WORRY TOO MUCH.

I JUST HOPE MY OLD FRIENDS ARE ALRIGHT. I HOPE MY FAMILY, WHEREVER THEY ARE, IS DOING OKAY NOW. I HOPE MY DOG IS HAPPY. I HOPE THEY DON'T THINK TO HARSHLY OF THE VERSION OF ME THEY USED TO KNOW. I'M SORRY I LET YOU GO SO EASILY.